Must be a very worrying time for anyone who has dumped a body in a reservoir.
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Accidentally walked into the women’s bathroom, went ahead and peed sitting down so it wouldn’t be awkward for anyone.
I ran into a wall today. Literally, not in my writing. The writing is going well for once, so I guess that’s how it balances out. 🧱
“Everyone says they’re voting for Clinton or Trump, but I’m voting for Regina George because she got hit by a bus.”
I can be a real tiger in bed. No, wait, wait… What’s that animal that plays dead?
Hey kids, please don’t wash the 13 glasses you’ve already left in the sink. Just grab a clean one next time you’re thirsty.
Want to stop getting invited to parties? Be a nonchalant double dipper.
It’s that simple.
My lame jokes will never be as shitty as the people who respond to them with “ba dum tss”.
I just read a book about Stockholm Syndrome. It was terrible at first but by the end I kind of liked it.
Me: Of all my kids, you’re my favorite
12: I’m your only kid
Me: Well that attitude won’t keep you in the top spot for long
Truthfully officer, I wouldn’t have pulled over, if I known all you were gonna do is complain about my driving..
marriage is so goth. it’s like “I’m in this until DEATH” jfc dude settle down
When my new neighbor dies, I’m going to hire the same tree removal service he has outside my window right now to work during his burial.
All I want for Christmas is someone to love and a horse solves crimes.
Strangely, this bacon candle doesn’t even taste like bacon.
[me giving tour of city landmarks]
and on your left you’ll see a corgi in a bandana—he’s not part of the tour but let’s go get a closer look
I like listening to true crime podcasts while I clean my bathroom because I can pretend I’m destroying evidence.
My wife and I can’t agree on appropriate gardening attire. But she’s digging in her heels.
#NationalGardeningDay
[december 31st]
me: I really don’t want toguy who made up that statistic about eating 8 spiders a year: *passing me a bowl* andrew. please.
My dentist told me to relax, then got all judgey about me uncorking my wine in his office. He needs to make up his mind.
Interviewer: give me an example of when you’ve been a team player
Me: once my friend wanted to sleep with this girl but she was married
Interviewer: and you?
Me: distracted her husband with an interview
I could probably be lured into a white van with no windows with guacamole.
…or queso.
…or salsa.
…or dill pickles.
…or Jeff Goldblum.
…or, hell, any kind of cheese at all.
I ain’t picky.
Doctor said only clear liquids before surgery. Vodka should qualify just fine.
therapist : are you ever worried that-
me: Yes
[being murdered]
omg yay i never get picked for anything
No one is my co-pilot; that seat’s for my snacks.
I will never give another woman my heart until I see how she acts when a bee flies at her.
[history class in 2069]
TEACHER: how did the Civil War begin?
ME: when the United Nations prepared to pass the Sokovia Accords, which would establish a UN panel to oversee and control The Avengers, Iron Man and Captain America were divided.
TEACHER: correct