Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Ovenable?

#WhatMostWomenWant A man with a vibrating penis.

Megan, but with an H? Whatever you say, girls named Hmegan.

If the wife and I ever separate, she’ll definitely miss having a finger jammed in her mouth whenever she yawns

If you tell me you have a quick and easy recipe and I have to scroll to get through all the ingredients that’s not a quick and easy recipe.
Also, you’re now dead to me.

Florida mom delivers 14-pound baby after surprise pregnancy .

Florida?? NO PART of this story surprises me.

My kids never meet a drink he couldn’t spill

I wish they had an app that allows you to delete your number from other ppl’s phones.

Dental office: fill out this giant package of paper & get in line.

Me: I’m paying cash.

Dental office: *unhooks red rope* right this way ma’am, would you like some champagne?

Just wanted to let you all know that I have been admitted into hospital and they are keeping me in. I’ve only gone and poisoned myself, thanks to my cooking skills. What I thought was an onion for my salad turned out to be a daffodil bulb. They said I should be out early spring.

not holding the door for the person right behind you and letting it slam onto them: objectively inconsiderate and so easy to avoid

holding the door for someone who’s like 30 feet away: a blatant act of terrorism

she loves me [takes bite of hotdog]
she loves me not [takes another bite of hotdog]

Having your own bed while married is crazy—got my body plopped in the middle—-remote on one side—ipad on the other—bag of snickers over yonder

Cop: we know you’re in there.
Me in a French accent: I am not ere, I am in France.
Cop: when will you be back?
Me: je ne comprends pas

♫Whip me up, Before you Nae Nae
Don’t leave me hanging on like a Bae Bae♫

Recent studies show that eating bacon or other red meats increases your chances of dying by 20%

So apparently I have a 120% chance of dying

I should’ve known inventing a boomerang with teeth would come back to bite me.

Neutrons are the Switzerland of subatomic particles.

My friend said she’d bring a harmonica over for my daughter. What’s the fastest way to get a restraining order?

If you don’t know the right way to bend your knees and lower yourself for exercise purposes then you don’t know squat.

The mailman told my husband he banged every woman on the block, except for 1, I told him it had to be Carol next door, she’s really not friendly

My gf said, “I’m backing the car in the garage. Would you let me know when I hit the wall?”

Me: Sure.

[BANG]

Me: it’s 4 35 pm.

[tasting wine]
ah yes, good nose, medium bodied & saucy, racy acidity, robust tannins, hint of dark currant, but vodka still exists so literally none of this matters

What’s it called when you’re a perfectionist but also extremely bad at everything?

ad for letuce:

do u- hey do u ever wish u coud eat water

If anyone breaks in, I take comfort in knowing they’ll never get past the 20 pairs of shoes in the hallway.

GOD: no work on the sabbath or I’ll kill you

ISRAEL [hasn’t had a day off in 400 years]: awesome!

GOD: what

ISRAEL: we mean…oh no so hard

I’m not a heavy drinker but I do really like when the wine bottle makes the DOOKODOOKDOOK sound and will pour a glass of wine to experience it.

My toddler stole bacon off my plate.

We all had a good laugh.

Then I made her move out.

Things that keep me up at night #6874

The time my mother decided to be a wing woman (wing aunt?) for my cousin at my uncle’s funeral…