DMV CLERK: go to the end of the line it’s gonna be a while
WAITER: excellent
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Today I saw a kid being pushed around in the shopping cart while eating a snack and watching a movie on an iPad. It’s tough to see others living out your dreams.
who called it an advertising campaign and not an adventure
Guy: you’ve been a bad girl.
Girl: yes baby, punish me.
Guy: OK. *burns all her shoes*.
Today is Star Wars Day, which means we should all reflect on a simpler time in our lives, when Harrison Ford didn’t have an earring.
A sadist doctor keeps his stethoscope in a fridge
A word of caution from someone who took two (2) of his kids to their initial orthodontist appointments today: Before you decide that you can afford to have children, remember that children have teeth.
I screamed into the void and the void threw a toaster at me.
“You’re a ten?”
“On the PH scale, Cuz you basic.”
5: the teacher moved me to the blue table
Me: oh did she move a lot of kids?
5: yeah, some people were touching other people’s nerves
Me: oh who?
5: I don’t know THEY WERE TOUCHING NERVES!
Me: oh ok
5:
Me:
5: what are nerves?
“Ok, we’re naming our band after the next thing that happens”
*Adam busts in* Guys, you won’t BELIEVE how many crows are outside rn
I wonder if bon jovi eventually made it the whole way there
Anytime I need to leave my name for a server to yell out later when my order is ready I always say it’s “Marco”.
I never believed in reincarnation before but… Dad?
Me: “This new flavour of Pringles is horrible.”
Wife: “You’re eating a tube of tennis balls.”
I hope the zombies start with people that talk to me when I’m obviously counting.
Lost my job at Tree Humpers anonymous for asking if everyone was ‘logged in’
until my aim improves I’m just a puncturist
Eat…
Scenes around 10 Downing Street tonight 😅 Congratulations England, richly deserved 👏🏽🏆 #PAKvENG #T20WorldCupFinal
“Where can I find the paper towels?”
“Who’s asking?”
In space, nobody can hear you scream for ice cream. So remember, before trips to colonize the galaxy bring your Ben & Jerrys.
Woke up to find my cat and Nicolas Cage in my living room with a stolen Declaration of Independence, lemon juice, and a blow dryer.
Therapist: So what are your coping mechanisms?
Me: I blame astrology for all of my problems in life instead of taking any responsibility.
Therapist: That’s not very healthy…
Me: Well, I’m an Aries, so 🤷♀️
My neighbors have been calling for their cat for 15 minutes. I’ve been meowing out the window for 30.
Ordered a honey bee kit off Amazon. Can’t wait to tell my co-workers all the benefits of honey that I Googled right before telling them.
Netflix and we’ll have to call my ex to get the password.
Cliff diving? No thanks. I get all of my near death thrills by rolling my eyes when my wife asks me to move my feet while she vacuums.
it was the busta rhymes, it was the wursta rhymes
“You look really pretty today,” I said as I looked in the mirror, and my reflection replied, “And you…um, you have a GREAT personality.”
can’t wait for 65 million years after we’re extinct and whatever race is in charge makes human-shaped chicken nuggets