Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Has anyone tried sacrificing a billionaire to the old gods?

ME: let me take you to a nice dinner
HER: ok
ME: somewhere they make the food right there in front of you
HER: oh like Benihana?
ME: (slipping subway coupons back in my pocket) I guess so

Board Game

10: *reading card* Mama! Name 3 rappers! GO!

Me: Saran, aluminum foil, & cellophane! *beaming*

10: *laughing* OMG!

Me: What?

SOME OF MY FRIES WERE TOO SHORT TO COMFORTABLY DIP IN MY KETCHUP AGAIN WHY ME LORD

I’m a giver.

*gives you a hard time*

When it’s ok to bother me before my morning coffee:
1- I’m on fire
2- You’re on fire
3- The coffee maker is on fire
4- Something had frickin’ well better be on fire

Walked into my living room and found my 4 yr old watching tv and eating pizza

Me: bud, why are you eating pizza?

4: I was hungry

Me: well, yeah. I mean it’s 7am, why didn’t you grab a yogurt or something?

4: because there was pizza

We do this thing at my house where somebody puts an empty pizza box on top of the trash can and then someone else puts trash on top of that and then another person puts trash on top of that and suddenly we’re all playing jenga in reverse

i was going to warn my kids about the repercussions of drugs and alcohol until i realized that they in fact were the repercussions of drugs and alcohol

I swear to god I’m not harassing you, I’m really out of shape that’s just my labored breathing

The MCU should introduce an evil version of Mjölnir that you can only lift if you’re a total jerk.

I don’t stroke my beard to seem wise. I’m just trying to get the crumbs out before you notice.

[walking into a store on september 1st]

employee: MERRY CHRISTMAS!

My husband came with me to the gynecologist. As a new patient, I had to fill out a form asking if I’d ever had an IUD. When I checked the ‘yes’ box, he said: “You drove drunk!?!”

My girlfriend and I started dating after her car ran into mine.

We met by accident

Somebody needs to get my shit together.

RIP Medusa you would’ve hated selfies.

time to go viral by writing an obvious thing in all caps a bunch of times.

repeat after me.
IT’S WRONG TO MICROWAVE A CHILD.
IT’S WRONG TO MICROWAVE A CHILD.
IT’S WRONG TO MICROWAVE A CHILD.
IT’S WRONG TO MICROWAVE A CHILD.
IT’S WRONG TO MICROWAVE A CHILD.

MOM: Story time

ME: Yay!

MOM: it’s called
“The Little Engine that Could, but doesn’t cuz he’s a little shit that won’t move out”

ME: mom?

How To Avoid Dating

●You’re too young for me.
●I’m too young for you.
●I don’t date men my age.
●Okay, but after I finish my antibiotics.

[standing at your brisket smoker with a baggie of hot dogs] “Would you cook these for me?”

had calamari for the the first time ever and it wasn’t that bad, maybe I’ll try marriage next

My pronouns are she/her and my adjectives are problematic/overwhelmed

therapist: so what would you like to talk about this session?

me: lois lane must have been like the shittiest reporter

I won the local hot dog eating contest and didn’t even know I was competing.

Inventor of Shredded Wheat: What if you could eat wicker furniture.

doctor: what is it?

me: *pulling down pants* is this normal?

doctor: not in the middle of the street it isn’t

I don’t know why we have three different pig emojis but it’s great for when you need to tell someone a pig is slowly approaching:
🐖

🐷

🐽

[being murdered]

me: you know you should really talk to someone about all of this. do you want the number of my therapist?

Seeing all this inclusion on TV and movies now is making me feel like I grew up in the 1800s…when only my knees did