Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Don’t let anyone tell you that The Godfather isn’t an extremely effective parenting manual.

If you say safety in Numbers you haven’t read Numbers.

Sensei: you have learned much, my child

Nonsensei: flamingos are extremely inconsiderate

My neck of the woods. My leg of the desert. My bellybutton of the meadow.

What idiot called it Kenny Loggins describing how he visited Bethlehem to see the Christ child and not “I went to the Manger Zone”?

Merry Christmas everyone

“meet the 25 year old entrepreneur who is making tens of thousands a month” i dont want to do that. i want to hear about all of the people who are doing worse than me. i want to meet the 40 year old with no friends or prospects who is currently engulfed in flames

I don’t think it’s real blood, it looks like red paint

-my kid, examining the plastic ax that came with his Halloween costume

I just got super defensive to my phone when i was cheating on the times crossword
I was like “hey! Maybe i just wanted to know who the protagonist of clan of the cave was for an entirely different reason!”

A Guy Doing Push Ups ‘One.. Two.. Three..’

*A Girl Passes by..*

Guy: “82.. 83.. 84..”

Shit gets real with the whole “I-hid-something-from-my-kid-and-now-I-can’t-find-it-either” game when the thing you hid is your iPad.

Clark: *on one knee* Lois, will you help me turn this MEtropolis into a WEtropolis

*God, watching me lying in bed while eating a pile of doritos I spilled on my chest*
probably could’ve just made that one a mollusk

I’ve been laughing for an hour straight

My daughter woke up at 5, because of crows outside. She stuck her head outside the window and said ‘Mum, the bird witches are calling me’ and to sum up I have my next book and also I need to call a priest

BEACH BODY TIP: if you find a body on the beach call the police immediately, don’t team up with a hilarious old woman from out of town to solve the crime.

Am I a bad navigator? Well off course

Robber: I’ll harm you if you don’t answer my questions correctly

Me: oh God ok

Robber: Where’s the safe?

Me: Over there

Robber: Where’s the key?

Me: In that drawer

Robber: What day is it?

Me: oh no

My 2yo loves to put hats on people, but you never know if it’s going to be an actual hat, a slice of cheese, an empty bowl, or his toy shopping cart.

1st Born: If you hold him support his head.

2nd Born: Dangle him by his feet, he loves it.

3rd Born: We don’t have a ball, use your baby brother.

I’m helping the sharks celebrate their big week by throwing cats into the ocean.

me, doing piggyback rides with daughter: isn’t this fun?

her: *out of breath* dad ur like super heavy

This hasn’t helped my bull get any sleep at all. In fact, the closer I get to him with the bulldozer, the more agitated he gets.

Son: “Did you know alligators can grow up to 15 feet?”

Me: “Wow, I thought most only had 4.”

I’m at the point where my mind thinks I’m 29, my knees suggests I’m 80, and my back wonders why I’m not dead yet.

Neighbors across the street have their Christmas lights up, so I invited them to my Easter Egg hunt this afternoon.

Drink to remember.
Drink to forget.
Tweet while drinking,
Wake up with regret.

Hands up if you’ve given yourself a bloody nose by swooping down a little too eagerly on the buffet and smashing into the sneeze guard.

So, just me? Okay.

ME: Hold on, let’s stay in the car until the song ends.

UBER DRIVER: No.

[robber breaks into my house] i always knew you’d come for me, my darling. where are you going

A big storm is coming & everyone’s buying bread, milk, and eggs. Apparently you battle bad weather with French Toast.