Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Sorry but they’re not fajitas unless they come from the fajita region of the restaurant

have yall ever had vietnamese coffee like ofc they won that war

Post more gym selfies so I know who to call when I need to move

What do you mean the project is DUE TOMORROW?!

– a parenting memoir

What do you mean, I didn’t win? I ate more wet T-shirts than anyone else.

Saying “let me show you how it’s done”

– arrogant
– condescending
– vibe killer

Saying “this is how we do it”

– it’s Friday night and I feel alright
– the party’s here on the west side
– so I reach for my 40 and I turn it up
– designated driver take the keys to my truck

My dog takes great offense to the fact that we have neighbors

There should be a true crime story about feeding someone a peanut butter sandwich and giving them nothing to drink.

Welcome to your 40’s. Your body now involuntarily makes haunted house sound effects.

Me: I love doing dishes while listening to my favorite boy band

Her: N*SYNC?

Me: no Sarah, I wash my dishes in the refrigerator

me: I had my first crush on a girl when I was in the first grade.

my 7yo: wow that was a long time ago do you think she’s still alive?

Whales accidentally eat 8 people in their sleep every year

When your great-grandchildren call you racist for thinking all monkeys look the same.

Riding up in the elevator with a bunch of children. So much screaming & crying. You’d think one of them would ask me what the hell’s wrong.

My wife didn’t order anything from Amazon yesterday so the UPS guy knocked on our door to see if we’re okay.

INTERVIEWER: What happened at your last job?
ME: I was fired for being too literal.
I: How have you supported yourself since then?
M: Legs.

I want that job where I push scared skydivers out of planes.

it’s giving duvet, it’s quiltcore, if the vibe was sleepy time she’s serving honk shoooo honk shoooo

just woke up from a terrible nightmare. was dreaming about a country called “britain” where people eat beans for breakfast and say stuff like “crumpet” and speak a barely intelligible version of english. thank god that’s not real

Having someone sing you to sleep is sooo comforting . . . until you realize you are the only one in the room.

[in the woods]

Me: *rescues a deer from a bear trap*

Deer: I have a boyfriend

ok what if you’re in the school pickup line and you see a woman eating from a charcuterie board in her car, would you judge me?
i mean her would you judge her

I feel like dry shampoo is the equivalent of unicorn blood for hair—it will keep it alive, but it will be a half-life, a cursed life…

I always listen to podcasts while I’m cleaning my house. Even the dullest chore can be enjoyable if you clean your house at the same time.

I just paid $37 for some homemade vanilla tapioca pudding on the Dark Web.

Sound smarter than you are: end words with “eaux” and sentences with “if you will.” If you’re pissed, “quite frankly” adds a nice touch.

Don’t you hate when you come in from practicing your lightsaber skills in the outhouse and your wife says ‘Oh look, it’s the return of the Shedi’ and then your kids cry laugh for forty minutes.

Shout out to political bumper stickers, changing nobody’s mind and lowering the value of your car and whatnot.

My kid woke up early so I did what any parent would do, lovingly prepared him a healthy balanced meal then hid in the bathroom so I could eat my breakfast chocolate in peace

Dinner with Mom: Are these real people you’re talking about or are they from the internet?