#dnd #ttrpg
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Dad:
Mom:
Two year old with over developed brain: Mother. Father. I do not mean to bother you but it seems I’ve soiled the crib. I tried cleaning it up but my arms are too small for me to-
Mom: Why do you have a brutish accent?
Dad: That’s the question you wanna ask?
Get in, octopus. We’re gonna open jars and do some taxes.
Told my mum someone had been shot and she asked with what? I wanted to reply ‘with a cutlass’ but I want her to pay for masters…
ME: I want a koi swimming downstream
TATTOO ARTIST: Ah yes. That’s very symbolic. You must be very spiritual?
ME: Ya ha. Also, put a pop-tart in its mouth
94% of tea drinking is just waiting for it to cool down
Judge: and how does the defendant plead
Lawyer: like this your honor *makes whiny voice *nooo I didn’t do any crimes*
Judge: HAH do it again
I haven’t had a boyfriend in so long I’m down to my last hoodie
I love crunchy peanut butter because one day someone just did a half @$$ed job and convinced people it was on purpose
“Hello, can I speak to Mr Featherstonehaugh please?”
“How are you pronouncing that?”
“It doesn’t matter, this is a written joke”
Anyone can be a hero:
Make a child smile
Rescue a kitten from a tree
Reverse Earth’s rotation to prevent an earthquake from killing your girlfriend
Have we established if Joe has a legitimate medical condition with this “cotton eye”?Are we dancing our asses off to diseases,like assholes?
day 9 in quarantine: On my way to working from home
When my wife sends me to the grocery store solo with a specific list I am not allowed to improvise. That was made clear when I got home.
there was actually a 13th apostle, but not a lot of people know about him, because he was looking for a fork he’d dropped under the table right as leonardo painted that picture
Why don’t you get back in your little car with lights and pull over someone who cares.
The guy at the gym said rest days are really important, so I’ve been resting for 6 years.
At some point I need to admit my ‘guilty pleasure’ music taste is just my music taste now
People be all walking and sneezing openly like it is 2019
We need a ride home.
“I called a Gruber”
Don’t you mean an Uber?
[villain from 1988 Die Hard arrives in black Prius]
I wonder how long until my guy friends figure out I only invite them over to kill bugs for me
Every parent becomes an Olympic sprinter when they see their toddler standing in front of a wall with a Sharpie
Picks up a package of hotdogs that are oozing grey liquid
Me: these say they have another week
*throws them in the cart*
I met a girl at a club last night and she told me she’d show me a good time.
When we got outside, she ran 100m in 9.69 seconds.
You gotta admit that humans are the ultimate #1 lifeform because we’re essentially half mermaid but we also have legs for kicking and stuff.
welcome to your forties now your eyebrows grow from your left shoulder
When Sting dies I’m calling him Stung.
Got a little bit lost in the woods. I’m putting everything into the clothes hamper in case of tics.
Heck, I’m going into the hamper too.
Within every clean home is a room with a closed door containing a large pile of miscellaneous shit that someone just tossed in there.