Do bodybuilding exterminators have better traps?
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Friend from college: Hey! You remember that time…
Me: No
At the intermission of musicals there should be a very short football game
She says talking to me is like talking to a kid.
Therapist: And how many years has this been going on?
*holds up 6 fingers* This many
Hey morons, when in doubt, just spell it “theiyr’re.”
8: I wrote my list for Santa
Me: aren’t you going to ask how he is before you launch into your list of demands?
8: P.S. so…. how’s it going?
Me: perfect
In honor of Charles Dickens I will also be poor this Christmas
middle school in the ’90s
The spouse with the most blanket in the morning is the undercover boss.
in today’s fast-paced world we simply don’t have time for CEOs to be visited by three Christmas ghosts
I’m not saying four kids is too many, I’m just saying it would be kind of cool if I could melt them all down to form one kid, that’s all.
I’ve failed the “I am not a robot” captchas so often the robots have started including me in their World Domination chat rooms and bake sales.
I FREAKING SWEAR!! IF I HAVE TO TELL YOU ONE MORE TIME WHAT AN EASY-GOING, PATIENT, AND CHILL PERSON I AM, I’M GONNA LOSE IT!!!!
Today I nearly met my end!…it was in a yoga class.
What made this morning’s trip to the bathroom interesting is that I don’t actually own a cat.
like u make the diseases or are against them ?
I absolutely hate being woken from a nap. There were other treadmills in the gym that dude could have used.
It’s that time of year when the neighbors start longing for winter days because they’re tired of seeing me at the mailbox in my drawers.
My dogs: OMG MOM IS DOING STUFF!! WOOOO!! GET HER!!
Me: (just getting off the couch to go to the bathroom)
If you don’t have any friends who have covid right now you’re blessed or you probably don’t have friends
This meme is a joke but also life-changing advice if taken to heart
funeral catering business:
your loss, our gain
[sex in car]
ME: Remember when you could do this without fear of strangers watching?
BF: Yes
UBER DRIVER: Would you like a water?
Gollum is like, “actually this is my emotional support precious.”
If your kids are playing and it gets totally quiet, then you hear one say “you’re okay, you’re okay,” they are definitely NOT okay.
Some coworkers sign emails with “cheers” or “sincerely” followed by their names but I typically use “you’ve made a powerful enemy today.”
Life is stupid. You can ACCIDENTALLY make a baby but you can’t ACCIDENTALLY make a cake.
If someone asked me to describe myself in one word, I’d say, “nope.”
divorced parents be meeting at store parking lots exchanging they kids like it’s a drug deal. 😭
Me: (slightly intoxicated ) I don’t think our cat understands me at all.
16: Mom, put the guinea pig back in his cage please. You’re scaring him.
Police dogs are fine but we need a few crime dogs to even things up