Do angry tweeters know about prune juice?
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My bank just sent me an email starting with “we’re all in this together” and then told me my monthly fees are going up
Autocorrect says I am currently: all out of ducks to give, most of you are full of shot, twitter is overrun by aunts and life is a birch
If I took every USB cable I’ve ever owned and strung them end-to-end, I’d have a cable 34 miles long that I still couldn’t find when I needed it.
My kid: Why are you always TALKING and asking me to do stuff.
My husband: Get used to it kid.
Me to my husband: I knew you could hear me.
gimma back my stick frost man… 😖☃️
I just want to be rich enough to stop having to pretend that I’m getting work done
Waiter: and would you like mayonnaise on that?
Wife: Ew, gross.
Me: Why are you making your sex noises at him?
She didn’t understand so I took her hands & looked in her eyes & said “I know this is a Starbucks but I just want plain black coffee idiot.”
[sloth wedding]
“I”
[six months later]
“do.”
He died doing what he loved, rearranging the dishes in the dishwasher after I put them in.
I hate showing my baby pictures because everyone says “you were so cute” but there’s always the unspoken but implied “what happened”
Parental pro tip: Take your kids to the mattress store at the mall and skip the trampoline park.
One does not simply become a master of karate. First, you must accidentally walk into a spider web.
Cats are not as loyal as dogs are. But at least they won’t tell the police where the bodies are….
Teenagers are most fun when they’re asked to clean up the mess they’ve made themselves.
Holy shit you guys. Twitter works outside too.
watching silence of the lambs, when i saw it as a teenager it was obviously a film about a cannibal killer guy but watching it again now it’s about a woman being leered at by creepy guys from all angles except the psycho killer guy who is genuinely interested in her as a person
me, turning into a werewolf: get out of here. it’s not safe
girl: [holding a tennis ball behind back] i think i’ll b fine lmao
Maybe next year… ☔️
#GreatBritishSummer #Rain
*kissing on small couch*
Her: We should have a threes-
Me: I’ll call Karen
Her: …three-seater. Karen?
Me: I believe Karen sells furniture
Hell hath no fury like a toddler that’s trying to sneak up on you but you don’t realize they’re trying to sneak up on you so you say hi which makes them go apeshit & then you have to act like you did not in fact see them but you both know the truth and oh god how is this my life
What kind of doctor fixes broken websites? A URLogist.
I bet characters in science fiction novels get annoyed when they read all the feast scenes in fantasy books. “Why do they get cakes and mutton and we’re stuck with instant noodles and nutrient paste?”
My boss says I’m not allowed to begin work emails saying “listen, you stupid f****rs” anymore
universe: you deserve a break
me: wow thanks
universe: *winks*
me: *tumbles down the stairs*
5 Stages of Girl Scout Cookie Season:
1. Denial
2. Anger
3. Bargaining
4. Depression
5. 436 boxes of Thin Mints
Dating is a win-win. If things go well, you eat food and fall in love. If they don’t, you still eat food and that’s all that really matters.
“Just so you know, you’re coming home with me tonight.” I whisper to all the leftover food on the table from our dinner date.
realizing i have to deal with the consequences of my actions
careful fellas!
when you text a girl, you also text like 7 of her other friends.