DNA editing was invented by Gene Hackman
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Blizzard after 3 years of Overwatch lore development
Your call is very important to us, here’s six days of irritating music.
“Rotisserie chicken” should be a size for fanny packs.
IT: So you were hacked? What’s your login?
Me: KENNY…and my password is….
IT: FOOTLOOSE
Me: Wow…How did you know?
IT:
I’m seriously considering adoption who wants me.
#WorstWaysToStartALoveLetter
What started as a simple prostate exam, has blossomed into something special…
2020: Everyone needs to count their steps every day!
2025: How walking is actually killing you.
Once upon a time, mummy took 3 kids, 2 scooters, a buggy & a bike to the park then one kid fell off the bike, one fell off the scooter & one needed to poop and mummy had to push the buggy while carrying 3 kids, 2 scooters & a bike and they all cried all the way home the end
Just so you know – you’re not the first one to make the sign of the cross when watching me eat
If you walk around eating a potato like an apple, no one will bother you.
These are so Plastic Man-core
[marriage counseling]
She thinks I’m stupid
“He covers himself in baby powder before we have sex”
HOW ELSE DO YOU MAKE A BABY, KAREN?
Instead of presents, give your kids “presence.” Then explain how homonyms can be hilarious. Then leave forever.
Police looking for a man who stabbed six people with knitting needles.
He seems to be following some sort of pattern.
me: no need to cut it, it’s just for me
pizza guy: u sure?
Friend: Just be generous and sophisticated
Me: Got it[Later]
Date: I’ll have a glass of wine
Me: No *winks at date and then looks at waiter* bring the whole box
I tried a push-up once but I decided I really do like lying on my face more.
Who called it choosing a burial plot and not a grave decision
ME: Ask me what the three most important things about egg storage are
WIFE: No. You’re just going to say something stupid
ME: I promise I won’t…Just ask me
WIFE: Okay, fine. What are the three most important things about egg stor-
ME: Yokation, yokation, yokation.
My billionaire can beat up your billionaire.
ME: (to my heist crew) let’s ditch our getaway car in this pond
(puts rock on gas pedal, car revs into pond, disappears underwater)
ME: ok now….wait what’s that splashing
(Car emerges from the water on the far shore and just keeps going)
NARRATOR: The all new Chevy Malibu
[divorce court]
ME: …and that’s why I am seeking full custody
JUDGE: Again, this court does not decide custody of the “Netflix password”
Maps used to say cool stuff like “Here Be Dragons.” Now they just say bullshit like “Portugal.”
I won’t tell anyone if I win the lottery,
but there will be signs…
I dug a small hole in the Earth.
I did a handstand.
Im wearing the Earth as a hat.
Trying to fill my partner in on the latest Magic bannings
Sorry I was late. I was trying to explain to my son how an octopus has 8 legs but not 8 feet.
Me: *works out entire body a lot*
Arms: Lol no
Abs: Ehhh
Butt: haha what
Thighs: I WILL BE THE LARGEST IN THE UNIVERSE
Last night I did Crossfit for the first time and now I understand why those people always look so angry.