do beavers even know what they’re doing or do they just see water flowing down a river and think “absolutely not”
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ugh fine
…i guess since i’m a
pisces i’ll marry aquaman
I’m not afraid of dying. I’m afraid of ending up in a nursing home with a roommate who has Justin Bieber posters and Twilight shirts.
Hear me out, a Barbie whose hair color changes to gray everytime a child screams.
It’s illegal to play pop music on a hot air balloon.
Kids born in the years 2000 and after will never know the struggle of learning their birthdays in French like we did
2000: deux mille
2001: deux mille un1997: mille neuf cent quatre-vingt dix-sept
Ha, I told my brother that carbon had seven protons and he believed me. He was mean to me when we were kids.
Forget the fire jugglers and sword swallowers, the most hazardous job at a carnival is guessing the age and weight of women.
Me: Did you get my RSVP to your open bar?
Friend: You mean my wedding?
Me: Yeah, sure!
A woman at the gym is wearing a shirt that says “oh my quad Becky look at those squats”
asked my therapist who their therapist was and went to see them. asked them the same thing until i got to the final boss therapist and defeated them with my trainwreck of a life
I already told you Mom I’m NOT high and I’ll be home at 10:70
If your girl can fold a fitted sheet, she probably has a good recipe for a spell using newts
When a woman asks you to smell something, it usually smells good.
Men on the other hand…
Oddly specific
her: what’s up
me: i’m just driving
her: cool where
me: in the front seat
her: no i mean what location
me: driver’s side
I spend so much time and resources making stand up clips and then my gf was like do this TikTok trend and now it has more views than my last 14 videos combined
Scientists have recently discovered that Rhino horns are radioactive “I wouldn’t touch ’em if I was a poacher” said 1 massive grey scientist
You’re all arguing about what color the dress is… While I’m having sex with the girl who took it off.
[screaming from my front porch] You teens get off my lawn and register to vote!
No sound cuts through the ambiance of a fine dining restaurant quite like the unmistakable noise of my wallet being unvelcroed
Well that tweet went over like a tuna fish milkshake.
The voices are having a huge argument tonight, I’m just hoping to fall asleep before the rational one drags me into it.
My daughter can open just about any front door using a credit card, so your kids honor roll certificate seems a little useless right now.
I think the implication that you might want to share your Kit Kat with 3 friends seems unreasonable.
Me *secures my kid’s seat belt*
My kid: Are we there yet?
[bartender hands lady drink] courtesy of the gentleman down there
[she takes a sip] is this –
[me from the end of the bar] IT’S MILK
I hate when I think someone’s funny, and then they tweet a joke I saw on a baby onesie advertised on instagram. you tricked me
I just told my wife it took her longer to pick a Netflix movie than it took me to pick out her engagement ring and that was a bad analogy.
The afternoons I spent on my hair.
Franz Kafka, 1912.
[clenching fists] “I’ll fight someone”
Waiter: For the last time sir, ‘cheese plate’ describes the items on the plate not the plate itself