Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My husband and I play this game where we buy potato chips the other one doesn’t like so we don’t have to share.

People who say watching golf on TV is boring have obviously never listened to golf on the radio

The mailman asked me to stop my dog from barking and not sure why he thinks I’d side with him, the guy that brings me bills and catalogues I hate, over my dog, the guy that is the most handsome boy in the entire world.

Pastor: pray for your enemies.
Me: Dear god, please kill all of my enemies.
Pastor: no! Not like that!
Me: too late. I already said amen.

*removing hair clog from drain*

Well wookiee here

if your cat keeps trying to make noise but nothing is coming out, check and make sure they didn’t get stuck on mewt

Me: You shifted your bar to the rooftop from the basement?
Him:
Him: Yes, I raised the bar.

Me: I did a line!

Grandma: you’re supposed to say Bingo

Me: *wiping coke off my nose* what

They make SAVORY soup now? No more dessert soup for me!

Sorry I didn’t do something sooner, I just couldn’t tell whether you were choking or beatboxing

Eating cheese right off the block then realizing you’ve eaten too much so you eat a bunch of chips makes it like nachos, right?

Hey, fellas

HELLO FELLOW HUMAN TEENS I HEARD THE COOLEST PLACE FOR US TEENS TO HANG OUT IS Ｔｈｅ Ｃｏｌｏｓｓａｌ Ｐｉｌｌａｒ ｏｆ Ｗａｓｐ Ｅｇｇｓ LETS GO DO NOT BRING WEAPONS

I’m always behind the person at McDonald’s who acts like they’ve never seen the menu in their life

Good: The sweet sound of my child’s laugh

Bad: at 4 AM.

Six degrees of separation but it’s me trying to get a discount through a friend of a friend of a friend.

there is no such thing as a “cool” 24 year old. there are 24 year olds who act like weird teenagers and 24 year olds who like, work at the bank. that’s it, there is no in between.

My husband says how much he loves my cooking by having poison control on speed dial.

my mom gave me a whistle in case you guys start giving me advice

Gas prices are so high I’m riding my Roomba to work

Eleanor Rigby: Yep so I’m a church janitor

The Beatles: So you must be lonely as shit. Like that’s so sad. Man that sucks so much, for you.

Eleanor Rigby: No actually, idk where you-

The Beatles: I’m going to write a song about this

What do we want?

A CURE FOR PARANOIA

When do we want it?

WHO WANTS TO KNOW

What do you call someone who chews all day?

A train

*adds Doritos to wedding registry*

Customer: Excuse me, are you the manager? Those Xmas Hams are expired

Manager: Um…
[changes sign to “Vintage Hams”]

Hipster: I’ll take 4

This is a special tweet. Only people who are sex deprived can read this tweet.

I use my imagination to solve problems.

And by imagination, I mean booze.

Just finished a 5k. It took me 4 days and was filled with snacks and naps but at least I finished.

I have eaten
a roll
of toilet
paper

and cut open
all of
my kitchen
appliances

forgive me
I really thought
they were
cakes

41 years old and I find myself in the grip of an identity crisis. Do I became a hat guy or a shaved-head guy?

Manager: just got a quick little job for you

Translation: I’ve got a humongous shitty task for you that will make you want to quit your job