Do all gothic horror stories have to be in ancestral family homes? I am too poor for generational hauntings.
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Her: So, what are we thinking?
Him: Well, one of us is thinking, “I have a good idea,” and the other is thinking, “No, he doesn’t.”
Make a horror film less scary by putting old timey words in the title, i.e. The Thingamabob, Jason Goes To Heck or The Hills Have Peepers.
Me: How much for the Bohemian golf ball?
Clerk: That’s an egg.
[sermon]
There will come a day when Christ will drive out evil from our land, and it will be the Judgment Day!
*T-1000 shifts nervously*
If you’re hitting the gas every time she tries to open the passenger side door, remember, the 8th time is always the funniest.
“Just spread them open and shove your face in there.”
– How to put on glasses.
*Dorothy pummells Glenda with a ruby slipper
DAFUQ YOU MEAN I HAD THE POWER TO GO HOME ALL ALONG?!! YOU SENT A MINOR TO MURDER A WITCH!!??
I’m at 7%. My phone too. We both will probably die before I get off work.
guy about to invent alarm clocks: i wish waking up early was worse
old people with oxygen tanks are sneaking away to live in an underwater utopia
Friend: Wanna go for a run?
Me: From what?
My husband just yelled, “WE DONT GOAT SCREAM IN THE HOUSE!” In case you’re wondering how quarantine is going.
On a road trip, if you need to pee, you have two options: public restrooms or the grass. I went for grass and could see my dogs nodding their heads in solidarity
Purchased the e-book version of Infinite Jest like an idiot and had to make do.
ME (a plane scientist): ah yes, the plane is clearly thirsty
I left my kid in daycare an extra half hour so I could eat Doritos without sharing and I have absolutely no regrets about this
BRITISH PEOPLE: so, shoe sizes go up in halves to 13 and then start again at 1. Women’s clothes go up in 2s but using only even numbers. Height is in feet made up of 12 inches and weight is in stones made up of 14…
ALIEN: are there any smarter animals we can talk to?
😩😩😩
Remember if a company says “we’re like a family here” they don’t mean like a nice TV family they mean like a normal family where everyone has undiagnosed mental health issues and no one likes each other.
Dear People who like me,
I appreciate every single two of you.
[first day as assassin]
mob boss: we need you to take care of someone
me: *spends next 25 years feeding & clothing a chap called dutch tony*
Florida’s state motto should be “hold my beer.”
Me: I think we should take the next step. I want you to meet my parents
Her: now that we’ve been married for eleven years?
My “15 minutes of fame” are when I get my paycheck and everyone I owe money comes to collect
Almost every branch of science has a pseudoscience associated with it: chemistry and alchemy, astronomy and astrology, math and economics…
Me: *pointing gun* put all the money in the bag
Him: sir this is a food bank
Me: put all the broccoli in the bag
Doctor: Describe your headache.
Me: She’s about 5’8″, blonde, and the mother of my children.
Me: I want a never ending spoon of Ben and Jerry’s
Genie: done
Ben Affleck and Jerry Garcia: why are we hugging this guy
Me: shhh
Damn that is one huge cow. this is why I buy internet on flights. I almost saw that 6 hours after you guys did
No one is more drunk with power than a toddler who has learned to use a cup with no lid or straw