dmv clerk: please look at the camera
me: wait i’m not rea-
dmv clerk: done, next!
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I miss the 80s, when you could hide an alien in your room for 3 days before mom found out and five kids on bikes could outsmart the police.
People get upset when you bring a beach ball to a funeral.
You get a fish bite!
You get a fish bite!
You get a fish bite!
You’re all getting fish bites!– OPiranha
me: how did he die?
him: he was trampled by a gang of elephants
me: a parade
him: no it’ll just be a regular funeral
Are people with googly eyes better at searching for stuff?
Waiter: What kind of mustard, sir?
Me: French please
Garçon: Pardon, quelle sorte de moutarde, monsieur?
If you pass out in front of your kids they will either try to call an ambulance or use you as a trampoline. You just don’t know.
Shrimp: My mom’s coming to visit
Starfish wife: Again?! The 3rd time this year?
S:She’s lonely
Wife: Oh grow a spi…
S: Grow a what, Karen?
I always take a fully loaded paintball gun to my psychiatric evaluations because even when I fail, it’s going to be with flying colors.
HR said no more nunchucks.
Dog: *turning in circles before she lays down*
Me: [extreme Ross voice] Pivot… Pi-VOT… PIVOT!
My wife punched me during sex last night. Probably a good idea that my mistress and I do it at her place next time.
Everything is a big deal to kids, like the time a giant bird took my dad from the beach and dropped him way out in the water.
*gently puts my sense of humor in rice*
Son’s journal entry
💯 sweet 💯 inaccurate on all counts
Today I cleared cache and deleted cookies without making nom nom nom cookie monster noises. Because I’m a grown up.
Jk. SNACK TIME! NOM NOM NOM
They say you’ll never forget your first kiss, but what they don’t tell you is you will also never forget the first time you throw up everything you consumed at the state fair.
99 times out of ten, I’m making shit up.
I’d remove my mittens to text you back, baby
-Canadians flirting
Angel: oh look, the humans are doing another sacrifice for you
God: [sitting in a sea of goats] it’s not another goat is it
A horror film, but it’s just a dad who accidentally locked himself out of the house, and now he’s peering through the window at his toddler alone with a sharpie.
Can I come over. I got the zoomies and you have an open floor plan
An elderly Lady apologized for blocking the aisle at the store. I said “don’t even worry about it,” to which she replied, “oh yeah, cause I was reeeeeally worried about it.”
Guys, I think I just saw future me.
JESUS: [walks on water]
JUDAS: Actually, the body is 60% water so it’s only 40% miracle
JESUS: You’re killing me, Judas
JUDAS: Actually..
friend: [texting] i’m gonna be late
me: *1 week later* for what?
Does it make you an acrobat if you get suspended from the chandelier by your drawers after falling over the 2nd floor railing?
If you wear cowboy clothes are you technically ranch dressing
[Obamacare Meeting]
*Biden raises hand*
*Obama sighs* Yes Joe?
Will the doctor still have lollipops?
Sure.
*Entire Congress sighs w/ relief*
Accidentally searched “how fast does a stool softener work” in the Zoom chat.
since people are posting their 2022 accomplishments I’d like to share that in April, I went to put a bowl of soup in the microwave but absentmindedly stuck it in the oven and spent 10 mins freaking out that the microwave had somehow zapped my soup into the void