Do celebrities feel complimented when they’re called underrated? Like, you’re really good, just not enough people think so
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Facebook: your old HS friend just sent you a friend request
me: cool!
Facebook: she’s racist now
me: uhh
Facebook: everyone on here is
spending money is too easy, for my bank account’s sake i need a bridge troll to ask me three riddles before i buy something
Remember two years ago when we found out aliens exist but were too busy fighting over toilet paper to care? Good times.
Me too 😆
Me: “Did you hit your little sister?”
3-year-old: “No, the ball did.”
Me: “Did you throw the ball?”
3: “No, my bat did.”
*staring at a ripped hoodie from 2002*
*glances over at a pile of new hoodies*
Me: Yep, time to stitch you up again, little buddy.
{job interview}
Dog Boss: what would you say your biggest weakness is?
Me: I don’t know, I guess I can get really petty
Dog Boss: *excited tail wagging*
Yeah avengers endgame was good but I found out my boyfriend is a movie clapper so at what cost
There’s no “us” in nachos.
Me: Now that I’m an adult, I can eat whatever I want.
Metabolism:
It could be worse. Those could be the two guys running for president
Misinterpreted some rabbit prints in the snow and told my scout troop to look out for babies running at 35mph.
Show me someone who says “once you try black you never go back” and I’ll show you someone who’s never had an overripe banana.
It’s that time of year again when I should really check in on my friends with pools or boats to see how they’ve been since last summer.
Wife: You knew when we met that my job would preclude me from having children.
Me: Why? You can still investigate deaths when you’re pregnant.
Wife: Nobody puts baby in the coroner.
Body by cheese-puffs.
Remember when you could strangle people with your phone? Those were the days..
Update my mom has decided that my peanut butter intake is too high so she has hidden all the peanut butter. Little does she know I went to the store and bought more and while I was hiding it I found the other hidden container. Double peanut butter. Game on Amy.
How you conduct yourself when using plastic wrap is the real you
Yes liquor store clerk, I do need help. But I decided to come here instead.
All of my best ideas involve jail time.
Yoh, my Uber driver is such a yapper and I have ran out of “ yeahs” 😭😭😭
I want hashbrown pills.
~the guy who invented Tater tots
Me: sorry I rode a giraffe to your grandmas funeral
Friend: what? that’s not a giraffe
Me: sorry I’m on drugs at your grandmas funeral
Make sure you tip your exorcist or else you can get repossessed.
I’ve reached the age where I randomly yell things like “manifest!” because the word I forgot 15 hours ago has finally come to me.
I’ll take an ice cream sandwich please. You know what? I’m trying to be healthy, can you change that to an ice cream salad instead? Thanks
Today the neighbors are blasting country music from the boom box on the back deck. Tomorrow, they’ll be looking for the boom box that used to be on their back deck.
I can’t believe my terrible boss* is making me work on this sacred national holiday**
*me
**National Cheesecake Day