Do all gothic horror stories have to be in ancestral family homes? I am too poor for generational hauntings.
You Might Also Like
Recipes be like you’ll need an 1/8 tsp of this really hard to find item. Also, it’s gonna cost $125
Pro Tip: If you stand outside a restaurant wearing a red jacket, people will literally just give you their car.
At school, Scooby-Doo excelled at the three Rs – biology, Spanish and geography.
I’m going to go to the gym and then to eat a Doritos Loco Taco, because I like to keep my body guessing whether or not I hate it.
*Clark Kent leaves his glasses on the coffeemaker at work*
Lois: Anyone see the coffeemaker? You, with the glasses…seen the coffeemaker?
Landlords be like “it’s an old building” alright then I’ll pay old rent, here’s 20 bucks it’s a fortune
Not sure why my doctor prescribed LSD for a case of constipation…until I saw those dragons and totally shit my pants.
Superman: Where’s Batman?
Wonder Woman: *shrugs*
Firestorm: I dunno
Green Lantern: …
Superman: Oh shit, we forgot Batman can’t fly again!!
I’m sorry but how the hell did we land on the moon and back in 1969 but can’t retrieve our astronauts from the Space Station in 2024?
Cashier: you’re 8 cents short
Me: it’s only 8 cents can you just let it slide
Cashier: no
Me: *slides cashier 20 dollars* what about now
Do nudists have anxiety dreams where they show up to events clothed?
[goes to sign up for course on how to handle bad news better]
“sorry, we’re full”
[lights myself on fire]
me: listen I’m pretty busy now can we do this tomorrow?
murderer: yeah sure sorry
For fifty bucks this Yellowstone park ranger said he can get me into his top secret bear hugging seminar
Who needs clocks when my dog’s digestive system can nail time with pinpoint accuracy
My daughter and I were in a drive thru and the lady said, “She headed to a photo shoot?” And I said, “She’s actually on her way to court.”
She looked surprised so I said, “She’s not in trouble, she’s a lawyer.” And she said, “Well if she was in trouble she wouldn’t be for long.”
I drove my new Corvette over to see my daughter’s puppy. First time I took my Vette to the dog.
ACCOUNTANT: So you want to write off 5000 bat-shaped boomerangs??
BATMAN, intense voice: They’re essential for my war on crime!
ACCOUNTANT: That’s fine, but claiming *boomerangs* as an *unrecoverable* business expense…
BATMAN, normal voice: Oh yeah, no, yeah, I see your point.
Me: Now that I’m an adult, I can eat whatever I want.
Metabolism:
Just went to Cracker Barrel for the first time in my life and my biggest takeaway is that obesity is delicious.
Interviewer: Why did you leave your job as a customer service representative?
Me: The phone calls kept interrupting my nap.
I need everyone to stop having the flu and bringing the flu to the ER and then infecting the non flu patients with the flu so they come back to the ER for the flu, etc etc
Me: *pressed against glass* they can’t keep us apart, they can’t deny our love, you’re my lobster
Aquarium owner: *into walkie talkie* security
Me: *being dragged away* WAIT FOR ME LEONARDO DA PINCHI
*Starts cutting the chicken of the person next to me at a dinner party out of habit*
Stranger danger is a very real thing.
They nearly always react badly to proposals.
got my mind on my money and my money
is nowhere to be found.
Friend: How are you doing?
Me *reading a book about the identification & use of medicinal plants, so that I have a viable apocalypse skill to barter on the offchance of a complete societal breakdown* Fine.
I can clear that with ease, Elsie! Frankly, your lack of confidence is insulting.
20 seconds later:
*goes shopping without makeup and a hair in the messy bun*
“Hi everybody I ever met since 1999”
Me: *sits still 90% of my day by choice* This is nice.
Also me: *stuck in traffic* You mean I just have to SIT here?!’