Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I found a message in a bottle. It said:

“The girl at the end of the bar is a lot hotter than she was 2 hours ago.”

I recycle jokes because I care about the environment, Samantha.

I bought a 12 year old whiskey. His parents are furious

I offer kid $1 to do a chore. He sticks dollar in pocket. I get dollar back on laundry day.

Lather. Rinse. Repeat!

When Plan ‘A’ and Plan ‘B’ don’t work..

Plan ‘Shaggy’:
Say it wasn’t you.

I changed my name in my daughters phone to God…just texted her and said “I saw that” You should of seen her face. Priceless

Pizza Hut Employee: I’m sorry but we don’t deliver bog grass. I’m not even sure what that is.
Moose: [incoherent bellowing]

Being a grandpa must be tough, some baby mispronounces a word and suddenly your name is “Peepo” for the last 30 years of your life

I am AWFUL at picking up if a woman is into me.

Even if one said, “I want to do you.” I’d respond, “What do you mean? Like an impression?”

After a blazing row with the girlfriend, we agreed there’d be makeup sex on date night, but I turned up in full Joker face paint and am now single again.

If Scooby-Doo taught me anything, it’s that if you want to kill someone, do it in a retirement community, where pets aren’t allowed.

Her: I’ve heard a lot about your lovemaking.

Me: Oh, your embarrassing me, really Its nothing.

Her: That’s what I heard…

TAYLOR SWIFT: I knew you were trouble when you walked in

ME (wearing ski mask and holding up gun): what gave it away?

I’m pitching a show called “Walking Dad” where dads go around biting each other and then the people who get bitten become dads too.

Now I lay me down to sleep
I pray the Lord my soul to keep
For if I die before I wake
I pray the third Paul Blart they make.

[first date]

DATE: I think cat people are psychopaths

ME: *slowly pushes date’s coffee off table*

I ONLY EAT FREE RANGE GRASSFED CHEESECAKE!

*takes off hat*
“I’m afraid I have some bad news ma’am”
*puts on her hat*
“I’ve stolen your hat”

Them: “can you just be cool for like once, maybe?”
Me: *whips a kazoo out from my pocket protector* “say no more my friend… say no more”

doctors in 90s: really try to limit your screen time to 4 hours a day

doctors today: please for the love of God find a 10 minute stretch in your day where you’re not looking at a screen. actually nevermind. just do whatever you want. have some adderall

Me: “Listen, whatever they’ve offered you to kill me, I’ll double it.”

Them: “All they offered was the experience and exposure.”

Me: “…oh no. The influencer mafia.”

Me recordaron éste meme

me: *tries to befriend another human being*
another human being: oh, no thank you

My favorite thing about decorative towels is how you’re not allowed to use them.

Because nothing says CLASS like useless towels.

*Wife sends me a link*
*I click on link*
*Buy whatever’s at the link*
*wait for delivery*

~Christmas shopping for my wife

The neighbors are looking at me strangely again. Like they have never seen a man sitting on his roof with a pair binoculars before.

*getting murdered* omg stop you can get in a lot of trouble for this.

Sometimes people just need you to be genuine with them, and I personally have no problem pretending to do that.

When you win a game of monopoly the owner of Hasbro shows up to hand you back the last 36 hours of your life.

Of course, because I’m wearing a white shirt, my coffee chose violence.