Do any ear experts follow me? I clean my ears like once a week and it always looks like someone makes toffee in there. My question is this: is that toffee
You Might Also Like
Dad, did you let the parrot name me?
– Haha, no that’s ridiculous, Brock.
Jokes on all you idiots hoarding toilet paper, I’ve been hoarding fast food napkins FOREVER so I am SET.
When I saw her eating a whole chicken like it was corn on the cob, I knew she was the one for me.
Drunk at 20: “I’m going to call my ex.”
Drunk at 30: “I’m going to tweet my MP.”
It’s one thing to get a golf tee stuck in a nostril. Shit happens. But if you’ve got a golf tee in each nostril, that’s a pattern. Wake up.
listen *drags cigarette* you don’t wanna tweet, kid *exhales* we already did all the jokes
A plastic surgery slogan:
Because You Don’t Have A Good Personality Either
I asked my 5-year-old what she was on because she was having such a good time wiggling and being weird. She looked at me like she finally met the dumbest person in the world, “the couch.”
If you know shes had a bad day just ask her how she is doing. Then when shes talking you can think of a good tweet that makes fun of her day
Let’s be honest, you don’t ”watch” tv, you use it as a backround echo creating machine like the rest of us
I’m smoking about a pack of Canadian Wildfires a day
fleetwood mac implies the existence of fleetwood dennis, fleetwood charlie, fleetwood dee, and fleetwood frank
You don’t need to wear clothes in public if you can run fast enough.
weird to have so little faith in humanity nowadays that a guy could be hurling Molotov cocktails at me from his car and I’d be ok with it if he’s using his turn signals
Doctor *as I wake up after an accident* I’m afraid your body’s in a terrible condition
Me: oh no
Doctor: and then you were in an accident
Thanks for sharing your moon with me on Instagram. We don’t have a moon where I live.
[the next jurassic park movie]
ATTENDANT: Oh no the dinosaurs have escaped again!
ME: Why do people keep coming here…?
Birds are dinosaurs? No. I want dinosaurs here or I want them completely gone. I don’t need a bullshit imitation dinosaur to shit on my car.
I want to marry somebody as funny as me. Imagine we both laughing because we forgot to pick the kids up from school
Think I accidentally left a ‘do not disturb’ sign on my personality and haven’t had a ‘good morning’ message since 2020
[waking from 10 yr coma] Where am I?
“Don’t worry. You’re home in America”
But…I’m Swedish!
“World Emperor Trump will explain everything”
2-year-old: The dog tastes like dirt.
Me: Don’t lick the dog.
2: He licked me first.
Him: Going to Taco Bell, want anything?
Me: I’m just thirsty
Him: What do you want?
Me: Six tacos and a burrito
I’ll take your LEAST sexual soup.
Yes I am a water sign and pancake mix is mostly water and thus I am a pancake sign
Judges are so childish. Oh, you’re angry so you’re going to slam your little hammer on the table?
Grow up
it was easy to be a drug dealer in the 60s because dogs weren’t invented until 1978
My dog reacts to the vacuum cleaner the same way I react when my wife says “We need to talk”.
me: i can’t remember my password
my brain: how about an embarrassing memory