DMV LADY: *showing my new license photo* Do you want to retake it?
Me: no I just look like that
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A confessional booth but the pastor just complains to you about the last guy.
IF A CAN OPENER DOESN’T WORK IS IT CALLED A CAN’T OPENER
A Brit accepting a compliment:
“I like your coat”
“What? This old rag? Don’t be silly. It cost 2p. I’ve had it ten years. I found it in a bin. It’s a load of tat. Thank you, though!”
The earth is moving, plz stop giving credit to the sun for rising
Me working 60+ hrs a week: I have 15 minutes free, so I should do 5 things.
Me unemployed: I can’t take a shower in less than 8 hours.
Going back to the 90’s.. You’ll want anything??
These infographics don’t work on me because my takeaway is always that 17 donuts isn’t as bad as I thought
imagine after whispering your sins thru the confessional screen you hear a toilet flush
Why do I have to use leaves as toilet paper when I go camping while we have bears out there using Charmin?
Some lady on The Price is Right just won a brand new 2016 Epi-Pen.
Traffic stop
Cop: there’s a dead body in the back seat of your car
Me: it was like that when I bought it
“If you prick us, do we not bleed? If you tickle us, do we not laugh? If you-“
*interrupting* haha, he said prick
Kids: It’s the first day of spring break and it’s not fair that we’ve been bored all day.
Me, barley conscious: It is literally 10 o’clock in the morning.
Everybody talks about sweet dreams but I’m over here hoping yours are savory.
6yo: Newton discovered gravy
Me: gravity, he discovered gravity.
6yo: what’s that?
Me: it’s what stops you floating off into space
6yo: *sadly* he should have stuck with the gravy
My 11yo just told me the assignment is “mandatoryish” so he doesn’t actually NEED to do it.
Of course I can cook.
What kind of cereal would you like?
People like to say “nice beard” to me but then start backing away while I go through my washing/conditioning/oiling/brushing regimen with increasing volume and fervor
What did I do to upset the TikTok algorithm and why does it keep showing me cottage cheese recipes?!
To little kid eyeing my McDonalds: thats right i can eat this any time i want… Dont ask about any of the other parts of my life please.
“Ooh go on then, I’ll just have one!”
*eats many, many, many, many biscuits*
Her: Wow, you know all the right moves in bed. How’s about a second go but this time lose the hat
Ratatouille hiding in my hair: Tell her your head is cold
How enormous was the spider I just found in my bathtub? It put down its Kindle, grabbed a nearby towel, and muttered, “Does nobody in this house knock?”
Guy who doesn’t respect the walkie talkie rules: Ugh, I’m so hungover
Guy who does: rlly 👀? Over
Nobody:
Shampoo bottle when I’m in the shower:
I left my Hoover in the garage and raccoons broke in and angrily destroyed it
I guess it’s true — nature abhors a vacuum
I like slipping notes into suggestion boxes saying things like “send for help, i’m stuck in this suggestion box”
Stopped the microwave at 0:01 AND stopped the gas pump at an even $50.00!
*Adds Bomb Squad Specialist to resume.
I hope Obama spends the last 2 years of his term replying to all the tweets we’ve sent him.
4 out of 5 dentists agree: kill a lion.