DMV LADY: *showing my new license photo* Do you want to retake it?
Me: no I just look like that
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My husband put a few of his items in my luggage. I can’t believe after 31 years I am still dealing with this shit. It’s like he has no idea how selfish I am.
I’ve decided that bringing a condom to a gunfight wasn’t the smartest choice for protection.
Petition to bring back payphones in public places. I don’t want to give my kid a phone, I want to give him a quarter.
People who live in glass houses should install frosted glass around the toilet part.
Asking every new person I meet if they’re cake.
A girl phoned me the other day and said…”Come on over, there’s nobody home.” I went over. Nobody was home.
I want to rub myself all over you like a dog rolling in a dead raccoon.
Scientists named an aurora STEVE and y’all just let it happen.
[Testing Cat-Human Translator]
Scientist: Cat, what is your name?
Cat: I AM KANG THE DESTROYER
Owner: It’s not working. His name is Socks.
[first date]
Her: I like guys that are spontaneous.
Waiter: Soup or salad, sir?
Me: [maintains intense eye contact with her] SURPRISE ME
It’s hard eating this ramen with chopsticks. The broth keeps spilling on the steering wheel.
Would it kill the makers of avocados to put a different toy inside?
Not having any friends means I’m always the pretty one.
Okay kids don’t ever talk to strangers or take candy from strangers or go to stranger’s houses except on the day we worship the devil.
An egg with 28 followers says I’m not funny. So if you need me, I’ll just be in the kitchen making an omelette.
I haven’t had a boyfriend in so long I’m down to my last hoodie
My autopsy is going to be surprising as hell because I am 100% filled with mashed potatoes
My 5-year-old who just turned 5 talks about being 5 like she’s reached the peak of adulthood, “I’m 5 now.” Relax girlfriend you can’t even open your own fruit snacks.
I’m sorry, I don’t have the energy to walk a mile in your shoes. I’m just going to go ahead & judge you.
I won’t get excited until Twitter adds a button that lets me correct mistakes in other people’s tweets.
COP: do you know why I pulled you over?
ME: *furiously trying to swallow a mouthful of mattress tag stickers* no
I like getting new furniture because it’s important for children to have a variety of clean surfaces to color on
HER: I’m from outside London.
ME: Nearly the entire world is outside London.
Strike fear into the heart of your teen by telling them that you want to hang out while they have friends over.
Can’t believe my ‘Eat everything you want and hope for a miracle” diet is not working!
[consoling widow] I was the one who put the kick me sign on your husband. I had no idea you owned a horse that can read
Do you think Sarah Sanders’ husband calls her “the colonel” when they eat fried chicken in bed?
The woman next to me smells SO good, is it weird if I’m like “What perfume is that, I will literally stop robbing this bank if you tell me”?
[bedtime]
brain: hey remember that lost episode where the couple gets paralyzed DO THOSE SPIDERS LIVE NEAR US
me: SLEEP
brain: NO, GOOGLE IT
Why soy sad?