Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I can’t go on anymore dates so if you all could just decide amongst yourselves who’s stuck with me that would be great

I’ve developed a program that checks my Facebook each day and automatically sends “Happy Birthday” posts. I run it on a cloud service that’s so cheap that I’ve loaded it with enough credit for it to run autonomously for ten years. I’m worried it’ll keep going after I die.

Bscape Enyone Aan Can Have

Know when to holdem
*Pick up panties
Know when to foldem
*Fold em
Know when to walk away
*Leave laundromat
Know when to run
*Girl chasing me

I’d never impersonate an Uber driver and show up at your house.
That would be crazy.

The secret to a good marriage is that it’s all about give and take. Giving each other frequent back rubs and ordering lots of takeout

[November 2030]

*at the ocean*

“don’t forget your oil block, 800 spf sunblock and your radiation suits”

Kids: This fish has three heads

Acquaintances: “So what have you been up to?”
What I hear: “Please explain yourself, we’re trying to figure you out.”

Me: *wearing white shirt*

Every food in the universe: GET HIM!

Hot shingles in your area are looking to give your dermatomes a painfully good time!

“I’M COLD!” yells the teen who is wearing shorts & a tshirt in 40 degree weather & ignored his mother when she said to dress warmer.

Child: I can’t wait to be older.

Me [tweezing grey hairs growing out of my ear]: There is literally no greater joy.

[tarot card reading]

*flips card*
You will be a King
*flips card*
And find a beautiful queen
*flips card*
Oh my, you will be clubbed TWICE

Customer: …is that a regular deck of cards?

[speed dating session]

Me: I have a good job with benefits. I love movies and hiking. And I’m a cat person.

Her: I love that! *writes her number on a napkin and slides it across to me*

Me: *slowly pushes the napkin off the table*

“Great minds think alike”
So do stupid minds

normalize slapping the phone out someone’s hand when they use speakerphone in public.

Tickling is the most absurd bodily function.

Here, let me use feathers to completely incapacitate you.

Oh, so my credit card company will call if they think there are “suspicious charges” but they won’t call to check on how I’m doing after seeing I went to the same McDonald’s twice in one day?!

One time I ate a quarter and pooped out a gumball.

Never use profanity. Unless you live on the East Coast. Where it is considered punctuation and shit.

It would be easier if they just reported which parts of the globe aren’t on fire and don’t have hurricanes.

First rule of robbing banks is you have to shout, “THIS IS A ROBBERY!” Otherwise they might think it’s a baptism.

My kid invented a game but told me it was too complicated and I wouldn’t understand. Reader, he is throwing a stuffed animal repeatedly in the air and catching it

I like you, but I like peeing in swimming pools, so it’s not saying much.

Sorry I wrote “All dogs matter” on your “I ❤️ my Weimaraner” bumper sticker.

The grammar police are there to ensure proper sentencing.

[cornerman sitting me down after the first round] ya gotta stop telling him you’re diabetic he doesn’t care

Am not being sponsored to say this but if anyone is looking for a way to make swallowing food easier, try using “Teeth”. I recently began using teeth while eating and it’s reduced the number of Heimlich manoeuvres I receive per month by over 94% 👍

I told a joke to my boss and he must have found it really funny because now I get to tell it to HR.

I’ve now had my account locked and been forced to change my password so many times it is up to: password1234567