Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

So apparently a doctor’s note doesn’t get you out of work for multiple years

My mother-in-law doesn’t get migraines. She gives them.

Wife: Hey *waking me up* you got really drunk last night

Me: You can’t prove that

Taco Bell employee: No we can

My wife: let me borrow your phone a sec …
Me: [cartwheels into a volcano]

I miss the 80s, when you could hide an alien in your room for 3 days before mom found out and five kids on bikes could outsmart the police.

The past couple of nights, I’ve been partying like it’s 1999. But it’s not 1999. It’s 2018, and my body is furious.

*after spending a solid 15 minutes listening to someone describe a tv show I’ll never watch*

I’ll definitely check it out.

My boyfriend always complains that I never smile, but he’s the one who wanted a serious relationship.

hey, teens who listen to classic rock: you were probably conceived to some of your favorite songs.

*first day as a magician*

Me: For my next trick im going to make this parrot disappear, abracadabra!

Child: the parrots under your shirt. I can see it.

Me: no it isn’t

My shirt: no it isn’t

she wears short skirts
I eat pizza
she’s cheer captain
and I’m still eating pizza

Just bought a set of alphabet magnets for my fridge, so this may very well be my last tweet.

I like to hang out with people way out of my league so no one catches feelings.

We found love in a hopeless place.

Romance is weird. My wife said she wanted fantasy play but got angry when I handed her the wizard beard & 20 sided dice

I wonder if those folks that wrote “Never change!” in my yearbook regret their choice of words.

philosophy professor: you must question everything

[later]

me: *grabs lamp and shakes it* what have you been doing all day, you piece of shit

A fortnight is equal to 14 nights. Unless you live in a fort; it is equal to one night. Fort math is only complicated to non-fort dwellers.

[at the mall]
Me: i need to get upstairs right away

Security Guard: take the escalator

Me: *grabs him by the collar* i need the esca NOW

*gets notification I’ve been added to your “Hi” list

adds you to my “No” list*

My superpower is choosing the one table in a restaurant next to the woman talking loudly enough that I know her entire family tree when I leave.

Me: you need to show me you can be more responsible

7: I AM RESPONSIBLE *drops scissors next to 9mo baby sister*

I left some new office rules in the break room of an office I don’t work at…

them: what time do you put your kids to bed
me: as soon as possible

no one will tell you this but the secret to looking hot in photos is looking hot in real life

How do I know it will be a full moon tonight?
Exhibit A and Exhibit B.

*points to 2 ferocious beasts who keep calling me “mom”*

“Excuse the mess; we had guests,” I graciously explain, leaving out the “five months ago” part.

🎉🥳

Receptionist at the Dentist: What’s your availability six months from now?

Me: I don’t know my availability SIX MINUTES from now!

Really, every section of the greeting card aisle could be called “Societal Obligation.”