Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I’d joined kids karate to crush them; I hadn’t thought of their strength in numbers. They were piling on like Gremlins. This was happening.

Dracula is never rebooted, merely revamped

I want to travel like a stolen kidney, handled carefully and packed gently in ice

ladies and gentlemen this is your captain speaking, please fasten your seatbelts i wanna try something

Me to my husband: Would you like to bring a third into our love making? [my googly eyed hand puppet slides into view]

Avocados are like children. It’s important you spend a lot of quality time with them so they won’t go bad…

Instead of chasing after Taylor Swift, I’m just going to wait until she breaks up with everyone else so I’m all that’s left.

Hear me out – fortune hotdogs

me writing at 3am: holy shit….. this is so good when did i become this talented
me reading what i wrote the next day: he roled he’s eye

[5:45 AM]
Daughter: “Daddy can you make me breakfast?”

Me: “Can you not reach your Halloween candy?”

me: I’m sorry, I just don’t have the mental energy to keep trying to fix you

dinner ingredients:

Me: I’m gonna go work on your car

Wife: *remembering the time I thought her car’s air conditioner was called the car brr ator* Please don’t

My husband hates sex so much he left on a two week business trip. Three weeks early!

Friend: It sounds terrible but sometimes I find myself disliking my own children
Me: Don’t worry, that’s really common
Friend: Really?
Me: Yeah, everyone hates your kids

Doctor: serious side effects of this medication can include death

Me: I’ll take it

Imagine your card declining at a bar and they squeeze all the alcohol out of you like a lemon

I sign all anniversary cards with ‘Way to commit to the bit!’

Lots of bills lately. I might have to sell a kidney. Haven’t decided whose yet.

[trying to sleep]

Me: ok, just breathe and relax.

Brain: OR WE COULD TRY AND FIGURE OUT THE EXACT MOMENT ALL YOUR HOPES AND DREAMS DIED

I joined my 5yo in Roblox and after she was done giving my avatar a tour of her house, she followed my avatar into the bathroom because she didn’t want it to be lonely. Apparently no version of me gets privacy in the bathroom.

Taco Bell doesn’t have a playground because its hard to have fun when you might shit your pants

*eating freshly baked cookies*

4: I want lots more!

Me: you’ve had a lot already… I don’t want you to get a stomachache

4: but *I* want a stomachache!!!

Still trying to convince my boss that I’m just using beer-flavoured toothpaste.

The automatic toilet flushed while I was still peeing.

Apparently my superpower is being invisible.

SOCK COP: i’ll ask you one last time, WHERE IS MY PARTNER?

DRYER: rot in hell, pig

Hypothesis, hypotenuse and hippopotamus are the same words
Stay woke, sheeples

“Dad, I’m I want you to move back home rent free”

hi I want you to move back home rent free. I’m dad

“Ok thanks dad”

well shit

I’m going to go to the gym and then to eat a Doritos Loco Taco, because I like to keep my body guessing whether or not I hate it.

Me: (after eating 12 fudgesicles)
Ok. Time to get to work.

You: You can actually buy popsicle sticks at any craft store.

Me: Don’t question my art.

Morning sickness, but instead of being pregnant you just find mornings repulsive.