Do cannibals just upload a bunch of pictures of their friends on Instagram?
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To the person that stole my glasses.
I will find you, I have contacts.
No you shut up 😂🥳
The crows I feed every day attacked a UPS delivery guy that startled me so I guess I now have my own little squad of personal assassins.
You wouldn’t believe all of the Easter eggs I just found lying in the grass outside of this pre-school.
I like how the inventor of the word “though” was done after just 3 letters but just kept going.
While Taylor Swift’s boyfriends were exported overseas during the Trump years, only during Joe Biden’s administration were we able to bring this job back to the United States.
Saw a goth teenager walking a hyperactive chihuahua and if they can be friends, anyone can.
me: my new book is fantastic
friend: can i borrow it when you’re done?
me: you can’t color it in twice
Interviewer: and finally, why do you want to become a police officer.
Me: [thinking of all the awesome parties i’ll finally get called to] help the community obviously
You know that runny food on your plate that touches all the other food? That’s you, butting into a conversation.
You’re creamed corn.
If you steal my identity you better believe that it comes with 4 kids.
Me: *doesn’t get enough sleep, takes an afternoon nap to make up for it*
My body: well look what you did now we have to stay awake until 3
People who say ‘mayo’ instead of ‘mayonnaise’ live 12 years longer cos of all the time they save
Sorry I ate all your cake after you passed out and then drew your angry eyebrows on so you’d be ready to discuss it when you woke up.
This bloke knocked on my door and asked me if I’ve considered an alternative energy supplier.
I said, ‘No thanks, I’m quite happy with food.’
Kangaroo: SOMEONE TOOK MY BABY
911: try to remain calm
Kangaroo: PLEASE FIND MY…wait..
911: was it in your-
Kangaroo: it was in my pocket
I got all my coworkers condoms and bibles for Valentines Day because I’m praying they get laid
Is it wrong that I lied on my tinder profile about how many tusks I have?
“How’s your day going?”
Take my advice, I’m not using it.
Stop bragging about your workout pics. Do you see me post every box of donuts I eat.
HER: I wanna be your everything.
ME: That’s great, cause I need a therapist.
HER: No, not like-
ME: So doc *lays on couch* I feel like my girlfriend’s moving too fast.
ME: My favorite was always Raphael, but I liked Donatello a lot too
DATE: Aww so you were a big fan as a kid?
ME *pulling my credit card from my Ninja Turtles wallet*: Hmm?
Imagine being 5 minutes from the end of the longest movie ever & it starts over because it forgot something. That’s my kid telling a story.
They should make a drug that recreates the feeling of having your number called earlier than you expected at the DMV.
I made fun of a guy for still having a Nokia phone. He threw it at me and knocked me unconscious.
i like to try new things in the bedroom like getting a full 8 hours of sleep.
HOT LOCAL SINGLES IN YOUR AREA WANT YOUR CREDIT CARD NUMBER.
[at Hooters]
Me: you shouldn’t be working here. you’re a human being
Waitress: look, it’s my choi-
Me: -seriously, where are the owl waiters
“I knew the dame was trouble when she waltzed into my offfice with a green diamond floating over her head.”
My 5yo and 6yo are playing restaurant. My 6yo’s restaurant has a no baby policy. My 5yo has 5 babies and is very angry about this. She’s causing a whole scene at the restaurant. The babies are crying, it’s crazy. I’m trying my best not to get involved in this.