Do angry tweeters know about prune juice?
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On vacation, I ask the concierge to stand outside the shower and ask me random questions so I can feel right at home.
“If I let them stay up late on Friday night, we can sleep in Saturday morning!”
-a strategy that has never worked for any parent, ever.
People who scream on roller-coasters : Did you not expect it to go fast down the hill?
A choir of Spring onions
I took sex ed in school. At no point did they point out that I wouldn’t have any
can we get some a.i. to pick plastic out of the ocean or do all the robots need to be screenwriters?
Executioner: Before we do this, what would you like for your last meal?
“I’ll have a panda please”
[judge, under his breath] Can he do that?
WIFE *stuck on crossword puzzle*: I need a four-letter word for “Identical”.
ME *also stuck on crossword puzzle*: same.
#WhenYouAdoptAPet you’ll always be safe from cheese. #tailsofjoy
Adam: Eve, you read the terms and conditions before using that Apple product right?
Eve: Uh yeah, totally
THERAPIST: You’re cured.
ME: Really?!?
THERAPIST: No, of course not. How did that make you feel?
“911 what’s ur emergency”
I… stabbed someone
“What? Why?”
He walked up to me and was all like HAPPY MONDAY
“Is he dead?”
No
“Stab him again”
*notices one of my own hairs on my dog*
WELL IT SEEMS THE TABLES HAVE TURNED
People in glasshouses shouldn’t throw surprise parties.
Bow Wow’s full name is actually Boward Woward
Stealing pillows is not as easy as I thought…
“STOP FRISKING ME
I’M JUST FLUFFY BONED!”
Whenever my turd splashes loudly in a restroom stall I play the sound of a baby crying on my phone and yell “it’s a boy!”.
hate how quietly iphones die. at 5% it should start verbally begging for its life
Never know who you’ll run into at the gas station!
Authorities claim that a Canadian company is at the centre of an international pyramid scheme. The company hasn’t responded to the accusation, but they did ask two people to respond for them, and each one asked two people to respond for *them*, and so on.
This guy told me he spoke Swedish and then spoke Swedish and tbh I have no way of knowing if he was lying.
[date]
HER: it’s getting late
ME: [shouting through my garfield mask] IT’S BARELY 8:15
I hum “Eye of the Tiger” when I have to stand-up from a low couch
Are we not gonna talk about how Edward Scissorhands’ mom had sex with a cutlery drawer?
[During Sex]
“Hurry up, this isn’t really my house.”
I can’t be the only person who thinks the presidential debate should be performed as a rap battle.
Fun Fact: Dove chocolate tastes way better than their soap.
nothing saves money like being antisocial
In Scotland we don’t like our revenge as a dish served cold, we like it deep fried.