do british flat earthers say the world is apartment?
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You have tattoos and curves?
*unbuttons pants*
You’re also batshit crazy?
*takes off pants*
You listen to Paramore?
*puts on clothes*
I’m not saying my 6yo is dramatic, I’m just saying we heard a severe thunderstorm warning on the car radio, and he groaned and said ugh why does my day keep getting worse
Prank Idea: Toss some red laundry in the ocean and turn the great white sharks into the great pink sharks.
(loudly in my apartment in case there’s a murderer here) I love murderers
never thought I’d have to tell someone STOP LICKING YOUR RASH but then I had children
Gabriel “Really? That’s how you want humans to reproduce?”
God “Trust me. It will be hilarious.”
[Last day of school for the year]
Kids: Yay!
Parents: [checking to see when first day of school is]
this is what they would have looked like, though
When my wife says “Guess what today is.”
Wow, it’s a beautiful day outside. I should probably do something.
*closes the blinds so there isn’t a glare on my screen*~ Developers
Me: My ex had a problem. He was constantly nauseous.
Friend: Actually that word is often used incorrectly. “Nauseated” describes feeling queasy. “Nauseous” means the person causes a feeling of sickness.
Me: I stand by what I said.
My coworker just told me this funny joke.
A web developer and an SEO expert walk into a bar, bars, nightclub, pubs, tavern, beer, alcohol, drinks, alcoholic beverages, bars in my area, places to drink.
Way back when, I thought technology would look more like flying cars and less like me yelling “The laptop’s not a touch screen,” at my kids.
INTERVIEWER: What would you say is your main strength?
ME: I think it’s pretty obvious
INTERVIEWER: Right… And you made that ninja turtle costume at-
ME: At home. Yes
My daughter asked me to play Highway to Hell by AC/DC because I was driving them to school. Parenting win I guess.
Instead of getting any work done on my face, I’m just going to pull my hair back into a really tight ponytail.
It’s actually a little-known fact: Jesus drives a Honda Accord.
Apologies for the delays. The suitcase smashing machine has broken down, so we’re having to smash suitcases by hand.
[commercial for soup]
Have you ever wanted to eat regular food only with water poured all over it?
NARRATOR: SOUP
[taking pregnant wife to hospital ER]
Me: Help! My wife’s having contradictions!
Dr: Don’t you mean contractions?
Wife: Never say never
[starbucks]
me: can i take some wifi home with me?
barista: um. sure(?)
me: [holds tupperware container in the air & closes lid] thanks.
paramedic arriving on the scene: oh my god his face is totally disfigured
me: [only hurt my leg] what
My kids just introduced themselves as “Let’s Go” and “We’re Late”
Finally
I wasn’t agreeing, I was nodding off.
The chicken coup is unlocked!
“Don’t you mean the chicken coop?”
*Watches chickens carrying machine guns overthrow the farm*
No, Snowball
pharmacy child-safety bottles have gone so far that i just have to swallow the bottle whole and hope my stomach knows what to do
The package says “Do not eat raw cookie dough” but all I really see is “Pillsbury hates you and doesn’t want you to be happy.”
I have a bumper sticker that says “Honk if you think I’m sexy!” Then I just sit at green lights until I feel better about myself!