Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

*65 million years ago*

T-Rex dad: If you don’t finish your food, an asteroid will come and blow us up!

T-Rex child: You ALWAYS say that shit!

Dad: DON’T USE THAT LANGUAGE! Or else an ast-

*Asteroid streaks across the sky*

Both: Shit.

Thanks for telling me your astrological sign, cause now I know a lot about your personality. Like you are a gullible dummy.

My doctor told me I needed a brain MRI.

My wife assured me they wouldn’t find anything.

My Mexican friend is lactose intolerant. No whey Jose.

Don’t just argue the point, continue the argument long after it’s over. Hold your ground. If they’re dead, don’t let them pull evasive maneuvers like that. Go to the cemetery, and yell at their tombstone.

Never invite a renegade cop from a 90s action movie over for board game night. They play by their own rules!

Preorder now! Though I have nothing for sale, it’s always good to preorder.

When it comes to politics I’m an agnostic. I don’t believe there’s an honest politician nor can I prove that one does not exist.

Me in my 20’s: I graduated with honors

Me in my 40’s: I beat Waze to work

my friends: “im not a hater but-”

me: “dont worry i am”

cop: we have reports of you impersonating a police officer

me: were they favorable

“What’s the deal with palm trees?”
What are you doing?
“You said do tropical humor”
Topical. I said topical.
“What’s the deal with ointment”

If I could steal powers like Rogue from X-Men, I’d use it on someone who can fold the fitted sheets.

Banished to the “quiet room” in church because the toddler shushed the pastor. Our family history of skepticism remains strong.

My favorite part of parenting is watching the same tiny human that just happily ate what he pulled out of his nose, gag over my homemade lasagna

Women be like ‘I hope you look exactly like your profile photo’ and then when you’re kneeling outside the restaurant holding a fish they’re all ‘Omg what is wrong with you’. I can’t win you guys.

If you boil a funny bone does it then become a laughing stock.

new app: may we send you notifications?

me: sure

app: *sends notification*

me: oh hell no

When I worked as a restaurant critic, I wrote under a nom nom nom de plume

At the beginning of the week our boss told us to not talk this week because ownership was visiting which is insane but today I learned there was an office pool to see how long before I yapped and it was over $500 I’m reporting the winner to the IRS

Horrifying if literal: Robert Burns

Him: No more coffee for you.
Me: “Why? I’m fine,” I say while detailing the neighbor’s car.

should i airdrop this to the person in the voting booth next to me

4-year-old: What’s “saying grace?”

Me: It’s when we thank the one who provided our food.

4-year-old: We thank the microwave?

Guys the harlem shake died almost 7 years ago so it should be reaching Facebook soon

when they’re all distracted let’s quickly fix the housing market

Careful…I’ve already had our entire fight in my head and it doesn’t end well for you.

Me: Ooh, I love those pretty Christmas lights hanging over the street.
Cop: Those are traffic lights, what’s exactly in the thermos ma’am?

“I’m taking condiments in a bold new direction” I whisper as I squeeze a tube of toothpaste on my hot dog. The dentists all cheer for me.