#dnd #ttrpg
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[blind date]
HER: I’d really like to have sextuplets
ME: Oh wow, me too!
HER: Really?
ME: Yeah, but why did you call me “tuplets”?
Moms, teach your sons to mind their manners, cook a decent meal & look for inner beauty.
Dads, teach your daughters how to throw a punch.
I’ve hidden porn everywhere. Not ordinary porn either, all that weird shit.
When I die, my family will talk about me for years to come.
at the grampys, about to anounce who won the grampy award. open envelope. its grandpa!!! you did it congratulations
when my boyfriend is home i eat three square meals a day and when he is gone i creep into the kitchen for a handful of dry cereal or a pickle every two hours like a tiny rat in a bodega in bedstuy
why you guys always think you were some cool person in your past life and not a fly that lived for like 24 hours, settle down
Don’t cry because it’s over smile because you had a solid alibi & no one will ever find the body.
My toddler just put the parent down for a nap in her dolls house and I’m trying to figure out where she’s got this idea that parents ever sleep because it’s definitely not here
Everyone is always doing laundry
*changes name to laundry
I don’t think we should be adding any new states to the US until we fix whatever the fuck is wrong with New Jersey
Look, I don’t know how to spell reniassance so you’re getting whichever one I manage to type.
WOMAN: Is anyone here a doctor?!
MAN: I sure am! And I think I can. Save that man. Like eggs & ham.
W: Shutup Seuss! I meant a real doctor.
*standing next to a wheelbarrow full of BBQ sauce*
Look, no one is arguing that the zoo fire isn’t a horrible tragedy.
Doctor: What’s the problem?
Me: Our baby cries all night
Doctor: That’s quite normal
Baby: ALL NIGHT
Doctor: Holy shit
worm: sorry i slept in hey where is everyone
I’m at my most daredevil when I sneak in the break room & steal all the good chocolate filled donuts..
“the best laid plans of mice & men oft go astray” sure but i bet mice are bringing down the average
My 3 year old cat literally just walked up to me and said, “Mother, it is absolutely shocking how many people on Twitter lie about things their children supposedly do and say.” And he’s right.
I’m new to running outside and still learning the benefits, like for example when it rains you don’t have to do it.
If by “morning person” you mean I wake up at 4 am staring into the inky blackness imagining horrific outcomes then yes I’m a morning person.
Whenever the wife asks what I’m eating. I chew faster like a dog and refuse to open my mouth
Everyday is leg day when you’re running from your problems
t-rex: aaargh I cant feel my legs
[sitting down next to a stranger at a minor league baseball game] that looks great. who’s your hot dog guy
Going to church doesn’t necessarily make you a nice person… It does, however, make you sleepy.
Are we sure this new planet isn’t just Pluto wearing a wig?
Ranch is mayonnaise with sprinkles.
Baby showers are so weird.
It’s like “hey, congrats on having a functional reproductive system”.