DMV: Please make an appointment for faster service.
Also DMV: Your appointment means nothing. Sit & wait, peasant.
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They say, “stain proof,” I say “challenge accepted.”
Due to inflation the number of the beast is now 812. Please adjust your satanic rituals accordingly.
WIFE: He wanted me to lay these coins over his eyes at his funeral
FRIEND: Seems like a waste of chocolate
please tell me about an extremely niche section of twitter that you never knew existed until you made them angry. one time i made Feed Swans Bread Twitter angry after i suggested food alternatives. FOR MONTHS I got angry tweets, until I finally deleted it. YOUR TURN.
Jamie Oliver says there’s “nothing worse in the world than an undercooked green bean”
I’m going to go out on a limb and say he doesn’t watch the news.
I enjoy romantic scrolls up and down your timeline.
You gotta know when to hold em
Know when to fold em
Know when to walk away
Know when to runThis concludes your parenting course.
COMPUTER: Enter your password
ME: [types ‘posh_people’s_tea’]
COMPUTER: Your password is too weak
ME: [high fives computer]
WAS SHOOTING HIS MOTHER NOT ENOUGH
I just got a call from my gym asking me if I want to upgrade to two visits per year.
WAITRESS: anything else?
ME: check please
SERVIRKA: Něco dalšího?
Waiter: “I’m afraid your credit card has been declined.”
Me: “Try this one.”
W: “This is a blood donor card.”
M: “Take as much as you need.”
Well son, in the ’90s, there was no drooling emoji. You had to show up at a girl’s door and actually drool.
Congratulations to all the people currently in a coma, well played.
Props to anyone who tries to be fashionable in ireland i wore a red beret once in waterford and someone called me super mario
“If you’re having girl? Problems. I feel bad. For you? Son.” -Russian guy telling his pregnant wife he hopes it’s a boy.
When I die I want to be cremated and blown in the faces of my enemies
Me: do you want bread or toast
3: toast!
Me: are you sure
3: yes!
Me: *gives toast*
3: I wanted bread! *cries*
Me: oh for the love of-
3: *sweetly* can I have bread next time
Me: of course sweetie
3: *eyes turn red* I DONT WANT BREAD NEXT TIME I WANT TOAST
Purse Rules:
1. My wife agreed not to buy designer purses
2. I agreed it’s not a designer purse if I don’t know how much it costs
People who call the Kentucky Derby “The Greatest Two Minutes in Sports” have never seen me have sex.
Babies are just like turtles, keep them in water and also feed them turtle food.
Little known fact:
Young children’s bones are not the same as an adult. Children’s elbows are actually made of knives.
every single thing you’ve ever done and all the decisions you’ve made in life have led to the point where you are reading a tweet that ends in the word chudnugget
Love means never having to say you’re sorry for accidentally bringing home six more cats.
betcha they beat the robot dinosaurs by transforming into an asteroid.
All cookie dough is edible if you believe in yourself
I knew I’d get too old to recognize new celebrities but I did not expect to get too old to recognize what celebrities are famous for. every day I go “is that a new singer” and then a person born in 2007 goes “ew no they’re a peeble streamer on doop” as I inch closer to the grave
Saturday night is for moaning My name. Sunday morning is for chanting it.
Pretty sure we domesticated dogs first and were like yes this is amazing let’s do another one, then we domesticated cats and were like yes that’s quite enough I think