DNA editing was invented by Gene Hackman
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VERY excited to choose the food with the caterer for our wedding soon. it’s the ultimate versionnof my favorite game (looking at a restaurant menu and deciding what i’d like to eat)
wife: please be nice to my sister-in-law.
me: i’ll treat her like my own blood.
sister-in-law: hey guys.
me: [screams and passes out]
a good way to greet new neighbors is by practicing your pitchfork-throwing in the front yard & impressing them w/ your deadly accuracy
*bursts into a bank*
EVERYBODY GET DOWN ON THE FLOOR. GOOD. NOW PRETEND YOURE A BABY GIRAFFE TRYING TO STAND UP. GOOD. THIS IS AWESOME
I just bought an answering machine! What should I ask it???
The lead singer of Chumbawamba died earlier today. During his autopsy his body got knocked down…and that’s when things got interesting.
in addition to “block” and “report” there should be a button that tells the user’s mom what they’ve been posting
Memories are a bit fuzzy — but regrets? They’re in 8K and Dolby Vision.
My girlfriend wants me to stain the new wooden fence in her backyard. So I’m going to eat spaghetti over it for a few weeks
I like to think of myself as a guy who doesn’t scare too easily but I just beat the shit out of a motion activated air freshener.
Popeye was heart healthy because he liked to eat spinach and Olive Oil.
Doctor: Your son is lactose intolerant
Me: Oh my god
[later that day]
Me [runs into field and punches a cow]: That’s for inventing milk
Therapist: How do you feel?
Me: With my hands.
T: Do you deflect a lot?
Me: Only sharp objects. If it’s fluffy, I just let it hit me.
Show up early for your interview. A day early. Lie motionless in a bush for twenty four hours. You got this.
Me: Doctor, I’m not ready to be a father yet.
Doctor: Your daughter is 10.
Sometimes it’s hard to nap at work. Like, when the boss is standing beside you or when you don’t have a job.
My love language is Latin. It’s dead.
I only had kids so I’d have a valid excuse for always being late
You know what they say,
so I won’t tell you.
{Dark ally}
So how good are these drugs?*Dealer forcefully pulls me close*
“Ever just grab the right amount of hangers?”Wow. That’s good
I blink one eye at a time because flying squirrels can attack at any moment.
Them: you shouldn’t drink so much caffeine it’s bad for you
Me: I shouldn’t have to work this much to afford my rent either but here we are
The most confusing thing about living with a girl is how much hair they shed. How does her hair look so good? How isnt she bald?
I am all good here, 😂😉
Hell hath no fury like a small child being told there’s only fruit for dessert.
I was waiting for my wife to try on clothes & spoke to this woman for almost 20 minutes until I looked up & noticed her head was missing.
Don’t tell me there’s not a housing crisis; in the 1980’s we had so much housing, every pizza had its own hut.
*eats a bag of chips*
*eats 2 baked potatoes*
*eats a plate of fries*
*eats a plate of mashed potatoes*Being a vegetarian is easy!
People that still call into radio stations are probably doing it from house phones.
Me: Should we watch WandaVision?
Wife: She’s probably too young to understand it
3: *draws a rune on the wall*