#dnd #ttrpg
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JUMPER ON BRIDGE: Stay back, I just want to end it all
GOOD COP: Please, you don’t have to do this
CAT COP: *slowly pushes him off bridge*
It’s easier for me to bite than my dogs, my neighbors finally get it
I don’t understand how i’m getting oreo crumbs in the bed if im swallowing them whole
Talking to my sleepy 9 year old and as a joke offered her some of my coffee. She said, “I can’t drink coffee, I’m not an old person yet,” and now I hate everything.
[first day as a director]
me, right after a scene ends perfectly: aaaaaand cup
If you go to jail for tax evasion, you are living off taxes for not paying taxes.
Therapist: So what’s the problem?
Wife: He thinks he’s a flamingo.
Me: That’s it! I’m putting my foot down.
*lowers foot that was raised*
“someone broke into your room… and peed on you while you were asleep”
me: that’s right, officer
Stop picking up fawns.
You are not a Disney princess.
And even if you are, don’t.
The whole problem with the world is that fools and fanatics are always so certain of themselves, and wiser people so full of intoxicants.
Stop pronouncing it “Caribbean.” Everyone knows it’s “Caribbean.”
[end of 1st round of my UFC debut]
Corner man: how you feeling?
Me [out of breath]: horny
Corner man: yeah you gotta stop trying to kiss him
Jesus: love your neighbor
Me: aw thanks, yours is also great
Apparently you can’t use the “don’t make me turn this car around” threat if your kids never wanted to go in the first place
Everybody loves a foam finger. Unless you’re sitting behind a very energetic child wearing one at a ballgame.
girl: i’m way into philosophy
me: who is ur favorite philosopher
girl: Hume
me: sorry whom is ur favorite philosopher
One of the things I love to do is wait to go to the doctor until I’ve done enough research to tell him what’s wrong with me.
Girlfriend is on her way over. Aaaaaaannd history deleted.
[Funeral]
Her: [Through tears] I’m gonna need your support today
Him: You got it babe [waves flag and presses air horn] WIFE! WIFE! WIFE!
Knock knock.
Who’s there?
Doorbell repairman…… the end.
“Better safe than sorry,” I say, as I key my phone number into the side of his car
Happy 10th birthday to your dating profile pic.
My son’s method of Laundry: If it’s clean it’s on the floor. If it’s dirty then it goes on the floor over there.
Me: Woohoo, I survived Thanksgiving! I can relax now.
Anxiety: Haha…Christmas.
Just took a bite out of a rotisserie chicken like I was bobbing for apples
FBI: If you testify you’ll have to go into the Witness Protection Program
ME: I’ll do it
FBI: Your wife and kids too
ME: Oh ok never mind
“When I’m done shitting on your car I’m going to watch your wife undress through her window”-Birds
Kids at this rave act like they’ve never seen a CPAP machine.