Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Humans should grow a new set of teeth in our 30s to make-up for all the poor decisions in our 20s.

I just finished a 5 year relationship. Luckily it wasn’t mine.

Tired: Clapping when the plane lands

Wired: Clapping when the Lyft arrives

Remember when we thought 2016 was a terrible year and wanted it to be over?
Good times.

me: [unlocking door] id better warn you, im a bit of a hoarder

her: lol like what

me: well, most of its grandmas

her: [struggling to wade through hundreds of old women] i see

ME: and so I think morale would soar & sales would take off if the lunchroom had a Nintendo
BOSS: [from inside bathroom stall] can this wait

We should probably abolish the death penalty since we don’t even get to throw rotten vegetables at people anymore

Whenever I need a good laugh…

…I start reading suggested serving sizes.

No thanks Cupid. If I wanted butterflies and my heart skipping beats, I would do something less ridiculous like lose my phone.

Apple should make a sarcasm font and call it the iRoll.

*experiences all five stages of grief while the waiter walks by my table with what I thought was my dinner*

Girlfriend: YOU NEED TO MOVE ON

Me (sliding Blockbuster card back into my wallet): I’m trying…

HER: Shake what your momma gave you!
ME: *Tosses around crippling anxiety and male pattern baldness*

Answering every phone call, text and email today with,
“NOT TODAY, SATAN, NOT TODAY”!

Me: Go to bed

4-year-old: But I have questions!

Me: You’re stalling

4: I need to know!

Me: What?

4: What if I meet a talking doughnut?

Guy: Are you pregnant?

Me: No, I’m a Ninja Turtle with my shell on BACKWARDS.

Guy: …..

Me: Cowabunga, douche!

My kids have started saying things to us like “You’re 41 now, you should be able to sit through dinner”. Touché kids, touché.

I forgot my glasses so I pointed to a random spot on the menu and now I’m hoping for the best

“I wasn’t born yesterday” – Lying newborn baby

Doc: have you been displaying any symptoms of vampirism?
Me: I’ve been..
Doc: …
Me: …
Doc: …
Me: …
Doc: …
Me: Coffin.
Doc: get out

MENTOR: I am now sponsored by Cheetos, but it shan’t affect my wise counsel
ME: How can I become-
MENTOR: Dangerously cheesy? Glad you asked

7 year old: two of the boys at school were executed for fighting

me: you mean ‘expelled’?

7 year old: I’m pretty sure about this one, dad

[50 YEARS FROM NOW]

Homemade hand sanitizer, just like Mama used to make.

*First Passover*

The Lord: And you shall consume the meat of the lamb this same night, eating it roasted with unleavened bread and bitter herbs
Me: Like a gyro?
The Lord: Not exactly…
Me: HEY EVERYBODY GOD SAYS WE’RE HAVIN GYROS

8-year-old oversleeping in 1910: oh beans da boss at the poison factory is sure gonna be steamed at me

My wife just got the bar tab and yelled “Oh my god.” That can’t be good.

Want to know what I want with you? It starts with S, has an E in it and I want lots of it

Space.

I’m looking for a structural engineer to place my house atop a giant pair of chicken legs so when the weather forecast is bad my house can just run away to somewhere more pleasant

Netflix: are you still watching?

Me: yes

Netflix: lmao it’s cancelled

The dinosaurs’ extinction is even sadder if you picture a t-rex desperately trying to wave to warn everybody but nobody can see it.