DMV CLERK: go to the end of the line it’s gonna be a while
WAITER: excellent
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I pack extra bags when I travel so I have room to bring back souvenirs, candies, hotel towels, the extra toilet paper, stuff like that.
[On couch, notices it’s 6pm]
Luckily I don’t have to pick up the kids from the Christmas party until 8.
*Notices it’s February*
OH SHIT
wtf are you supposed to do when maintenance people come over your house? do I stand there and tell him he’s doing a good job?
“I’m a copy-editor”
– boring
– who cares
– what does that even mean“I am here to right what has gone wrong”
– mysterious
– ominous
– maybe you have a sword
Shopping online and betting on which shipments arrive by the estimated delivery dates because I don’t feel like going to a casino to lose money.
fed my baby with a knife* today if you’re wondering how hard core of a dad I am
*blunted, plastic butter knife
When you pick a name for your kid, type it in Microsoft Word first. If the red squiggly line shows up, please reconsider.
ME: stay away from the cat
MY DOG: perhaps this time will be
d i f f e r e n tME: ur gonna get scratched again
MY DOG: [approaching cat anyway] brøther. brøther i crave the ꜰᴏʀʙɪᴅᴅᴇɴ ᴄᴜᴅᴅʟᴇꜱ.
I don’t cook, I more so… Dabble in the kitchen 😏
– me flirting
– Whoa! Have you seen that big herd of bees outside?
– Not *herd* of bees.
– You’ve not heard of bees? They’re flying things with stings.
– I know, but it’s swarm!
– *sweating* I know, it’s boiling! But I’m not opening the window til that herd of bees has gone.
Last minute gift idea:
Give someone a bucket of water and tell them your sorry their ice sculpture melted
Her: Do I look fat?
Him: Do I look stupid?…
My mom: you’re an adult and you need to start acting like one!
Also my mom: what do you mean you don’t want an Easter basket this year
Opposing counsel licks his thumb every time he turns a page in his file and basically I didn’t even know this rage inside me existed.
KFC Cashier: I hope your family enjoys this 12 piece meal
Me: Family?
me, after any kind of buffet.
I watered my garden and then it rained so I’d like a refund please
me *sees wife’s cheesecake*
future me [sent here to warn me what would happen if I ate it] *knocks on the front door*
me *already eating it*
so ur trying to tell me a buffalo chicken made this dip
Wait…you said JAZZ hands? Oh god. I totally misheard you. Please get me a towel.
Put “spree” after “killing” and the whole thing suddenly sounds so breezy and upbeat.
I always carry a jellyfish with me in case a hot girl wants me to pee on her, but she is too embarrassed to ask.
I made the mistake of clicking on an Instagram ad for a flannel shirt, and now the algorithm thinks I’m a lumberjack.
A little sign under the doorbell that says, “think twice, adventurer.”
20,000 Tons Of Pubic Hair Trimmed In Preparation For Valentine’s Day
how did this penguin get in my apartment??!?!
“What’s it like having a two year old boy?”
*throws a toy car at his face*
Like that.
Mike Pence getting booed at Hamilton is the worst thing to ever happen to a politician at a play
I’ve never wanted to know the answer to anything bad enough to ask a question at the end of a meeting that’s running 30 minutes over time.