Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My daughters took turns tracing each other over and over with chalk.

Now it looks like 25 children were murdered in my driveway.

We’re fighting a fruit fly infestation, and I would have thought it was obvious they’re at the wrong house.

I’d wager that @RudyGiuliani will not spend a moment in an actual courtroom in front of a judge. He will go around media outlets like Fox or OAN saying he has the evidence but will never present anything in an actual court of law.

me: I’m cold can I wear your hoodie

grim reaper: no

*hands a turd to the teacher

Teacher: What’s this?!

Me: My dog ate my homework.

My neighbour won’t stop talking about his Rolex and I can’t believe someone stole it tomorrow

I can claim not to have a best-loved child but one of my kids just said his first favorite thing is cleaning and his second favorite is reading so you know I am lying if I deny it

If it me or does the name Mark Ruffalo sound like something a dog would say if it starting talking?

“Go clean up your mansion!!!!!”

-My orthodontist, to his children, probably.

Dang, my 250 million year old salt has expired

Bobcat Escapes National Zoo #WhatDoYouThink?

a lot of people are really funny but they’re not comedians and a lot of comedians are really funny but they’re not people

Sometimes I wish I understood what some of you said and sometimes I am happy that I don’t.

I have felt uncomfortable before. But we were just passed by a slow moving hearse and funeral cars… My son is dressed as the grim reaper.

He f**ng waved.

Not sure why my coworker was so upset. I thought an assortment of breath mints was a gift that would benefit everyone.

On a separate note…does anyone know how to get egg nog out of velour?

So I’m at the level in marriage where your spouse tries to kill you with a heart attack by yelling “kaboom” in the middle of the night while dreaming.

Me: *pets dog*
Dog: Ruff
Me: *pets dog*
Dog: Ruff
Me: *pets dog*
Dog: Dude, I said your hands are ruff; can’t you moisturize?

you: *finger guns*

me: *collapses*

you: *thinking im dead, lowers your finger guns*

me: *quickly rolls on my side, points my finger guns at you*

you: *freezes*

me: *unbuttons my shirt to reveal a finger-proof vest*

you: *starts to raise your finger guns

me: *finger guns*

*carefully examining the markings on a reticulated python as it squeezes me to death* just as I suspected. this is definitely a snake

If I were a cop, I’d focus on the people going the speed limit. They’re the ones with something to hide.

dinner should come out of a hose in the kitchen at a specific time each day and it’s coming out whether you’re there to catch it or not

After the tooth fairy didn’t show up for the third night, my 7YO hid a dollar under her sister’s pillow and said, “I’m so done with lazy tooth fairies”

me: [hiring a hitman] now how can we make my songs better

The real danger of running with scissors is that a rock might fall on you.

All I’m sayin is that you’re not gonna want my kid doing your taxes after being homeschooled by me.

ME: can I buy u a drink

HER: I’ll take a rain check

ME: mmm that sounds good [to bartender] 2 rain checks, please

[Leaving bar]

GF: You okay to drive?

Me: I’m fine.

GF: You FEEL okay, but what would you blow?

M: 2 guys, tops.

GF:

M:

GF:

M: What?

I run up to the firefighter as he drags another charred body out of my burning home. “Did you see a zip disk labeled POEMS in there?”