Do cannibals just upload a bunch of pictures of their friends on Instagram?
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got banned from the sauna at my gym for saying “steam me up, scotty” a few too many times
I thought there would be a lot more happiness and sun in “The Shining.”
I NEVER WORE EARPLUGS TO CONCERTS WHEN I WAS IN HIGH SCHOOL AND I TURNED OUT FINE!
asbestos? I’m doing asbestos I can
Welcome to your 40s. Your ability to be sneaky will now be hindered by your bones cracking when you walk.
[getting out of prison after 10 years]
GUARD: *handing me a paper bag* here are ur things
ME: did none of u monsters feed my tamagotchi
“Camping” – noun:
when you create a late night picnic for the hungry animals in a field with you being the meaty snack
Any time 4 chases our cat, she says “don’t worry kitty! It’s only me!”
And every time, I resist the urge to say “yeah I think the cat knows.”
Parenthood has made me so mature.
The baby daddies on 16 & Pregnant/Teen Mom should be used to test air bags.
Been doing a lot of soul searching as of late and still have not found that darn thing.
In a movie, whenever someone gets fired they never have two boxes of belongings.
The court system could save a lot of money on psychological exams by reading Facebook posts to determine if a person is crazy.
How did the first person to read learn how to read?
*Sweeping the floor
Lower back: “Time to go out!”
Brain: “Wait, why? We’re not doing anything the least bit strenuous!”
Lower Back: “Dunno, we just gotta”
*cries hunchbackedly
the fondue…? you mean, my drinking cheese?
I booked a suite at a 5 star hotel and when my girlfriend arrived,on the bed spelled out in rose petals was “be right out,I’m taking a shit”
HER: I love the movie The Shining
ME: [trying to impress] same
HER: what’s ur favorite part
ME: [sweating] when it starts to shine
I’d be so much more successful if some of my ancestors had just married better.
“I don’t see things as half full or half empty. I try to be optimistic!”
-Me explaining to my husband why I ran out of gas.
Boom, boom, ching!
Just saw a touching BP commercial where BP congratulates BP for doing some of what BP was legally required to do after it wrecked the earth.
Twitter is like Michael Jackson’s nose, whenever they do something to it, it gets worse.
me: lmao i saw it on twitter
them: what’s your twitter
me: i don’t have twitter
[to an inflatable tube man waving outside a car dealership]
i feel like you’re overreacting. these are moderate savings at best
I dropped a bottle of ketchup on my foot yesterday…
it caused severe pain…
to… ma… toes…
There is no “I” in TEAM. But there is MEAT.
Delicious meat.
Asking your mom, “Will there be any pretty girls coming?”
Is a good way of getting out of going to your family reunion..
KID: where do babies come from
ME: [interrupts] and how do we stop that
If you’re a pilot with a man bun, I’m calling you Top Bun, and you can’t stop me.