Do bodybuilding exterminators have better traps?
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I’m just one bad financial decision away from a flip phone.
I like long walks away from everyone
Pumpkin spice season comes earlier every year and yet some still deny climate change.
(my date twirling her hair)
“Can I use your bathroom quick?”
Absolutely, gorgeous.
*hears the longest fart ever as she closes the door*
[dollar store]
Me: I would like 700 dollars, please
To All The Boys I’ve Loved Before They Decided I’m A “Good Friend”
BEACH BODY TIP: if you find a body on the beach call the police immediately, don’t team up with a hilarious old woman from out of town to solve the crime.
If I could be any animal I’d pick a turtle, strictly for the chance, however slight, I could be turned into a ninja.
*Password must be hard to guess*
New Password: H0neyWhatDoYouWantForDinner?
“A wine please”
“Sir, this is McDonalds…”
“Okay, a McWine please”
8:23am: *calls mom, no answer*
8:57am: *calls mom, no answer*
9:12am: *calls mom, no answer*
9:26am: *calls mom, no answer*
9:27am: *takes a shower*
9:33am: *27 missed calls from mom*
9:34am: *calls mom, no answer*
My dentist reminded me of my wife’s sensitive gag reflex. We laughed & laughed.
Then I remembered that my wife & I have different dentists.
My rap name is When i$ Lunch
My friend uses ‘supossebly’ and I never correct her. I like her irregardless.
“The toilet’s blocked pretty bad so I called the plumber. Should be here later tod-”
[Bowser spits coffee]
“Which plumber?”
There’s a button on this hotel phone that says, “Pizza”.
I may never leave.
[Soldiers regrouping]
Where’s Jim?
He went M.I.A.
*Cut to Jim*
♫ All I wanna do
*bang bang bang bang*
*reloading noise*
And shoot enemies ♫
Everyone needs to leave Twitter right now.
A pipe burst.
interviewer: where do you see yourself in five years
me: you handing me an nda and a big pay out to walk away
It might look like I’m doing nothing, but at the cellular level I’m quite busy.
All spots are cat’s spot. This was clearly established in the Supreme Court case of Fits v. Sits.
*coworker stares at me as I unpack lunch*
Me: leave
CW: why?
Me: I’m never bringing a banana to work again, okay Todd!?!?
Make a first date less awkward by licking all their food and then handing it back. See? Now you’ve already shared germs. Anything else should be easy peasy.
I keep my friends clothes and my enemies toaster.
As a result, they’re now all my enemies, but they’re naked & having cereal for brekkie.
looking for someone who loves me as much as some people love standing up the second a plane lands.
What is the appropriate age to tell your child that you’ve given up on them?
I found the felon who is responsible for your lost socks. Already convicted of other crimes. It’s the fitted sheet. You’re welcome
[Job Interview]
How would you describe your time management skills?
Me: Can we talk about this later? I’m late for an appointment.
“Where was you at?”
I was probably not skipping English class.
A shampoo bottle upside-down in the shower is basically your low-fluid indicator light.