Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Be the reason someone gets out of bed in the morning, even if it is just to make sure the door is locked.

Day one without power. Already considering which neighbor would taste best.

You can make approximately 225 circles in a roundabout before the cops show up

Jealous that my phone can just die for a little while

Wife: “Did you know that some idiot paid $96,000 for Princess Leia’s gold bikini?”

Me: [nervously tightening my robe] “Who would do that?”

The people at this winery are acting like they’ve never seen someone pull a rotisserie chicken out of a purse before.

[blind date]
Him: what are you looking for in a partner?
Her: someone with serious ink
Him: *opens overcoat to reveal a range of 18th century fountain pens*
Her: [whispering] holy shit

Sorry I just read your text from 12 years ago. Are you guys still at Blockbuster?

Him [sexy voice]: let’s do it on the couch

Me: ew babe no that’s where we eat

My therapist told me he doesn’t eat bacon or drink coffee, I told him he’s the one that needs a psychologist.

I’ve always wanted a monkey, so I bought one today.

Anyway. Monkey for sale.

Get in loser we’re going crying

thought I was all good when my doctor said i was healthy as a horse; turns out he was referring to one specific horse, ‘Sick Matthew’

[inventing napkin dispenser]

bob: it has two settings

ceo: ok

bob: one at a time

ceo: ok

bob: or 37 at a time

ceo: first of all i love it

I woke from a nap once and jumped in shock and freaked out the cat who ran off and was going crazy making weird noises trying to get away and was all confused… ok backstory… I don’t own a cat

[getting murdered]
I hope this makes it on true crime TV.

If you want to get more out of people, squeeze them really hard.

Cleaning out my handbag. Wondering if nine pens are enough.

All these new parents wanting time to slow down, and I’m over here trying to get a fake ID for my 4YO so she can go buy Mommy’s wine.

*frowns in Scottish*

I had a scary nightmare where all the people I muted and blocked hid all my wife’s cosmetics to get me in trouble.

*hires skywriter*
YOU CAN’T BLOCK ME

Horse buying tip: ALWAYS ask how much horsepower a horse has. If a horse has less than one horsepower, you’ve got yourself a crap horse.

I can relate to Alice in Wonderland. She just keeps randomly eating and drinking with the hope that it might magically solve her problems.

If you stand too close to me in the check out line, you may as well pay for my stuff while you’re breathing down my neck.

*reads own tweet*
Haha, so relatable

“haha! silly rabbit! trix are for-” *rabbit puts a gun to the kids head* who are they for billy. tell me again who they’re for

I hate horror movies where everything goes back to normal at the end. You just had a demon inside you, but yeah, let’s go for pancakes.

I think people who use “go fly a kite” as an insult don’t really understand kites or insults.

Why is it called a ‘dad-bod’ and not a ‘father-figure’?