Do chicks with anchor tattoos that say “never sink” know that anchors are made to sink?
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Me: Honey, doctors say you should stand up and walk around every 30 minutes.
Husband: *stands up*
Me: Could you grab me a water while you’re up?
You have advice? For me? I have a $5 Starbucks gift card that’s older than you.
I have milk and eggs for breakfast, I just have them in the form of a cookie
Juror:We find the defendant-
*pizza guy bursts in*
“Ive got 2 pizzas for Not Guilty”
Defendant: Im Not Guilty
Judge:NOT GUILTY
*bangs gavel*
Bloodmobile: Sir, for the last time, this isn’t a food truck.
Dracula: Theez iz some bullshit.
If you get an email at work from my cat with an attachment delete it
Wife: our friends won’t call us back cuz they’re sick of your conspiracy theories and seafood puns
Me: maybe they were all abducted by UFOs, seems awfully fishy to me
My third bottle of wine was able to “breathe” for a few hours when I opened it at 3am and passed out on the floor.
My ducks may not be in a row, but at least they’re having fun. Your ducks probably hate you for making them line up like that.
Just convinced my Mom she won’t get Wolf of Wall Street if she doesn’t see Teen Wolf first. Please play along.
Appetizer is the Latin word meaning I’m hungry now and don’t wanna wait for big food
Out with the cat for a walk. We are still at my doorstep. It’s been 15 minutes.
“Get at least 8 hours of beauty sleep. 9 if you’re ugly.” – Betty White
You know you are old when you say “I’m old” and nobody wants to object to it.
I have Facebook like reflexes.
“Don’t you mean cat-like reflexes?”
*throws a book and hits you right in the face*
What genius called it a ‘bar’ and not an ‘alcohall’?
Me [watching war movie]: I like this character. I hope he lives.
Character: *makes emotional speech about what he’ll do when he gets home from the war*
Me: Dammit.
CHASE: Hi we are calling to check for fraud you spent $40 at 7/11
ME: Yea
CHASE: Then you went to Taco Bell at 3am
ME: Are these questions
her, deep in thought: *does that cute thing where she puts the tip of the frames of her glasses in her mouth*
me, deeper in thought: *eats my glasses*
Me: Happy then grumpy, dopey, bashful, sneezy, sleepy, doc.
Doc: How the hell am I supposed to tackle all those symptoms in a ten-minute consultation?!
I just took my two Dachshunds out for a run and I got passed by a dude riding a skateboard being pulled by two Huskies like some sort of ridiculous Southern California Iditarod and to be honest it looked way more fun than what I was doing.
I’ve just realized… gun to my head and i have to spell diarrhea… I’m dead
I’m going to start eating healthy again so I need to eat this half of a leftover cake to get it out of the house.
[Checks for abs]
Abs : I have a boyfriend
If you watch the Fast & Furious series in reverse, it’s about tough guys who have a change of heart and return stolen cars and decide to scale back their dangerous stunts to more sensible, low-budget ones and they all become youthful and more relaxed because of the lowered stress
Hub: What time is our movie tonight?
Me: 7:30. It’s 2 hours 50 minutes
Hub: WHAT! I CANT STAY UP TILL 10:30
“Back off ladies. He’s mine”
I feel like having your carriage robbed at swordpoint by a dashing rogue who takes your ring (but you know he’s intrigued by you and will return it later in some intimate way, so you don’t protest TOO much) is a vastly superior method of meeting men as opposed to online dating.
If I learned anything in college, it’s that pepper spray only stings for a couple hours.
I can turn wine into a one night stand.
Your move Jesus.