DMV LADY: *showing my new license photo* Do you want to retake it?
Me: no I just look like that
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rroses are red,
violets are blue,
Valentine’s Day was invented by big corporations so they could sell more anti-depressants
There’s so many streaming services and shows I just make shit up to recommend to my friends. You gotta watch Red Water on Home Depot Plus. It’s incredible. They just go “yeah I’ll check that out” like we all do when we know we won’t.
As I looked at my naked body in the mirror, I thought to myself:
“I’m going to get thrown out of this home depot in a minute.”
Apparently “I had a lovely chat with the tomatoes while weeding the garden yesterday” doesn’t count when your therapist asks you about your social interactions since the last session.
My buddy’s PRETTY drunk…
So I took the car key off of his keychain…
He’s been trying to start his car with a house key for 4 hours now
Marriage license: Contractual agreement to laugh at your spouse’s same three bad jokes for life.
[first day as a teacher]
me: today we’re learning the alphabet
kid: that’s easy
me: no it’s A-Z idiot
It’s pretty flattering when some random guy declares his love for you under a tweet. Especially if your the third chick he’s done it to in the last hour. So touching
As a baby I took my son Caden to the park. Other kids there were Aiden Jayden Brayden & Ben. The parents that named Ben should get an award.
No, of course I’m not mad.
It’s fine.
*goes home, starts building a Death Star.
reminder: the best way to say benedict cumberbatch is to the tune of photograph by nickelback
My neighbor said, wow that skeleton looks almost real and I said I know and to think it was almost free.
A guy laughed at me because I only have a 19″ TV. I suggested we not laugh about how many inches things are. That shut him up.
*first and last day as a therapist *
patient: I have anxiety that there’s an intruder in my room
me: you’re not alone
patient: aaaahhhhhhh
I just watched my son get a knot out of his shoelace with the tine of a fork and then put it back in the silverware drawer and OMG! HOW MANY TIMES HAS HE DONE THIS?!
gf: ooh a blindfold, kinky
me: *seductively* ill go get the piñata
MAGICIAN: Is this your card?
ME: No
MAGICIAN: Is this your card?
ME: No
MAGICIAN: This one?
ME: No. When is our regular postman back from holiday?
A friend said she thinks she should buy her teen a chastity belt. I said try perming her bangs, that worked well for me when I was younger.
Matt Damon: I have 4 daughters which means I have… *counting aloud on fingers* 4 respect for women
Give me one reason why I shouldn’t pass this math class
“You held up 2 fingers just now”
Ok then give me that many reasons
no officer these drugs aren’t mine i stole them
you got mad on your own you can get happy on your own
-me giving a baby advice
got kicked out of the louvre for checking to see if the Mona Lisa was a scratch and sniff
me: you know what I need?
body: vitamins? water? a vegetable?
me: another coffee.
body: you mother fu-
the closest I get to a manicure is when I jam olives on my fingers and pretend I’m a tree frog
My girlfriend told me I was getting sex today. Oops. I better not jinx it.
*knocks on morning wood*
thinking about this
Hell hath no fury like a small child being told there’s only fruit for dessert.
me: you said you were going to clean your room
5 year old: I said it, but I didn’t promise
me: yes you did. you said, “I promise”
5 year old: ok, I promised, but I didn’t mean it