Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Her: The problem with men is they only ever want one thing!

Me *nodding wistfully* a sequel to Ratatouille

Netflix: are you still watching?

Me: *is asleep

Netflix: why are you like this

My doctor pulled me aside and asked why I had so many scratches on me and never in my life have I felt more like a teenage boy than when I sheepishly explained it was because last weekend was wrestlemania and I was practicing wrestling moves with my friend.

Doctor: so your blood type is-

Vampire: ALL of them

It’s almost like we’re living in a zoo if we charged the animals in the zoo for taxes, food, rent, and healthcare.

In 2016 I stayed at a hotel that offered “all-day room service starting at 5 p.m.”

I want to make some business cards with this image so when people are like “what’s your type” I can just hand them one and say idk these are all men I’m attracted to, y’all figure it out

The male mayfly, living for just 1 day, has only 12 hours to become successful enough to buy a sports car, get hair plugs, and start sleeping with his secretary.

My 2yo said she is a grown up. I told her she isn’t, that she is a toddler. She replied, “No, I’m a grown up. I’m going to touch knives.”

cellmate: how did you get here

me: i took the train

cellmate: no i mean what did you do

me: i just told you

When I see an Olympic figure skater fall down, I feel represented.

I’ll do a psychic reading for you free of charge on account of I have no idea what I’m doing

Me: I had a dream we went shopping at Target.

Husband: How much did we spend?

Me:

Husband: HOW MUCH DID WE SPEND?!

My husband asked what I wanted for Valentine’s day

Apparently ‘a night out with my boyfriend’ is not an acceptable answer

What’s upsetting about hearing my neighbor have sex is realizing she can hear me ask my dog if we’re best friends multiple times a day

[in the backyard enjoying the morning sounds of nature] ahh the forest creatures are mad the football team lost.

In case you’re wondering how sadistic toddlers are, my 3yo just bit into a hard boiled egg and was upset that there wasn’t a baby in it.

Thanks, spell check, that’s what I meant: Edgar Allen Pie.

If we hadn’t made them extinct, instead of kung fu panda we could have had tae kwon dodo.

My wife has gifted me a bath bomb that looks suspiciously like a toaster.

Me: *getting struck by lightning*

Kid: Mommy, can I have a snack?

Based on the amount of laundry I did today I have to assume there are people living in this house I haven’t met yet.

I never blamed anyone for my broken dreams except maybe myself but mostly my alarm clock.

Unsolicited sandwich pics.

*reaches for the stars*

Stars: I have a boyfriend

I’m never gonna tell the person I’m meeting up with that you said hi.

The average human body contains enough carbon to make 9,000 pencils and enough blood and skeletons to decorate an intimate Halloween party for a tight-knit group of friends.

Ominous music should play when you meet the wrong ppl.

Coworker: What a crazy weekend!

Me: *takes a knee*

CW: What are you doing?

M: Protesting this conversation.