Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Dispatcher:
“The call is coming from inside the house!”

Me, seconds from murdered:
“I have a landline?”

Amazon lost our order of Altoids and they had to ship another one, so I am experiencing resentmint

4 am is a useless time. You can’t fall back to sleep at that hour and there is no point getting up.

When I’m president, we’ll do 11 pm twice and skip 4 am.

Have you ever looked at someone & thought, you sure could benefit from getting a library card?

If people post just two more scripture quotes on Facebook, I will have officially read the entire bible.

*wife sees me crying*
Her: What’s going on?
Me: The kids gave me this
*holds up Dad Is #1 mug*
W: That’s sweet
H: Sweet? They think I’m pee!

If you really want me to pay attention to you, you’d mention sandwiches

There’s no “u” in narcissist

*falls from grace*

PARKOUR!

Are there any police officers willing to come to my house in uniform and tell my kids that not listening to me is against the law

Piñatas are a fun way to intentionally maim the guests at your party.

teen me: I just wanna find a girl who’s nice and pretty and smart and kind

40s me: who wants to get freaky with mayonnaise, no weirdos

Your name is Jeff with a G? Jeffg? Ok

what the

Remember when we wished we could read people’s minds? Social media has shown just how shitty that power is.

Me to my daughter who is in the swimming pool: I have some water if you need some.

Daughter: *looks around* I have plenty. Thanks.

“Why did u jump off that bridge?”

My friend did it too

“Well if your friend jumped off a bridge would u?”

Yes. I literally just said that

Remember being a kid and writing “FiretrUCK” everywhere, thinking your parents wouldn’t get it? My dad just figured it out and spanked me 🙁

After multiple failed attempts to sleep in my bed my 3yr old came creeping in wearing sun glasses. After being denied once again she said “I tried a disguise this time. I thought for sure it would work.”

Girl A: We aren’t actually six years old. We’re six HUNDRED!
Girl B: Yeah. We look this young because we’re actually WITCHES and we take POTIONS to stay young!
Me: Right. But why would you choose to be 1st graders?
Girl B: Uh…
Girl A: It is possible we took too many potions.

[after meditating]: I’m still angry, but in a calmer way

Me: “Are you even listening to me?”

My son:

I choose a lazy person to do a hard job. Because a lazy person will find an easy way to do it. – Bill Gates
How is it this guy has not hired me yet?

To be fair, I did a lot of stupid shit before I was married too. Now I just have someone who judges me for it.

The old saying about pissed off waiters applies to everyone really. I’m fairly certain the guy at Home Depot just spit on my mulch.

Whenever I get a call from a telemarketer, I just treat them like a free therapist. We can talk about my car’s extended warranty after you figure out why I’m afraid of pralines.

when there’s an awkward silence during a date i start combing my hair with a fork like the little mermaid.

I like to yell “Stranger danger!”whenever my boss introduces me to a new client.

Everyone complains about the weather but noone’s sacrificing a virgin to change it either.