do british flat earthers say the world is apartment?
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“Gary give me the gun”
“I thought you had it”
“I TOLD you to bring it”
“I didn’t”
“who brought the getaway car?”
-Disorganized crime
When someone cries, “No one gets me”
I immediately snatch them and put them in my trunk and yell, “I got you”!
recruiter: u should join the army
octopus: buddy I’m army enough as it is
“When I was a child, I talked like a child, I thought like a child, I reasoned like a child. When I became a man, I did those things online”
Men pick a hairstyle at 15 and call it good until baldness or death.
A friend and I just decided that in 10 years if we aren’t married we will tell each other what’s honestly wrong about ourselves.
If Adrian Peterson is getting indicted for spanking his kid with a stick my mom should get the electric chair.
*kids walking
Me: Come on, boys! We have to hurry!
Kids: Okay!
*continue walking at exactly the same pace
NATE (naive): Want to share a pickle with me? Oh wait, I don’t have a knife.
ME (has seen Lady and the Tramp): Don’t even worry, pal.
me: [unlocking door] id better warn you, im a bit of a hoarder
her: lol like what
me: well, most of its grandmas
her: [struggling to wade through hundreds of old women] i see
I don’t know who needs to hear this but if you have a flock of sheep that’s having trouble with foxes/dogs get an alpaca. The alpaca will happy join the flock as a ‘long sheep’ and will kick the shit out of anyone who messes with its gang.
Source: grew up on a farm.
By today’s standards the butts in Sir Mix-a-Lot’s video weren’t really that big.
He liked medium butts.
So he lied.
Butter my backside and call me a biscuit.
Time traveler from the past: *disgusted* You haven’t ended hunger or war or poverty but you have a phone in your pocket with a camera?
Me: No… it has two cameras.
.. do you even science?
I wonder what the girl who dumped me in high school would say now that I’m exactly the same but older
Me: Then the robber came through the door holding a gun
Cop: Was it a revolver?
Me: No he just pushed it open and walked through like normal
just poured dr pepper on my face like i didn’t know where my mouth was.
In an effort to demonstrate how pointless internet debates are, please prove to me that snow is real
netflix subtitles be like (speaking foreign language) bro translate it
When I tell a joke that doesn’t land, I follow up with a worse one to make my audience realize how good they had it with the first joke.
I took the PBJ out a couple of times, but things got stale, my relationship with the milk soured quickly, and I wouldn’t really call what that bagel and I did “dating.”
If you want your kid to play with their toy just give it to your other kid. Follow me for more parenting hacks.
Just waiting to hear those three special words… “there’s no evidence.”
“So how did you two meet?”
“Unfortunately.”
[second day of ninja training]
“Glad to see you’re all taking this more seriously. All except you, Glen. The tap shoes and air horn are, to say the least, antithetical, to what we’re doing here.”
Missing the good old days when McRib was always back and everyone got a free kitten to hold on the bus if they promised to behave
My favorite part about sci-fi movies is when all aliens and people from other worlds only speak English
This has made my week.