Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

biblically accurate fire hydrant

I hate when I can’t remember if my wife and I are in love or fighting. So, I’m like a minesweeper in the mornings.

Raised by wolves. Sent to college by wolves. Moves back home with wolves. Learns to ignore wolf-mom’s worried glances.

Took our kids to a restaurant again because we never learn our lesson.

Don’t rub your happiness in people’s faces this Valentine’s Day. Let the couples enjoy themselves for once.

*scampers over to ice cream truck*

Yes, I’ll take the SpongeBob who looks like he just opened the Ark of the Covenant, please.

People say “Home is where the heart is”.

Actually though, the heart is between the lungs in the middle of the chest, behind and slightly to the left of the sternum.

Idiots.

If bras are called over the shoulder boulder holders then panties should be named under the hip lip grippers.

“BRING ME THE FOETUS’ OF 3 CHICKENS”

*Maniacal stare*

“Listen dude, its called an omelette,a 3 egg omelette”

“AND THE BLOOD OF 4 ORANGES”

Spent the day decorating the house for Christmas and my wife spent the day re-decorating the house for Christmas.

The 3 yo was playing row row row your boat in a box across the floor. All was fun until he announced his paddle broke.

It’s my shoe. My shoe was the paddle. My shoe is broken.

8am: i’m so tired
10am: i’m so tired
1pm: i’m so tired
4pm: i’m so tired
8pm: i’m so tired
11pm: i’m so tired
2am: WHAT HAVEN’T I WATCHED ON NETFLIX, WHAT CAN I BUY ON AMAZON DOT COM, I AM GOING TO CHECK LINKEDIN FOR THE FIRST TIME EVER

Damn Girl, are you a violin solo in a Dave Matthews song? Cuz you go on forever.

*buying teacher’s gifts*
7: Mrs. J said she hates candles.
Me: {recalling mountain of homework every night} Pumpkin Spice Candle it is then!

Her (gently shaking me awake): “Did you know you grind your teeth in your sleep?”

Me (removing mouth guard): “Firstly, yes that’s why I wear this.

Secondly, you shouldn’t be talking to me now.

And thirdly, you need to get back behind the yellow line when I’m driving this bus.”

Ok gas pump, enough! Credit or debit? Zip code? Reward Card? Car Wash? Receipt? What octane? It takes less buttons to launch a nuke!

waiter: bread for the table?

me: ok fair swap (walks away with basket of bread)

Treat your guests like family, so they don’t stay too long.

One time I ate so much Trader Joe’s tzaziki while I was babysitting that the next day there was a post-it note on it that said “for the kids only” and that’s just one beautiful beautiful moment in my colorful history

I suspect that the deep state is using nanotechnology to make my underwear tighter and I don’t like it.

Sorry I haven’t returned your text in 3 days, I was taking a nap.

If cartoons are a reliable guide, the secret to never ageing is wearing the same clothes every day.

Having ordered a cake from Layer’s I requested they send change for 2000/- (conversation was in Urdu). This is what was delivered!

My favorite form of cardio is racing around trying to hide the evidence of my snacking as my husband walks into the room after his workout

Giving birth?
Passing a gallstone?
Monica Seles tennis match?

Possible scenarios from sounds emitted from chic on elliptical next to me

Wife: *working a crossword* Seven letter word for female.

Me: Ironman

Wife: Get out!

My new refrigerator beeps when the door has been left open for too long and so when I’m looking for lunch now I always feel attacked.

I can’t be a sellout. I have no idea what anyone wants.

A baby was born laughing really hard with it’s fists closed! The confused Doctor unfolded it’s tiny fingers, & found a birth control pill.