DMV LADY: *showing my new license photo* Do you want to retake it?
Me: no I just look like that
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*pencils in some “spontaneity time” on my schedule for this week*
Getting caught under your desk and coming up with nothing in your hand is always so hard to explain.
angel: whatcha making?
god: *plugging a snake into an electrical outlet* eel
so mom just interrupted my Zoom standup set to ask me to carry her martini to her bedroom because it was too heavy.
What no one tells you about having kids is that within a few years you’re in possession of lot of teeth that you have no idea what to do with
“and this lake shall be called Superior”
all the other Great Lakes: “k wow we’re like right here”
I’m trying to write.
My wife is pounding with a hammer in the garage.
I’m trying to write.
The dog is barking at the hammer noise.
I’m trying to write.
Kids next door are playing football and screaming “Omaha! Omaha!”, apparently their next big play.
…I’m trying to write.
Why is “silly goose” a phrase have u ever met a goose they are the most serious and powerful dinosaur lookin monsters I’ve ever encountered not one of them is silly
front of the back of the
Christmas tree Christmas tree
You ever bark back at your dog and then wonder what you just said?
Walmart greeters check and barcode returns now before you go on to customer service. So at least two people will know I ended up not needing that maximum strength ex-lax after all.
Me: *Living in the US for 18 years*
Me: *Calls mom in India everyday 9PM*
Mom: *Everyday* What time is it there?
Dean Martin: Oh, the weather outside is frightful.
The weather: *reads my credit card bill*
I like to hang out with people way out of my league so no one catches feelings.
Auto correct changed “you all” to “y’all” and now I end all my sentences “bless their heart.“
“I wasn’t born yesterday” – Lying newborn baby
I hate when my boss wants to talk politics and asks me things like why isn’t your report done and why are you always late?
I will not buy ornamental gourds this year!
I WILL NOT BUY GOURDS!*buys all the gourds (and a hay bale)
Just so we’re all clear since there’s a lot of disagreement about birth years:
Boomer = Anyone older than you that you don’t like
Millennial = Anyone younger than you that you don’t like
People who genetically engineer food, why don’t you make celery that tastes like Reese’s Peanut Butter Cups? I bet that would shut people up
Me: I really like her. What should I do?
Friend: Give her the time of day.
[Later]
Her: Hey.
Me: It’s 2 PM.
My wife used to make meals that would make Martha Stewart jealous. Then she joined Twitter…
Now I’m lucky if she buys cereal.
sorry I broke up with you in the middle of a corn maze
Who called it a Cold Sore and not a Public Display of Infection
Having kids is like hoping for the Little House on the Prairie but getting Lord of the Flies instead.
Did you know that your iPad has a built in bathroom scale app? Go ahead, try it.
I gave a man a fish. I taught a man to fish.
Fish aren’t all that happy with me right now.
Can you imagine if it was normal to say goodbye to everyone in the movie theater? “… have a good one.. enjoyed watching the movie with you..”..
It’s Election Eve, Not Election and Steve!
Camping tip: No.