Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

You’re officially old when the lady who cuts your hair starts asking you if you would like her to trim your eyebrows and ears

…yes please

That’s *exactly* what Meghan Markle would say.

My doctor says I need to up my potassium intake and now on top of everything else I need to learn to mine bananas and avocados

Latte is the most popular part of the pumpkin spice plant.

sometimes killer whales hunt moose, and if that doesn’t scare and confuse you, it probably should

90% of marriage is seething hostility towards your spouse for being on their phone once your own phone dies

There’s no low-key way to explain how you’re donating a third lung to the local medical school

Unfortunate story layout on Apple News this morning.

ME: Every tool in The Flintstones was an animal modified into servitude. Except for transportation. A role historically fulfilled by animals, yet man had to power their cars alone. It feels symbolically significant.

ARCHAEOLOGY PROFESSOR: How do you keep getting in here?

A guy in my class stopped me today as I was walking out and said “I gotta show you this girl she’s your literal twin” and then showed me my own Instagram

Itsy bitsy spider (drenched): sorry I’m late

Spider’s wife: what took so long?

Itsy bitsy spider: I got washed down the water spout

Spider’s wife: you won’t be climbing up that again

Itsy bitsy spider: yeah… for sure

PriGOzhin? More like PriWENTzhin.

I Saw Mommy Kissing Santa Claus: A Guide For Talking To Your Children About Polyamory

Having a large vocabulary may not make you intelligent, but it really can help you bullshit your way through just about anything

[guy from the 50s arrives in a time machine]
“Who’s president?”
Barack Obama
“Braco? Sounds Mexican”
Nope
“Whew”
You might want to sit down

[landlord walks in apartment]
“I told you no pets!”

That’s a stray gerbil.

“And those fish??”

…stray fish. SHOO FISH, SCRAM

How come it’s called an “engagement ring” and not kneel diamond?

WIFE: You’re very quiet. What are you thinking?

ME: They should call the receipt the cashier gives you a ‘buyography’ and the one from the self-checkouts an ‘autobuyography’.

HER: Sometimes it’s ok to say ‘nothing’

Me: You can’t stay home by yourself.

8-year-old: You can trust me, Dad. I’m responsible.

Me: You’re holding nunchucks.

8: I’m holding nunchucks responsibly.

I’ve had no formal martial arts training, but I know for a fact the Power Rangers are wasting too much energy on unnecessary summersaults

“I just cleared out some freezer space” sounds way more productive than “I just polished off a bag of tater tots”.

I’ve watched “Aladdin” like 25 times with my kids, so I know quite a bit about politics in the Middle East.

If Canada takes over the world we’re all going to be sorry.

Nobody:

Toy Makers: KIDS ARE PROBABLY HARD OF HEARING SO MAKE SURE EVERYTHING IS LOUD

*invites cute girl over for dinner. Orally de-bones a whole chicken*

i’m crying live action simba really did not gaf

You can literally take anything from anyone as long as you shout “police emergency” and run away

My boss says I have to wear pants to work even if it is my birthday. Rude.

Me: I try not to make snap judgments.

Me (watching someone eat Peeps): You’re disgusting.

Do werewolves pull their ripped pants down to poop in the woods?