*walks into a nuclear power plant
Do you serve fission chips?
I’ll see myself out..
You Might Also Like
[backstage at a concert] hey guys you mind signing this?
[next day at car dealership] rascal flatts is your cosigner?
Someone called their dog “ugly” and I was not even prepared to fight a stranger today.
i was once in a long-distance relationship and she called me one day crying and admitted she’d cheated on me, and i should have broken it off then but i was young and smitten so i said “it’s ok, i forgive you, just promise you won’t do it again” and she said “no”
Me: Well…my zipper broke.
HR: You still have to wear pants.
Me: *in my underwear*
Honestly I don’t see what the issue is.
*crosses legs*
I was terrified when my son started driving alone, but then realized he could get dinner and grocery shop. I’m good now.
Why do blurry people always ask me if I’m drunk?
After years of intense research, I have come to the conclusion that dryer lint is actually the cremated remains of all my other socks.
*watching The Revenant*
*rewind*
*play*
*rewind*
*play*
*rewind*
*play*Him: What are you doing?
Me: Taking notes for when I fight a bear.
How many vintage novelty sweaters does a grown woman need? Apparently just one more
Videos that say “wait til the end” and then nothing cool happens, are the reason I have trust issues
Picked up a hitchhiker last night. He asked, “How do you know I’m not a serial killer?”
I replied, “The chances of two serial killers in one car is astronomical.”
When I die I want a memorial bench with a plaque that simply says ‘WET PAINT’ because I don’t want people sitting on my bench.
The easiest way to confuse a man is to wear a straight jacket that accentuates your cleavage.
Currently binge watching old eclipses to get caught up for tomorrow.
People who complain that my Christmas gifts are “stupid” and “thoughtless” clearly have no idea how hard it is to wrap a pineapple.
When I hear commercials say “win a trip for you and six friends” I start counting to see if I have six friends.
Dear women with cucumber slices on their eyes… you’re using it wrong.
the Lord of the Rings is mostly a bunch of really old guys walking around telling some 40 year old Hobbits “yeah this place used to be really cool but it sucks now”
*puts wine in cart*
*crosses “wine” off the list my wife gave me*
*puts more wine in cart*
*crosses “more wine” off the list my wife gave me*
Imagine meeting the man of your dreams…
and he says, “prolly.”
Never ever make an arm wrestle bet with a man who has been single for a long time….
*returns tent to Target*
CASHIER: What was the problem?
ME: The packing implied that there would be a family that loves me inside the tent
[restaurant]
ME: Excuse me, this alphabet soup tastes funny
WAITER: Well it is Comic Sans
I’m sorry I dropped your baby and doubly sorry I nudged it under the crib with my foot so you wouldn’t notice.
Airport Security: Please remove your shoes
Man: Don’t be ridiculous, I’m no terrorist
AS: Sir, do you want to use the bouncy castle or not?
I just posted a selfie and people told me to get well soon.
My toddler just called the cheese he’s eating “medicine for my belly”.
Even kids understand the healing powers of cheese.
Oh you love hot sauce? Cool I get heartburn from brushing my teeth
“Do not look that up on urban dictionary,” is a nice way of saying “ready the eyeball bleach, because I know you’re gonna.”