Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Whoever left me in charge of all this booze is going to have a lot to answer for tomorrow.

[Christmas shopping]

me: I’m looking for a toy for my son

clerk: how old?

me: something new please

Walked into WalMart and a small child pointed at me and said “what is that thing?”

I don’t know either, kid

For a brief moment I confusedly ask myself, “Am I Hannah?”

Remember when we wished we could read people’s minds? Social media has shown just how shitty that power is.

4: Let’s hunt turkeys, Daddy.

Me: How do we do that?

4: Put up a big sign that says, “Come here, Turkeys!”

I might be raising Elmer Fudd.

The best part about Halloween is seeing people in costume doing normal shit. Just saw a Dracula standing by a car eating potato chips.

hey sorry I missed your text, I am processing a non-stop 24/7 onslaught of information with a brain designed to eat berries in a cave.

Him: You’re perfect
Me: Nooooo
Him: Ok, close
Me: Wait what’s wrong with me?

I walk around my yard a lot and usually I’m singing softly to myself as I do, which looks like I’m talking to myself because I’m not even listening to music, which is probably why people cross the street before they pass by my house

*gets several new followers on Sunday

*adds Jesus to resume

I bought a Roomba to save an hour on vacuuming, now I’m spending two hours staring at Roomba vacuuming

I’m finally getting the professional help I need for my origami addiction.

I’ll let you know how it all unfolds.

FYI – They won’t let you just pick a kid to take with you from the Lost & Found at Toys R Us. You actually have to be the parent.

A bodybuilding and pastry shop business called John Cena-bon

Looking for investors

I think I sprained my hot dog eatin’ wrist

Marriage is pretty great except for the part where you have to learn how to read minds.

obliviously driving m y car through chernobyl , absorbing lethal anmounts of radiation while looking for cute girls

taking melatonin is not enough I need blunt force trauma to the head

[courtroom]
JUDGE: “In the case of the State vs Waldo, Jury- how do you find the defendant?”
LEAD JUROR: “…we uh…haven’t yet”

POLICE CHIEF: so did you solve the case

ME: not yet, I spent all week hanging these pictures and newspaper clippings on the wall and connecting them with yarn

CHIEF: …

ME: looks cool doesn’t-

CHIEF: totally looks cool

Why can’t Penguins get Christmas gifts? Cause Penguins and Santa Claus are poles apart

Do one thing every day that scares your psychiatrist

I just died 😂😂😂😂😂

If you live in a glass house you can’t hide getting stoned.

Dr Rorschach: *sigh* and this one?

Dr Freud: DID MY MOTHER KNOW YOU WERE TAKING THESE?

I didn’t know comedy could be a career until I was 24 and I didn’t know comedy couldn’t be a career until I was 36.

yeah 😭

Good morning to everyone except those who haven’t had coffee yet.

Spring cleaning checklist…