Do as I scooby say, not as I scooby doo.
*me to my dog.
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I hate to brag but strangers were spraying me with Lysol before this all started.
Open heart surgery? No, just rip it out.
Drummer’s pissed because the guys in the band say drums aren’t a real instrument. He says, “I’ll show them–give me the red cornet and the accordion.”
Instrument store guy says, “Well you can have the fire extinguisher, but the radiator has to stay.”
When I worked at Olive Garden I once had a man get really mad at me because the red sauce was made with tomatoes and that’s basically what it’s like having kids
I live in fear of my kids going outside when it’s raining, because they could get wet and multiply.
guy about to invent alarm clocks: i wish waking up early was worse
“How old are you” Fine thanks, how old are you
If you’re curious what the priciest item in a store is just bring a kid along because they’ll definitely find then break it
When dogs suddenly stop licking themselves and stare into the distance, they’re thinking, “Shit. Did I leave the iron on?”
It’s not a walk of shame if you leave on a pogo stick.
Wife: We’re supposed to get 8-10 inches tonight. Me: That’s what she said. Wife: Can’t you do any better than that? Me: That’s what she said
Me: …. Dog: … Me: …. Dog: … Me: … Dog: … Me: …. Dog: … Me: … Dog: … Me: … Dog: have the shrooms kicked-in yet? Me: ..
when someone compliments me
science teacher: scorpions have 10 to 12 eyes
kid (taking notes) s-c-o-r-p-i-i-i-i-i-i-i-i-i-i-i-i-I-o-n which is it? 10 or 12?
Him: That’s a bitter pill to swallow
Her: Well, you did just eat a dishwasher tablet
Umbrage is like regular brage, but um…
My wife was shocked when she found out I was a bad electrician.
Believe me, I looked.
But I couldn’t find a single Valentine’s card that said “You’re a nice guy, but I don’t want to go on a third date.”
Relationship Status:
Got put in the friend zone by a succubus playing around on a Ouija board.
I can’t even get lucky in the spirit world.
I just learned that there’s a porn genre that involves being fucked and fed junk food at the same time so I guess this is “goodbye.”
“I think that kid’s a robot”
What?
“Look at his mouth”
Relax they’re just braces
*backs away slowly*
“That’s exactly what a robot would say”
INTERVIEWER: And you know how to operate a forklift?
ME: Yah, that’s how I eat pal
I’m at my most Disney Princess when I fight with my stepfamily before drunkenly losing my shoe at a party.
Ok, it’s nearly 3.30 am here, someone give me some good sleeping tips! If I don’t answer you know they’ve worked!
Any 4 pics of Alan Rickman together looks like an amazing 80’s new wave band you wish existed.
I’m not buying it that each village only had one idiot
Fun With Magnets: Monday Edition
“Why don’t you have kids yet?” is a great question, ma’am, but I’m saving that conversation for the right total stranger at this gym.
Me, when there’s an errand that lets me leave the house when everyone is acting crazy:
My 13yo’s school supply list had “Trapper Keeper” on it. I thought I was going to have to time travel back to the 80s to grab one until I saw Target had already done that for me and had a few on their shelf.