Do bodybuilding exterminators have better traps?
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“Plagiarism Squad reporting for duty.” / “Copy that.”
Her: Wanna “lex” tonight?
Him: What’s that?
Her: Lazy sex.
Him: What do we do?
Her: Lay in bed and send each other Huffington Post articles.
911: whats the emergency?
∞: hi, i am 8. i have fallen and can’t get up.
WHAT I SAID:
Woah! You look like Tina Turner on meth.WHAT I SHOULD’VE SAID:
Good Morning Honey.
Just think, there is coming an entire generation of idiots who will wonder: “Why did they have a hashtag button on landline phones?”
He is on that bird call website a lot.
– My Mom describing me on twitter to older relatives at get-togethers.
Exes really text you out of nowhere like bro didn’t you cheat on me
Now that I’ve removed my windshield wipers I shouldn’t be getting anymore parking tickets.
Me: Alexa, make me a drink.
Her: Mom, that’s not my name and I think you’ve had enough.
In the Target toy aisles-
“No, please put that back”
“I said we aren’t buying anything today”
“You already have dozens of Nerf guns at home!”
– and that’s just me to my husband
I always take my kids on vacation during drug awareness week…because there’s just some things they should learn from their dad.
If I ever meet you and you don’t look anything like your avi,you’re buying drinks for me until you do
Little Drummer boy: I have no gifts to bring
Mary: thats ok
Little Drummer Boy: I am a poor boy too
Mary: 🙂
Jesus: *sleeping*
Little Drummer boy: just gonna bang TF outta these drums tho
Joseph: if you wake him up i swear to god
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Fun prank. Tell your bf you’re getting your hair done. Leave. Don’t get your hair done. When you come back & he says it looks great stab him
Why don’t we raise more chickens that lay Cadbury Creme Eggs so we can have them year-round?
Car Salesman: This baby gets 26mpg and check out this nice interior!
Me: *placing several hot dogs in the cup holder* It’s not bad
Me: “Breath mint?”
Her: “Sure.”
M: “Don’t mean to offend.”
H: “None taken.”
M: “Great. Good to hear. Care for a push up bra?”
Finally, my winter fat is gone… now I have spring rolls
They got a point!
[Christopher Columbus arriving in Hell]
Columbus: I’m the first person here! I discovered this!
Im tired of being politically correct. If I want to wish someone a Happy Honda Days, I’m gonna do it. I don’t care what they drive, that’s their problem
her: what do you want?
me: to pay for my sins
her: this is a McDonald’s drive thru
me: I mean to pay for my McSins
Mo’ money mo’ problems might be true, but I’d still like to find out for myself.
there are some wounds only potatoes can heal
Person: I really DO want your honest advice
Me: NO you don’t
P: I DO
Me: I’m your friend. What I think doesn’t matter. He’s your husband. Sit down like 2 grown ass adults & have a conversation. Tell HIM not me & y’all work it out
P: *pause* Um, what’s your less honest advice?
My husband isn’t drinking while he trains for a marathon. There’s all this pressure on me to be supportive, so, reluctantly, I’m now drinking for both of us.
Establish dominance on Halloween by eating your neighbor’s jack-o-lanterns.
Why are we wasting time on all these “beware of dog” signs?
I’ve never met a cat that wasn’t obviously plotting to kill somebody…