Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

this atm and my therapist need to get together and pick a lane

If I had The Force I’d just use it to open pistachios

I can’t stop laughing at this photo my friend posted of an iguana eating her guacamole at a resort in Cabo. It brings me such joy. And the people looking on with horror/laughter are the chef’s kiss.

I enjoy a good horror movie before bed so I can be POSITIVE there is a demon in my closet waiting to possess me.

Harry Potter and the Uber of Eats

I literally never cry, so my body makes up for it by leaking out of different places. My doctor says it’s called “peeing” what a dumb idiot.

*brings nachos to your exorcism*

*aggressively pronounces luncheon like lunch-ee-own*

[Obamacare Meeting]
*Biden raises hand*
*Obama sighs* Yes Joe?
Will the doctor still have lollipops?
Sure.
*Entire Congress sighs w/ relief*

Of course introverts lie, how do you think we get jobs.

my sister is about to have a baby and my brother showed up to the hospital in a suit because “first impressions matter”

The only difference between a psychiatrist and a drug dealer is that the drug dealer doesn’t make you wait an hour.

Hey Alaska wilderness show person who is about to freeze to death with no hope in sight, maybe just cuddle up with the crew filming you…

DOCTOR: *holding $5 bill* what’s this for?

ME: it’s a tip

DOCTOR: okay, but you still need to lose weight

ME: *hands him $20 bill*

I’m not saying that asking your kids to clean will always make things worse, but I asked my 4yo to clean his muddy shoes and found him standing naked in a full bathtub polishing them with his toothbrush

[DEATH ROW]
WARDEN: Last meal?
CON: Just a glass of lemonade please
*Drinks lemonade/Burps*
WARDEN: Pardon
[CON WALKS FREE]
W: SHIT

[Dinner with GFs parents]
*Does shadow puppet of a bird*
“Thats great but I asked what you do for a living?”
Um *smooths tie* I’m unemployed

Just watched a guy in a shirt that read “Jedi I am” trip on a curb and fall.

Jedi you are not sir

interviewer: we’ve decided to go with another candidate

me [slides can of spinach across table]: what about now?

interviewer: wrong popeyes

me [slides second can of spinach across table]: and now?

Baby proofing is like trying to plug a giant hole with your finger, much more effective is to duct tape your child to the floor in the middle of an empty room

Stop buying plastic skeletons for Halloween. It’s terrible for the environment. Locally sourced, all natural skeletons are much more environmentally friendly.

I get it, orcas! I, too, like to sink annoying children’s toys in the pool

Me: I forbid you to go!

Her: What was that?

Me: You heard me! I said, “I’d really appreciate it if you’d reconsider!”

I am officially old enough to have to put on glasses to find my pants

[first date]

I just love that you are a normal, cool girl.

*subtly slides macaroni art of your face back under my chair*

-Yeah, totally.

?

When I say “I’m open to feedback” I mean “I accept compliments.”

2021 is the perfect year to test out my new response to any awkward family Thanksgiving topics: “I don’t wanna talk about ______, I wanna talk about Taylor Swift..”

Bathroom hand dryers are amazing if you want to kill a few minutes before wiping your hands on your pants.

Twitter: What do our users want?
Users: An edit button and relief from spam/abuse.
Twitter: Novella-length Tweets it is!