Do celebrities feel complimented when they’re called underrated? Like, you’re really good, just not enough people think so
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Today is International “Hug Your Cat” day. Which means tomorrow is International “Band-aid and Neosporin” day.
Work in retail. If we say it’s not out the back, it’s not. But you pricks insist so we say fine and take a free break. Once I was hungover so took a cheeky nap, came out 15mins later pretending I’d looked EVERYWHERE. She was so grateful I tried, told my manager I was fantastic.
woke up much too early due to turkeys fighting with some crows
Keeping a very sharp knife next to my bed in case a burglar breaks in and wants sashimi
If I was hanging off a cliff for my life and you told me to take your hand I would stop screaming to tell you I’m afraid of intimacy
Im not dating any guy with hair longer than mine. I refuse to compete for pretty hair.
Oh you’re sick? Let me weirdly list every other person I know who’s sick.
you (uncultured): Ok.
me (cultured): Othousand.
It’s not a gang sign, I just have rheumatoid arthritis
sign of the times 🖊
husband just asked what I’ll do with my spare time when we finally finish all the renovations to our house and I said I’m gonna build a scale model of redwall abbey in the garden for the field mice and I think he thought I was joking
[both kids on my lap]
Me:This is so nice
5yo:Mommy your breath stinks.
M: I carried you for 9 months!
4yo:Why didn’t you use a stroller?
ME: When Princess Leia kissed Luke, did you know they were brother and sister?
GEORGE LUCAS: *laying in bed* How did you even get in here?
Keanu Reeves, sure, but then Keanu comes back a rittle bit rater.
[jaws theme plays]
Me: omg
Shark groom: omg she’s here
My cell phone fell in the pool…now I know what it feels like to have someone you love drown.
Homeschooling update day 3:
Me: *Googles mortality rates for homeschooling parents*
I bet the first guy who threw shit into a fan never knew what an incredible legacy he would leave.
funny how dumbass pet animals will eat the same thing every day without realizing that Subway® offers over 19 different ways to Eat Fresh™
*helping son with math problem*
[hour later]
JUST WRITE 75 GODDAMMIT!
Was just in an elevator with my ex, so I stopped at every floor to show him he was wrong on so many levels.
can’t bark with your mouth full
I WOULD LIKE TO SPEAK TO THE EARTH’S MANAGER
I hate it when I forget my password and the security questions make me relive all of my childhood.
An F wouldn’t be such bad grade if the scale went from A to Z. That’d be like a…whatever percent. Sorry, I got a W in math.
Now I lay me down to sleep
I pray the Lord my soul to keep
And if I die before I wake
Good
Imagine you’re about to have surgery and right before the anesthesia kicks in you notice a “University of Phoenix” degree on the wall
[restaurant]
Waiter: *holding pepper mill* say when
Me: huh? why
Waiter: when means stop
Me: oh
Date: how do you not- okay you know what i think we should stop seeing each other
Me: *glances knowingly at waiter* i think you mean we should WHEN seeing each other
“No one told me we were picking weapons today. What’s left?”
– Donatello