@underchilde

Do doctors actually use drugs to induce comas or is it just easier if they start talking about golf?

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@CornOnTheGoblin

[private investigator hands me a folder] well she’s not cheating on you
[looking though numerous photos of my wife refrigerating bread] oh god no

@hazelmotes1

Press Conference:

How do you respond to accusations that you over sexualize everything?

Me: *slowly takes entire microphone into mouth*

@sheann828

* deletes account

*reactivates

AND, ONE MORE THING…

@shariv67

There was no bonus fry at the bottom of the bag. But the story has a happy ending. I found it later in my sports bra.

@ItsAndyRyan

Unfortunately, the house having ‘period features’ turned out to mean we had to get the decorators in once a month.

@HallpassCanada

Just saw a really hot woman in 9inch heels pay for a plasma tv with ones.. I could be wrong but i think she might be a librarian.

@AmishPornStar1

If I’m reading their lips correctly, it looks like my neighbors are having an argument about the creepy guy next door.

@BuckyIsotope

CHARLIE BROWN: happy thanksgiving!
CHARLIE BROWN’S PARENTS: wah wah wah
CHARLIE BROWN: I cannot believe you said that that’s racist
CHARLIE BROWN’S PARENTS: wah wah wah
CHARLIE BROWN: he’s not my President
CHARLIE BROWN’S PARENTS: wah wah wah
CHARLIE BROWN: I am too your son

@DanMentos

[spelling bee]
“your word is… death”
can you use it in a sentence?
“in most states, yes”