Do cannibals just upload a bunch of pictures of their friends on Instagram?
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Me: yeah, I’m not going to make it in today.
Boss:of course, this snow is crazy.
Me: Snow?
Maybe women decided to convince men that beards were sexy because they were sick of cleaning the washbasin after he shaved
relationship goals
Me: *in the dentist chair*
Dentist: OK so whilst you have several instruments and half my belly in your mouth, I’m going to take the opportunity at this exact moment to ask about your holidays and I do expect a response.
Me: I don’t understand why I’m not losing weight.
Husband: Maybe it’s the 5,000 calories in gummies you eat every day.
Me: They’re vitamins!
If anything happens to me, please use my Netflix account until it stops listing recommendations “Because you watched Coneheads”
ME: OMG I love quizzes. Next question!
DETECTIVE: Where were you the night of murder?
Husband: How much Halloween candy should we get?
Me: We went through 2 pounds last year.
Husband: We didn’t have any trick-or-treaters last year.
Me: *death glare*
Me: How’s it going?
Coworker: Can’t complain.
Me: Try harder.
Coworker: Life is meaningless.
Me: Atta boy.
Every time a bell rings an angel gets its wings. It’s always the same angel. It’s covered in wings now and wants to die but can’t
“we serve breakfast all day” no you don’t, you serve eggs and pancakes for dinner, which is totally fine, but let’s not lie to ourselves
I’m going to get so many free clothes when the rapture comes.
There are usually two types of merchants.
i feel like so much miscommunication could be avoided if we all just stopped talking
I’m just not cool enough for a scooter, I moped.
*Toddler walks up, kisses my knee, turns away*
“Aw! Aren’t you sweet?”
*Toddler kisses refrigerator, cabinet door and dishwasher*
“Oh.”
I could have been a monk but I missed my chants
Well, the mechanic called. Apparently, in addition to a muffler, my car also needs a new car.
Me: pick and choose your battle.
My son: I choose every battle.
“No,” said the bus driver, not even taking an eye off the road. Feeling my face reddening with anger but not wanting to cause a wreck, I calmy repeated myself, “I need you to give me back my kazoo right now please.”
It’s one thing to get a golf tee stuck in a nostril. Shit happens. But if you’ve got a golf tee in each nostril, that’s a pattern. Wake up.
Worst part about going to work this morning was the look on my dog’s face that said “sucks for you, I’m going back to sleep”.
My ex just followed me on Twitter.
That said:
“Say hello to Hitler for me, Mary.”
*BLOCKED*
French guy (showing me his yachts): This is Un. This is Deux. This is Trois. This is Quatre. This is Six.
Me: Where’s the 5th?
FG: Cinq.
Them: You’ve changed.
Me: hmm doesn’t sound like something I’d do.
My obsession with building townhouses is going to give me a complex one of these days.
when dads have a rap battle
Had sex with a condom tonight.
Maybe next time it will be with a girl.
My wife does this cute thing now & then where she goes out shopping for next years yard sale items.