do british flat earthers say the world is apartment?
You Might Also Like
Dishonest mechanic?
Don’t tell me I don’t know about sacrifice. I mix the ends of cereals into one bowl so my family can open new boxes. Without my appetite for disgusting mixtures, they’d fall apart.
Yesterday, I accidentally swallowed some food coloring.
The doctor says I’m okay, but I feel like I’ve dyed a little inside.
My plant is drunk, it’s growing in the wrong direction.
DTF (Down time finally)
-mom’s everywhere
Me: My husband and I have a wonderful relationship
2020 *evil laugh*: Try teleworking from the same room for 8 months, then we’ll talk
Sometimes u see the moon during the day and it’s like, wow, how embarrassing. Showed up early because you were bored? Get a life, nerd moon.
Her: My husband is having an affair!
Me: Really? Who’s catering?
They said no texting while driving but they never said anything about giving four ferrets a nice bubble bath
as someone who lives on earth rising sea levels are alarming. But as someone who has always wanted to be a mermaid? I’m intrigued
Worst ways to die
1. Burned alive
2. Suffocate
3. Die from frustration teaching your child to blow their nose
Did it hurt? When you saw the candy you bought yesterday going half price
I made popcorn.
Teen smelled popcorn.
I no longer have popcorn.
Cinderella is my favorite story of a guy who couldn’t remember what the love of his life looked like.
“Go big or go home” bro that’s literally the easiest decision of my entire life
What’s that, Lassie? Where’s Timmy? The butcher’s? I hope you’re right this time, gal, there was no sign of him at the dog run or frisbee store.
Hey girl, are you pineapple on pizza because a lot of people say you are disgusting but I kind of like you?
Me: how many bears do you think we could fight as a family
Wife: none you idiot
Me: oh
*growling from closet*
Wife: WHAT HAVE YOU DONE??
[ Police interrogation room ]
Perp: I ain’t telling you shit.
Bad cop: We have ways to make a smooth criminal talk.
Thriller cop: You look like a pretty young thing.
Perp: I moisturize. Still ain’t telling you shit.
*crashes through ceiling into kitchen*
Wife:You were doing karate in the attic again weren’t you
Me:*panting* No *nunchucks hit me in face*
Buying more laundry baskets so I can avoid doing the laundry
I like to reassure my wife that even though I don’t have big muscles she is always safe with me cause I’m a really loud screamer.
Just once I would like to hear an athlete thank God for their talent and their pharmacist for everything God left out.
NOO THERES A MOSQUITO IN MY ROOM AND IT WANTS ME. BAD
Moves shopping cart to allow car to park
Lady doesn’t even say thanks
Puts cart back behind her car
Leaves.
I lit candles & put a trail of rose petals all over the house in confusing patterns so my husband can’t find me drinking in the closet.
I didn’t choose this melted cheese and tortilla chip life, it na-chose me
The postman told me he’s off to Spain tomorrow so I asked was he going to Parcelona and he ignored what I believe to be my best joke of 2014
“Here mom, hold this.”
Translation: I own you now.