Do celebrities feel complimented when they’re called underrated? Like, you’re really good, just not enough people think so
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Always end a conversation with “gotta run” so people think you’re into fitness
[drops capsule in woman’s drink] Maybe when that’s finished, we can get out of here? [green sponge dinosaur grows out of glass] Ready to go?
Laundry:
Washing = 45 minutes
Drying = 60 minutes
Folding = 7 to 10 business days
Hey, your parents conceived you the same year my parents conceived me, let us be friends! High school is stupid.
Roses are red,
Daisies are free.I’ll never forget you,
It burns when I pee.
My dog loves me, but he also eats his own poop. I don’t think I can trust his judgment.
me reading the group chat when nobody thinks i’m around
*a ship carrying pineapples gets wrecked*
Government: Housing infrastructure for SpongeBobs was delivered directly to them, cutting out all the red tape, and middlemen.
Shake what your mama gave you.
*turkey soup from a cool whip container just flies everywhere
Me: Hi. I can’t take your call right now but please leave a message.
CW: I’m standing right in front of yo…
Me: BEEEEEEEEEEEEP
It’s my birthday eve, when Birthday Claus comes down the chimney and leaves me three additional wrinkles, two new mysterious body aches, and a skin tag.
Driving down the road and saw my ex-wife. Funny how “I’d hit that” changes meaning over the years
Mom: Cousin Julie works at Google
She marrying a doctor in JuneMe: I got 7 bags of Xmas candy at half price
Mom:-
Me:THAT’S LIKE 50% OFF
Great shoulder tattoo. I bet butterflies are really significant to you and have shaped you into the person you are today, right?
Now that I’m 40, I’ve had to change my safe word to ‘my knees! my knees!’
[goes back to Target just for the things I forgot]
cashier: that’ll be $337.48 and can you describe the children
HUSBAND: I got the dog heart shaped cookies for Valentine’s Day.
ME: *through a mouthful of cookies* The dog?
[The Justice League on patrol]
Superman: Wait! I smell something fishy…
Batman:*chuckles*
Aquaman: Know what? Screw you guys. I’m going home
People give babies a hard time but if objects were constantly disappearing around me I’d be crying too.
Artist: I like to sketch women sitting on outdoor furniture.
Her: Draw me like one of your bench girls.
How am I today? Well it’s officially day four of me arguing in my mind with a person who took my spot in line for party balloons
*takes bite of cookie*
Aw man this is awful
*takes another bite*
Still bad. But I better eat the rest to see if it gets better
If you watch Jurassic Park backwards it’s about dinosaurs spitting out people.
A fun thing to do when someone shows you a picture of their new baby is to look confused and just say “I don’t get it?”
the flight attendant came down the aisle holding out a bag of trash to me and i was like “sure what the hell” and grabbed a couple pieces
My real mom put me up for adoption because the cat was allergic to me 🙁
it’s cool when a dessert has a hint of something, like i’m biting into a tart and suddenly it goes “your wife’s death was not an accident”
3 – DAD! HEY DAD!
Me: Don’t yell from the door son! Walk here and talk to me
3 – *walks over*
3 – I stepped in dog poop, what should I do?
To combat the sibling rivalry that’s been occurring at home, we’ve been spending more time outdoors. So essentially they’re just taking it outside.
*wraps bacon in bacon wrapped bacon*