Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Artificial intelligence is gonna be so pissed when it finds out about depression

When someone says they worked like a dog, I’m envious because every dog I’ve ever known has done nothing all day long.

I don’t like people staring at me on a good day let alone when I’m naked in the Smithsonian with my mummy bandages removed.

It would be so much less cinematic if they remade The Crow but it was a movie called The Seagull and it’s just a guy who runs about screaming for no reason and steals people’s food.

3 is feeding 1 strawberries and calling him Baby Babe. It’s so sweet, I can almost forget he tried to lock him in the closet half an hour ago.

I’m now at an age where I can use phrases like ‘I’m now at an age.’

“Haha! That’s ridic-” Bill started to say, but his words trailed off as an heirloom sprang from behind a tree, sinking its fangs deep into his neck.

I have almost 500,000 miles on my office chair …. So I got that going for me.

Weird old lady in the elevator complimented my thongs. I was disgusted. Hours later that I realized she was talking about my sandals.

*tops off beautiful woman’s wine glass* But what if you could, Sharon, what if you could control the cat with a Nintendo Power Glove?

The X-Files will have 3 back to back episodes that are dead serious about elaborate conspiracies where anyone can be killed for knowing too much, and then the very next episode will be like “Scully there’s a dude I wanna check out who thinks he’s a goat”

My vegetarian sister discovered we were all in a separate group chat without her, sharing delicious food photos, called Secret Meat Up

i am disgusted by the physical act of handshaking. it is morally unacceptable that u cant just extend your arm and fist the wind

While the loss of Bruce Wayne’s parents was tragic, I’m grateful it happened decades ago and not in 2023 because he just would’ve become a true crime podcaster.

In 1999 this man was asked to reenact his recent lottery win for TV and ended up winning again on camera

me: 867-5309… and this is your REAL phone number?

her: yeah, sure

Couldn’t remember the word ‘ostrich’ earlier so I called it a giraffe chicken.

Only 90’s kids will remember this! *plays outside*

Someone goes back in time to the 2009 VMAs, gives Taylor Swift a taser to use on Kanye.… the timeline is forever changed! World peace, etc.

Anonymous just switched everyone in Isis from Amazon Prime shipping to basic shipping. Good luck getting Fallout 4 by Christmas terrorists!

WIFE: This chowder is beautifully creamy, the briney flavours complimented by the celery and onion, with the apple cider rum a perfect accompaniment.

CHEF: Thank you.

ME: *putting a cocktail sword in a mussel* Look Sharon. A clamurai

Oh good, I was hoping for a terrifying, fungus-related dystopian nightmare today

Ugh! You. Are. A. Terrible. Kisser.

If your looking for my tonsils, I had them taken out when I was 8…

[2045]

The national language is Yeet. Your daughter’s fiancé is a YouTuber whose legal name is Landon FTW.

“I don’t know why I’m always depressed” I think to myself as I stare at the glowing portal in my hand that streams a constant feed of horror

Stood in front of a dollar store and waited way too long for the *automatic* door to open before I realized my mistake.

Then I did it again on my way out. I can never go back there.

Her: I like Halloween too, but we’re not having kids just so you can get free candy once a year.

10 years of ninja training, and now all I use it for is to quietly unwrap candies when the kids are in the other room.