Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

You ever have your knees crack so good that you expect them to glow in the dark.

Yeah, me too.

Small blessings, like when the mirror fogs up and you can’t see yourself when you get out of the shower, naked.

I accidentally bought the “Super Long & Extra Absorbent” maxi pads this month and I think that’s why I have dry mouth.

Today’s fortune cookie reads: ‘you are the only human in this restaurant don’t look up’

When people don’t say thank you for my holding a door open for them, it’s not a big deal. I simply run ahead to the next door they’re about to go through and tightly hold it shut.

WIFE: Let’s role-play
ME: OK
W: U be a teacher
*I get up & leave*
W: Where u going?
M: Do u have ANY idea how much paperwork I’ve got to do?

Restaurant toilets are dangerous!

So many of my dates have gone to use them and vanished!

While I totally believe ghosts exist, I seriously hope they don’t because I don’t want to go to the afterlife and meet someone that is like “oh when I was a ghost I watched you practice fake eating for an hour.”

Set my alarm for 2 am to go into my son’s room and tell him it’s raining to repay the favor he let me know this morning.

“Rotisserie chicken” should be a size for fanny packs.

M: Wanna try tantrum sex?

W: You mean “tantric”?

M: *stomps feet* Fine! We’ll do it your way!

I don’t care if my kids are literally performing demon-summoning incantations in their rooms after bedtime as long as they stay in there.

“Hindsight is 2020” will be a literal phrase when future generations want a guide of what not to do

i saw someone say on facebook once, very seriously, that irish dancing was invented as a form of resistance against the english so the irish could be hiding behind bushes and the english wouldn’t be able to see that they were dancing with their legs.

My 4-year-old’s questions while watching me put on makeup for 3 minutes:

-Why is your face melting?

-Why do you make your face look evil?

-Why are you biting your eyeballs with those scissors?

Dad law states that you can use your kids’ piggy bank money to pay the ice cream truck. Especially when your wife and kids aren’t home.

religion? um, ha, no. i’m not really into the idea of letting a set of ancient rules dictate my life. plus, pisces aren’t usually religious

[on game show]
Choose a door for a goat or a new car
“I’ll take door #2”
You’ve won the car!
*sees it’s a Kia*
“Can I have the goat instead”

#BadThingsToDoOnAPlane Talk about your plans to build explosive devices

My Mother worries about me living in London sometimes.
I tell her it’s not London she has to worry about.
I just injured myself on a potato.

hot tip: to avoid writing bugs, don’t write software

As the day goes on, coworkers start appearing more flammable.

Me *Screams at mountain*: I LOVE YOU!

Mountain *echoes back*: I have a boyfriend…. oyfriend…end…nd

Villain: We meet again, Mr. Bond
Bond: You don’t remember my 1st name do you
Villain: Sure I do. It’s uh..
Bond: C’mon this is our 3rd fight

I’d take the high road if it weren’t for the debilitating vertigo.

My toddler gave me his Christmas list and it’s ridiculous. Like a majority of this stuff sounds completely made up. “Robot crab that transforms”? Why would anything like that even exist?

*checks Amazon*

I wonder if he’d like that crab in red or blue

My husband: All the flags are at half-mast this weekend.

Me: For Tina Turner?

My husband: [long, scathing pause] For Memorial Day.

I kinda want a boyfriend but then where will I put my purse when I drive?

weighted blankets are not enough. hit me with a shovel

today a younger coworker was trying to think of the name of a singer from the olden days and yup anyway the person she was trying to remember was Mariah Carey