Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Jokes on all you idiots hoarding toilet paper, I’ve been hoarding fast food napkins FOREVER so I am SET.

I bought an online course to improve my memory but forgot the password to access it

me: so you want to give me a bunch of shit in exchange for my soul?

satan: yup

me: even though it’s lookin like i’m gonna be down there when i die anyway

satan: you got it

me: …are you just like bored or something? what is this?

[waking up after a night of drinking]

Age 21: did i make out with someone

Age 36: did i steal someone’s dog

*beach*

Lifeguard: Dammit, I just stepped on your dog’s crap!

Me: I guess that makes you a liar.

Lifeguard: Excuse me?!

Me: The sign says “No Lifeguard On Duty.”

Pardon the mess, the dog startled me and I threw my shrimp scampi into the ceiling fan

There’s this guy at work who’s giving his wife a gym membership & a vegetable juicer for her birthday tomorrow.

His name was Tom.

Walk into a random building, go to a random floor, step into a random meeting, and take a donut. Best donut you’ll ever eat.

half the posts I see are people planning to go completely feral this summer and the other half are folks concerned that they’ll be permanently agoraphobic. I, for one, will be doing both

[AA meeting]

Me: Hi, I’m Guy and I’m the Antichrist

Him: Er, did you mean you’re an alcoholic?

M: *eyes glowing red* Yes, sorry. That was just the tequila talking…

“This is a masterpiece!”
“This, too is a masterpiece!”
“Another masterpiece!”

My dog, to every blade of grass in the same yard every morning while I’m late for work.

“Please don’t make a scene.” -Horrible movie director

hot tip: to avoid writing bugs, don’t write software

The program was great. Not only did we have a yabba dabba doo time but we had a gay old time.

I googled my symptoms and it turns out I just need this election to be over.

If my dad asks, there’s definitely NOT a karate tournament in our house tomorrow at 3.07pm *wink*

Single and childfree like Jesus

[first day as a soldier]
Army guy: we deploy at 04:00hrs
Me: where we going?
Army guy: to war, soldier
Me [setting alarm for 10am]: enjoy

An unintentionally hysterical ad offering proof why ‘branding’ always needs a second pair of eyes.

https://video.twimg.com/tweet_video/FvdHSnYWwAAv_2M.mp4

I love my husband so much that I have a picture of his credit card on my home screen.

Archeologist 1: Remember the whole Mayan calendar scare in 2012?

A2: I do.

A1: I found an addendum on back of the calendar.

A2: I can’t read it. What does it say?

A1: It says, “sry, chisel-o. Apocalypse in 2021. My bad.”

Remember kids, when you get assigned the special kinda illegal project at work – it’s not because you’re on the inner circle – it’s because you’re the expendable fall guy weakling who will misinterpret inclusion to illicit conspiracy as the illusion of respect you crave.

restaurant owner: you start on monday
me: I can’t wait
restaurant owner: I don’t think this will work out then

I was driving with my teenage niece and she turned on a band and said “they’re kinda underground, but I like them.”

Green Day, the band was Green Day.

[maintains eye contact while slowly rearranging the dishwasher]

i like to walk around my neighborhood leaving helpful notes in ppls mailboxes, such as, “doric columns don’t belong on a mid-century modern. what is u doing?” or “ur home has a mix of window styles that makes me wonder about the aesthetic you were going for. what is u doing?” or

This salad I’m having for lunch tastes a lot like I’m having a greasy burger and onion rings for dinner.

I’m hunting wabbits…

Me: I’m really at the end of my rope

Executioner: HOW ARE YOU TALKING