#dnd #ttrpg
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why did I just deep clean my entire apartment before the john mulaney and chappell roan saturday night live episode like they’re physically coming over
PSA:
Drunks will undercook grilled chicken every single time.
Friends don’t let friends get drunk and grill chicken.
Super glue dry times:
Wood – 30 secs
Steel – 60 secs
Ceramic – 20 secs
Fingers – instant
Ran into someone that said “oh I haven’t seen you in a long time” and I was like I know I did that on purpose.
they should invent a rest for the wicked
[Commercial for lawnmowers]
[Exhausted looking guy stood in his garden]
*Stabs a long sword into the grass*
“There has to be a better way”
BOSS TELLS ME I CAN KISS MY FERRETS AT WORK, BUT NO OPEN MOUTH. I PUNCH THE FLOOR SO HARD HIS SCREEN SAVER DEACTIVATES
My workout was getting me down so i filled my Swiss ball with helium
Roadtripping with my family has taught me that my marriage can withstand anything except roadtripping with my family.
Nobody is looking…here’s my chance…😂😏🐶
I could win awards for having a bad memory.
In fact, I probably did. How would I know.
To kill a French vampire you need to drive a baguette through its heart. Sounds easy but the process is painstaking.
Celebrating Easter by looking like I’ve been dead in a cave for the last 3 days
Where did you come from, where did you go?
Where did you come from
*whips out tampon*
“Now weigh me”
I’m not antisocial. I’m anti-idiot.
“Don’t look at me, you bought the faulty blinds”
[Starts to open package of cheese]
[Hears kids running towards kitchen]
[Escapes with cheese to car]
[Drives 5 hours to hotel]
[Checks into room]
[Starts to open package of cheese]
My dog: HEEEY CHEEESE!!!
*peeing in the urinal at McDonalds*
*turns to the guy peeing in the other urinal*
“So, what did you order?”
cashier: alright, you have a good day now!
me (offended, grabbing my 2 40s & box of donuts): I’ll do nothing of the sort
80% of parenting is trying not to laugh when you’re supposed to be mad
ME: *first day as a ghost* So we just kind of bug people?
OTHER GHOST: *going to town in a rocking chair* Have anything better to do?
Me: *in the dentist chair*
Dentist: OK so whilst you have several instruments and half my belly in your mouth, I’m going to take the opportunity at this exact moment to ask about your holidays and I do expect a response.
Thank you for ordering this $2 necklace from Etsy. With shipping your total comes to $758,937. Item will arrive from Uzbekistan in 3 years
Child protective services?
Who’s protecting the parents Huh?
WHO’S PROTECTING THE PARENTS?
About to form my very first opinion
Real Estate Agent: We’re here for your routine inspection. You have to let us in.
Me (hosing down the inside of the house): One moment.
“Britney Spears” implies the existence of a “Britney Swords”, who probably has less attack speed and range but more well-rounded damage output potential
I hide the fact that I can’t swim by eating every 15 minutes.
Me: You can watch me shower, but if my husband catches you he’ll kill you
Spider: