Do citrus fruits grow better in the limelight?
You Might Also Like
kanye is pretty mean for someone with yay in their name.
in the ocean
I held a baby today. I was scared it would make me want a baby, but it just made me want to be a baby.
Gay marriage is about to become legal in England. Hey, America, how does it feel when your parents are cooler than you?
Day 4: I’ve finally completed all my New Year’s resolutions from ’97.
You know when motorcyclists give a little wave to each other, I do that when I see someone else eating in their car.
Dude with 7 followers is criticizing my jokes. That’s not a Twitter account. It’s a group text.
me: want to go to the ice rink?
friend: i can’t stand ice skating
me: you’ll be able to with practice
Teen boys either use a whole can of axe body spray or none at all. There’s no in between.
Optimus Prime: AUTOBOTS, ROLL OUT.
Me: *walks downstairs* where the hell is my toaster and microwave?
mathematically impossible
I cannot believe all of these people are out!
-Me when I’m out
Stop telling me not to feed ducks bread because it kills them.
Literally all my favorite foods will kill me. Let ducks enjoy themselves.
Sirs & Ma’ams, It is a well-known fact that when Jesus takes the wheel, He doesn’t just stop with the wheel. He takes the stereo too.
trying to flirt with a waitress and
accidentally writing my phone
number in the tip section of the
receipt and charging 7 billion dollars
to my debit card
A dog walks into a bar. Then a bank. Then the dry cleaners. This is a dog world. Way to be productive, dog. Try to do the bar last next time
Trying to buy a house and the loan officer wants bank statements from the last three months but I’m too embarrassed to give them to her because I don’t want anyone knowing how much money I spend at Krispy Kreme
Honest job application:
On the whole I’ll do a perfectly adequate job. I’m quiet but not in an odd way. I won’t cause any fuss. Good at hoping people are well in emails (won’t use too many exclamation marks). Generally a good egg.
*Meets new person, forgets their name two seconds after they say it. Spends the next ten minutes hoping others in the conversation will say their name so I don’t have to ask.
“Great. Like the short arms thing wasn’t humiliating enough.”
Waiter: Did we decide?
Date: Yes, I’d like the Sirloin. Medium rare.
Me: And I’d like the Remix to Ignition. Hot & fresh out the kitchen.
Be Careful Driving
#BostonBlizzard2015
Had to stop at Walmart for golf balls. Of course they’re all the way in the back. And it occurred to me as I was going to get them that I was walking further than I can hit the damn things.
Husband: Do you want to watch “how to become a cult leader”
Me: nah
Husb: you could create your own cult
Me: I already did…. I made 2 humans from my body and they depend on me for everything… I’m their god
I wish I could but I’m busy plotting revenge because my kids laughed when I showed them I can shake it better than Shakira.
had my yearly physical and the dr signed me up for flu & covid vaccine and i had to tell her no & explain i am not an antivaxer i just always get my covid shot the night before the phillies have an afternoon playoff game so i can use my vaccine pto to stay home from work to watch
My single friends are always talking about clubbing and being hit on. Today’s social scene sounds so violent.
I hugged my youngest son today and asked him “how’s my favorite son?” and from the next room the oldest son shouted “I heard that!”
Someone told me I was “good people” and I replied “OMG you can hear them too?”