Do angry tweeters know about prune juice?
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wishing you and yours all the best
(meeting for naming cereal)
“List the ingredients; maybe we’ll get inspired.”“Honey, bunches of oats–”
“I think we’re done here.”
Can scientists please stop calculating pi to a million decimal places and instead get working on an instant hangover cure.
that time you heard your best friend swear in front of his mom
“Age is an issue of mind over matter. If you don’t mind, it doesn’t matter.”
– Mark Twain
Note to self: I am a note
When he says he likes your personality but he hasn’t met them all.
Instead of seizing the day, I’m going to make little “shoo shoo” motions at it.
Wife: What did I ask you to do?
Me: Love you forever?
W:
M: Kill a man to defend you honor?
W: EMPTY THE DISHWASER
I was getting there.
When I walk through automatic doors sometimes I think I’m controlling them with my mind, that’s normal right?
You can take the girl out of the food court, but not this girl. I’m staying.
878 dead bodies lay there.
Liam Nesson “Are we done?”
Police: “Sure, I don’t see any reason why we should arrest you.”
I’m so glad that I got my big grocery shopping trip out of the way on Sunday. Now I only have to stop at the store 750 times during the week.
Someone left an honest-to-goodness Yellow Pages phonebook on my front porch today. I immediately notified the Smithsonian. kids, ask your parents what a phonebook is.
If you’re about to be turned into stone by Medusa, strike a hilarious pose and at least lighten things up for the next guy.
Fun Fact: 100% of people don’t know what to do with a dirty dish at someone else’s house.
Sometimes the best questions do not have immediate answers
9 out of 10 zoo dentists refuse to treat grizzly bears unless it’s been given a STRONG anesthetic, proving true the old adage that…
There’s safety in numb-bears.
I’ve been dating a girl online who I think might be a Catfish. Every time I try to meet, her excuse is that she “can’t survive on dry land.”
Fun fact: Pouring water on a snorer only makes them mad.
Every so often, I try to fornicate a large word into conversation, even if I’m not sure what it means.
[algebra class]
KID: This is so stupid
TEACHER: You may need it in your job
KID: What job?
TEACHER: …
KID: …
TEACHER: Algebra teacher?
but like if you somehow manage to launch yourself to the ISS they ought to let you in? right??
asking for a friend
I can still taste the cardamom pod I accidentally chewed in that pilau rice in 1989.
9am: “Right, that’s my sandwich made ready for lunchtime”
9.05am: “Right, that’s that sandwich eaten”
[walking down the toilet paper aisle]
Spouse: Who’s talking? Who said that?
Me: Very funny, I get it. I need a tan.
[unhooks bra on 3rd try]
“Sir, please don’t touch the mannequins.”
do you like my signals
I mixed them myself
‘Sorry officer but how was I to know that weird noise my car was making was a bicycle stuck in my mudflap?’