Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I dreamt I was turning into a
t-rex. A tiny part of me tried to fight it

Welcome back to another episode of Did I Close the Ziplock Bag Properly?

I still remember the childhood pain of having to wear a sweater over my Halloween costume, so don’t say I don’t know tragedy.

it’s the silliest best thing

It’s easy to watch movies on this plane! Just download our app, set your phone to airplane mode, turn on your wifi, select our wifi, go to our website, enter in the special key, add a photo of your driver’s license, enter your social security number twice, give us your first born.

This Xmas, remember there are people less fortunate than you. People who can’t sleep diagonal, people sharing a bed, people who are married.

I need money in a hurry. How quickly does lotto pay out? Also, what are the winning numbers?

He was a koi.

She was a squirrel.

Can I make it any less obvious?

Fun Fact:

Organic milk only comes from cows that do yoga and moo about being a vegetarian or marathons they were in.

i hate daylight savings. it’s gonna take me weeks to stop writing the wrong time on my checks.

I like to test the waters by pushing people in.😁

When I say I’m not like other girls, I mean that I don’t mind bugs or dirt. Otherwise I am exactly like other girls, and yes, I’m still mad about that thing you said in August of 2009.

My friends wanted to do an escape room, but I was worried it might eat up a lot of time, so, in order to encourage creativity, I ate a lot of beans, cabbage, and cheap beer for the two days beforehand.
We set a new record.

Left
Right
Left
Left-er
Quick right
Squeee!
Left
Up
Down
Left
Right
Squeee!
Right
Up

– squirrels

Wrapping presents takes a LOT longer when your kid sneaks up behind you & cuts off your arm with an empty wrapping paper tube lightsaber.

How do you milk an almond?

We’re starting this social distancing thing as a family of six but given how everyone is getting along on day one, we might end up a family of four.

replaced my gf’s couch with a trampoline and man she hit the roof

I was reading a book with my 7yo where a teacher was getting married and INVITED ALL HER STUDENTS and then the students started SECRETLY PLANNING THE WEDDING to help out and I was so stressed out like “wtf, how is this gonna pan out, these kids don’t know how to hire a band”

My son asked Alexa to play The Imperial March, and it synced with my 3yo storming away after her tantrum. It was the most beautiful thing I’ve ever seen.

Sorry kids, no visiting the chocolate factory till you finish your tour of the slaughterhouse

My 3yo instructed me to be the monster at the park but just as I was about to grab her she shouted “hey monster, it’s lunch time!” so I’m super impressed with her survival skills

“Here, throw this away for me.” ~ People who hand out leaflets.

Yeah I lift. How many reps will it take to get to the bottom of this bag of chips? Let’s find out

Accidentally activated “vacation dad” by telling my husband there is construction on our way to the airport…we are now leaving at 3 am for a 5 pm flight. We live 20 mins away.

The Exorcist (1973): a child is possessed by a demon. Hilarity ensues.

[Spelling bee]
Judge: “Your word is unhelpful.”
Kid: “Can you use it in a sentence please?”
Judge: “Nope.”

8yo: Do we have a fire extinguisher?
Me: Yes.
8yo: Where?
Me:…
8yo: WHERE!
6yo: (from outside) It’s spreading.
Me: I’m up.

My fiancée loves to say she’s color blind, yet anytime starbursts are being eaten in the car I get passed the orange and yellow

As a rule, if the number of genders allowed to drive in your country is less than two, you live in an awful country.