Do cannibals just upload a bunch of pictures of their friends on Instagram?
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A screensaver for my face when someone has been talking too long.
ME WHEN A NORMAL BUG IS ON ME: Eww.
ME WHEN A LADYBUG IS ON ME: Evening, Ma’am.
It is said the population of sheep in New Zealand is 60 Million.
How did they stay awake to figure THAT one out?
If like me you’ve ever been accused of being born in a barn and want to chat about it, remember, my door is always open.
Hi, I’m Megan. You may know me from such public encounters with kids as “No, YOUR face is stupid” and “I didn’t trip you, you fell”.
*picks up rotary phone*
Nine (ta-ta-ta-ta-ta-ta-ta-ta-ta)
One (ta)Murderer: Lol
[300 ferrets arrive at funfair]
“You sure about this?”
“I swear to fucken God, dude said there’s a 250ft ferrets wheel here somewhere.”
If you’re curious what the priciest item in a store is just bring a kid along because they’ll definitely find then break it
man…im so hungry i could-
*i catch eye contact with a horse*
“you could what?”
*shows his gun*
i could.. eat a sandwich
“thought so.”
Very problematic
Cashier: Smile!
Me: Worry about your own face.
A fun thing to do is scream “JENGA!” and yank a ladder out from under somebody.
me: [lays trail of petals directly to the bed] she’ll love this
midwife: she won’t
High Schools: Make sure your student gets plenty of sleep
Also High Schools: Bus comes at sunrise
Him: What’s your sign?
Me: Dollar
My bed hair is on point this morning. JK, I look like humans were designed by a mean toddler
I first experienced deep shame and humiliation when my mom told me I should probably start saying “train” instead of “choo-choo train” while I was still at the tender age of 27.
INTERVIEWER: Says here you have sloth-like reflexes?
ME: *calls interviewer 3 years later* That is correct.
I’ve become obsessed with the idea that Jesus was a terrible guitarist but no one told him to stop because they were afraid of his dad.
Stop talking trash about marine life!
Sharks are POWERFUL
Whales are GENTLE
Crabs are RESOURCEFUL
Jellyfish are PEACEFUL
Dolphins
Octopi are VERY SMART
dracula: I vant to suck ur blood
me: oh no
dracula: I will drain u completely
me:
dracula: I will suck u dry
me:
dracula: why do u keep giggling
WORKOUT GUY: Climbing stairs after leg day is the worst bro!
ME: My face hurts because I napped too hard on my face.
ME: I can’t find my glasses
SON: They’re on your head
ME: [beer spilling down my face] lmao not again
I forget ONE TIME and my wife changes all my passwords and sets the security question to: “When is your anniversary?”
Took Me Eleven Minutes to do That Thing I’ve Been Avoiding for Three Months: A Memoir
The Indian restaurant I work for is so secretive I had to sign a legal agreement that I wouldn’t share the flatbread recipe
Just their standard naan disclosure agreement
His Holiness the Dalai Lama invited you to play Candy Crush.
My Dad absolutely hated it when I left lights on in a room:
Him *flipping switch*
Up means on and down means off…OFF. See how neat that is?Me: And this is something that’s important to you?
He didn’t seem to be fond of smartass comments either.
DOCTOR: What’s the matter?
ME: I don’t know. Sometimes I feel like I’m a bad husband.
DOCTOR: I meant with your wife.
ME: Oh her water broke or something.
Harsh but fair