do british taxpayers realise how much money goes down the drain because james bond won’t take the bus
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*Sees girl trying to reach soup on top shelf*
“Here let me get that” I say [Beacuse I’m much taller]
*I put the soup in my cart & walk away*
Capitalism is controlled by an “invisible hand” that gives most people the invisible finger.
Hot chick without makeup: her beauty is so effortless & carefree
Me without makeup: why is that very sick grandma not in a home
Probably the worst thing about pyramid schemes is how they make you advertise to all your friends and family that you are part of a pyramid scheme.
How to cast a summoning spell to bring your children to you, wherever you are: Watch the first 44 minutes of a 51-minute-long murder mystery.
Apparently at some point in history, hotcakes sold quite briskly.
I was asked to babysit once but it didn’t go very well.
You’re not meant to sit on them.
If you see a guy in an executioner’s hood feeding a deer into a Coinstar today just let me do my thing.
Food that tastes nothing like its name:
egg roll
pineapple
hamster
Cashier: Have a great day
[goes to cashier’s home in the evening}
Me: I have bad news
Filming myself playing the violin like it’s a cello to catfish the giant community
And for my next trick, I’m going to make this first date the last date.
How do you know you been on your phone too much?
Reading an actual physical book earlier I looked up to the top of the page to see the time!
Waitress: need anything else?
Me: yes, a cup of black coffee.
W: and how would u like your coffee?
M: uhhh..black and in a cup?
The world is full of people who just need to hug a cactus.
Prince: Rapunzel, let down your hair.
Rapunzel: Hair, you’ll never be beautiful, you’ll always have split ends.
*hair is super let down*
Stop giving me dirty looks, lady. I wasn’t flirting with your husband. I was looking at his nachos.
If you watch Jeopardy backwards it’s about 3 idiots who pay a Canadian to answer a bunch of hidden questions.
“This is a masterpiece!”
“This, too is a masterpiece!”
“Another masterpiece!”My dog, to every blade of grass in the same yard every morning while I’m late for work.
Friend: Oh my God, I just can’t explain how he makes me feel. He just has this way with me. It’s just so…magical.
Me: You’re literally paying him for that and technically hypnosis is not magic.
This is probably going to sound really gay, but the sunset is GORGEOUS right now and I love making out with dudes.
sorry but who wants to search “price: high to low”
#StillHurts
Wife: I swear, it’s like you never even listen to me!!!
Me: Sounds great, Dear.
The pricier the food, the faster kids drop it on the floor
My son wants a new iPhone for Christmas and I’m having fond memories of when he couldn’t talk.
I identified a body yesterday.
“That’s a body!” I said.
Old age is nothing but a computer with 1000 GB of memory running on a celeron processor
[on a rollercoaster with my cat]
Me: Are you having fun, buddy?
Cat: *has already fallen out of the seat*
Date: What are you thinking about?
Me *wondering whether the guy in charge of ostriches calls himself the bosstrich* I was wondering whether the guy in charge of ostriches calls himself the bosstrich