Do as I scooby say, not as I scooby doo.
*me to my dog.
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If two creepy eels slither up to you and promise to solve all your problems and make your dreams come true, be skeptical. That’s all I’m saying.
“Tell me about yourself”
Well, I’m a Canadian-
“Oh yeah? Tell me a joke funnyman”
The subtext of Moby Dick, The Rime of the Ancient Mariner, and most of Conrad is that you should never make eye contact with a retired sailor because he’s just waiting to tell you some interminable story about his time at sea.
do u think karl marx was a marxist bc of his last name or was it just a coincidence
I’d pay someone to push me out of pictures when I’m drunk.
Me: *laughing in the face of danger*
Danger: *kills me*
Dating a beekeeper would be stressful because if they called you “honey,” you wouldn’t know if they were being romantic or if they were just thinking about work again.
Proofreading services too expensive? Try proof skimming! For only $10, I’ll flip through your book and say “yeah, whatever, it’s probably fine.”
[at the running of the bulls]
ME: imma try to pet ’em
*puts tiny glases on my pet owl*
*puts tiny lab coat on my pet owl*
*puts tiny stethoscope on my pet owl*
ha ha doctor who
Cashier: Have a great day
[goes to cashier’s home in the evening}
Me: I have bad news
Want to get really stoned? Commit adultery in Iran.
[furious with son]
wife: what happened?
me: he talks back to me and is insulting me in Spanish
[son from room] yolo isn’t spanish
me: ya see
God bless the parents who volunteer to coach kids sports because I spent 8 minutes trying to teach just my kid a good batting stance and wanted to torch the whole softball field.
The problem with studying ancient Chinese art is I want some Mexican art a half an hour later.
Have kids so you can start your day with questions like, “mom, why do people clean toilets?”
Twitter is a good place to meet men. The odds are good but the goods are odd.
I can take 15 years off my appearance by stealing your glasses.
Turns out I wasn’t in narnia, I was in my dishwasher high on bath salts
Can everyone please turn their A/C off during the day we need that power to generate images of people with eight fingers.
I want to be in a heavy metal band just so I can scream terrible things at crowds of people and not be accused of having PMS.
Life doesn’t do much to prepare you for when a coworker gets bangs and asks what you think of her hair.
No matter who wins this election, there’s still only a 50% chance that the ice cream machine at McDonalds will be working.
Me accepting an Oscar: and I’d like to thank the designer who made my beautiful gown: the 5 rats who live in the alley behind my house. Not magical rats that can talk or sing, just a normal regular buncha rats – STOP PLAYING THE MUSIC I’M NOT FINISHED
FRIEND: it’s a strange time to be alive
ME: *looks at watch*
ah yes, 6:30
(in dog boss’ office)
“Smith, you’re fired.”
Fine. I guess I’ll just WALK out…
(boss’ tail starts wagging)
“Wait Smith get back here”
This bloke knocked on my door and asked me if I’ve considered an alternative energy supplier.
I said, ‘No thanks, I’m quite happy with food.’
I started cooking dinner, and my 7yo paused in her playing, gave me a hard side eye, and opened the window in anticipation of smoke. That burn is worse than anything I could do to the food, y’all.
We built this community from the ground up as opposed to choosing a point in the air and building downwards from there.