Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

For Tolkien writing was Hobbit forming.

ME: I wasn’t invited to the party

FRIEND: Yeah, people think you’re melodramatic

ME: [slaps friend with silk glove] Then I shall die alone

If Fitbit hired the owl from Duolingo we’d all be so buff

He’d keep us in line

You can’t change your past but you can change your pasta.

friend: “ok, when does a joke become a ‘dad joke’?”

me, with no hesitation: “when it becomes apparent”

Nicki Minaj washes off her Halloween make up to reveal Lady Gaga who washes her face to reveal Madonna who washes her face to reveal an Emu.

Only just finding out about a past glitch in Sims 4 where your pet can text you.

I love when Scandinavian people on internet forums are like “Sorry for the bad English, I still have a considerable amount to learn about your language, again I apologize for my diction which is likely quite malformed,”

Wife: I think I’m going into labor!

Me: *with a cold* Could you make me some soup before you go?

Forgot the word “peel” when talking about a fruit and said “I skin the kiwi…” instead.

I can’t run from my demons. The law clearly states I have to keep them until they’re 18.

my ex just blocked me on twitter but i’m not gonna text him to ask him why bc i’m mature, i respect his boundaries and also he’s already blocked my number.

Me: I don’t want to dwell on that.

My brain: OK, let’s put a pin in it and circle back later. Is 3 a.m. good for you?

The Flash is lucky because he can run real fast but also because he lives in a world where every problem can be solved by running real fast.

I decided to jog in place at a stoplight and got some really strange looks.

I should’ve just stayed in the car.

“I see you have created a tiny human. I, too, have done this.”

-me trying to make mom friends. Should I not whisper it? I’ll try shouting

I haven’t asked any of my coworkers what they’re doing for Thanksgiving bc I treat people the way I want to be treated.

Jesus: [walking past a pond]

[A herd of hungry ducks begins waddling behind him]

Jesus: [starts walking faster]

I love that we have computers and the Internet now, it’s much easier to publish a study, I just published one about bacon being a super food with all the vitamins and nutrients as kale but much better tasting.

I made a grown man cry today in court.

But yet I can’t get my kids to clean their damn rooms.

Cashier: Your total is $5,682.52

Me: Hmm…can you take off the replacement razor blades?

Cashier: Yeah, that’ll be $2.99

My mom gave me a coffee mug that says “Be your own kind of beautiful” and I’m really trying not to read too much into that

Apparently saying “Alexa: skip” during my wife’s story is rude

beginning to suspect my gf is only using me for my foot warming capabilities late at night

Forget about whether or not you have curves, real women have brains.

I went into my local bookstore and asked for a book on turtles. “Hardback?” The assistant asked.

“Yes” I replied, “with little heads”

doctor: i have bad news

me: uh oh

doctor: u have scoobyditis

me: *whispers* ruh roh

As a kid: I hope to one day cure diseases and be an Olympic swimmer.

Me as an adult: I hope to one day finish a bottle of shampoo and conditioner at the same time.

My 12yo just ate four pieces of fried chicken and a waffle for dinner, so I assume he’ll grow a few feet overnight

I think this man might be the one, I say right before he dumps me and I never hear from him again