Do citrus fruits grow better in the limelight?
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‘I’m so single that if I win a trip for two, I’m goin twice’
No expert, but pretty sure the chickens need a new toner cartridge now
me [sliding my therapist 20$]: so what’s my problem, doctor?
therapist [loudly]: you’re just too good at sex, unbelievably good
hot ikea salesman: ok firstly you can’t do this here, secondly what
It’s tough getting user casket reviews
Once I tried to rescue this kitten stuck in a tree only it wasn’t a kitten it was an owl and he was, like…he was fine there.
i can guess how someone will die based on their clothes
date: what about me?
Hawaiian themed bathroom fire
friend: have u accepted jesus christ as yr savior so u can be allowed into the kingdom of heaven?
me: who all going?
Bought a shirt in the UK. Care instructions say “iron whilst damp.”
I still have no idea when to iron that thing.
Mmmmm white people
– sharks
Was invited to give a talk about comedy writing to some 8th graders today and at the end the teacher asked what my main advice for kids was and I said invest in fresh water stocks as soon as possible. Wasn’t the vibe, they wrapped me up pretty quick
*notices battery is at 4%*
*goes into airplane mode*
*turns down brightness*
*exits all apps*
*prays to jesus and compliments his sandals*
I truly don’t get the people that say the only thing they wish for their ex (s) is for them to be happy, even if it’s not with you
I’m over here secretly wishing mine would combust
*husband comes outside*
“What are all the neighbors out here laughing about?”
*sees me trying to skateboard to the mailbox*
I hate hotel duvets. They are so thick, i can’t close my suitcase.
Me: So now you will deep dive into my lore?
Interviewer: Well, we prefer to call it a background check.
The best coffee is outside my house but the best no bra is inside my house so you see my dilemma
[on the phone]
me: i let the cat out of the bag
sis: what??
me: …too early at the vet and she hid under the desk
sis: oh phew
me: then i spilled the beans
sis: what?!
me: …all over the floor at dinner
sis: omg ok
me: also i told mum you’re pregnant okiloveyoubye
I went to the gym today.
Just kidding, I walked down the block and yelled at the neighbor kids for screaming while I’m trying to nap.
When anyone in my family gets out a board game I just storm over and flip the table before the game even starts.
Why delay the inevitable?
Friend: How many girls did you date before you met your wife?
Me: That was so long ago. Who really rememb-
Wife: Thirty-seven
oh yeah? Well caterpillars also stay in bed for a month at a time and look how they turn out
This egg could use more egg
– guy about to invent hollandaise sauce
Me (sniffling, blubbering): and then he told me to give him my lunch money
Manager: Is this true
Waiter: I just gave him the check
going to tell my kids this was benjamin franklin
him: this might be the whiskey talking but are you checking me out?
cop: licence and registration
Fe
Fi
Fo
Fum
Rhyme scheme tweets are kinda dumb
My wife didn’t cover her yawn so I opened my mouth too and I totally won the silent screaming contest.
my cat just woke up, accused me of a crime, and went back to sleep
If I squint really hard, nope. You’re still an idiot.
It’s not like I live in a broken down car on the side of a road. I’m not that rich.