Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My neighbor just yelled at her kids so loud, that even I brushed my teeth & went to bed.

Thanks autocorrect. I wanted her to know that I shaved my duck.

Me: Accept your flaws. You’ll feel better. It worked for me.

Her: You accepted your flaws?

Me: No. I accepted your flaws.

An ATM has surveillance footage of me feeding it Kraft Singles, so there’s that.

My spirit animal is this kid at my son’s football practice that just stands and cries every time he’s told he has to run

[spelling bee]

your word is ‘hors d’oeuvre’

“can you use it in a sentence?”

yes…’I bet this kid can’t spell hors d’oeuvre’

Hearing a toddler say “uh oh” from a different room: cheaper than joining a gym and just as effective a workout

My husband thinks it’s embarrassing when I sing to my tomato plants when the neighbors are outside. But I think it’s embarrassing he doesn’t.

Cat: [I am the cousin of tigers, leopards, lions, panthers, and pumas]

Me: *putting tiara on cat’s head* you’re a pretty pretty princess!

If you think voting is pointless wait until you hear about writing posts here.

Today is apparently Ash Wednesday which I can only assume has something to do with our hero from the hit TV show Pokémon.

Good cop: be a pal and tell us who did crime

Dad cop: you’re gonna want to be at the airport ten hours before your flight

*goes to watch youtube vid*

BUFFER

well okay *lifts weights*

*checks again*

BUFFER

*does steroids*

BUFFER

“WHAT DO YOU WANT FROM ME”

My daughter’s school held a Multicultural Night at school which was amazing, so gorgeous, informative and fun but I had to put on a good bra so I can only give it a 5/10.

“Some people put a ton of research into their fantasy football team but I don’t get crazy with it” -my bf using two monitors with 3 spreadsheets and 10 tabs open

Money doesn’t impress me. You know what does? Treehouses.

[space]
MARS: March was named after me
PLUTO: So, Mickey Mouse’s dog was named after me
MARS: …
PLUTO: …
MARS: I’m a planet
PLUTO: Sonuvabi—

I want to be on maternity leave but without the baby.

disney: we want a nice elegant design that just says ‘Walt Disney’
graphic designer: Walt Gisney
disney: looks great

ME: I’m hungry. I think I’ll get McDonald’s.
HER: Aren’t you on a diet?
ME: OK. I’ll only get one McDonald.

[ interview at funeral home ]

director: are you ok being around death

me: *picturing all my houseplants* yes

Sitting in my backyard is just yelling over the fence at the neighbor kids letting them know my son isn’t home yet.

I stand right next to the “God Hates Fags” guy with a sign that says “Please Ignore My Ex-Boyfriend”

I made my 4-year-old sit at the table till she finished her lunch

It took her 3 hours

She was so excited to be done

Then I served dinner.

My husband sent me a text using just emojis and it’s weird, you would think he would know by now that I don’t even like eggplant.

Grease is my favourite film about a group of high-school kids who have been kept back for 17 years

I remember Daddy told me fairy tales can come true so any time an old lady offers me an apple or cookie I kill her and bury her in the woods

[talent show audition]

Me: *pressing lips to mic* I’m a coroner by day and a ventriloquist by night

Judge: whose lips are those?

Don’t talk to me unless you are a ham sandwich.