“She is not fine.”
~Sun Tzu
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[at a party] i see u have name brand garbage bags, are u a doctor
*goes on strict diet for a month, steps on scale*
i lost 4 lbs, nice
*goes off diet for one day, steps on scale*
the punishment does not fit the crime
Everyone has something they believe in.
I believe in drinking before noon.
Cats won’t give away your position when someone knocks on the door. They hide with you, like understanding furry ninjas.
FITBIT: You’ve done 11k steps today.
ME: Ok, I’ll rest some.
FITBIT: stop now and I’ll murder you
ME: What?
FITBIT: I SAID GOOD FOR YOU!
“You’re auditioning for Scrooge,” the casting agent says. “No family, no one loves you—”
Batman starts clutching at the script, tearing up.
I’m just a short girl, sitting in a car, being strangled by my seat belt.
Everyone knows there’s no such thing as a zombie army. The proper name is the Marine Corpse.
DR. FRANKENSTEIN: I’m just saying, it’s a very misleading flyer
BODY BUILDING COMPETITION JUDGE: again, we can only apologise
I’ll be in the yard for a bit. If anyone asks, I’m outstanding.
FRIEND: let’s hang out
ME: *takes out my accordion*
ENEMY: I changed my mind
If Donald Trump becomes president, we could finally out-crazy North Korea.
Squirrels don’t hibernate in the winter they just get angry.
Had trouble sleeping today. They added a trumpeter to this morning’s church service.
Dreams won’t chase you back, but Canadian geese sure as hell will.
Tonight I yelled, “YOU ARE NOT A ZOMBIE. YOU ARE DOING HOMEWORK,” so everything’s pretty normal here.
If I ever met a Space Alien, I’d resist shaking its extended appendage, not knowing for sure the details of alien anatomy.
“Can I have $20?”
-how teenagers say hello
I need this for my side hustle.
I never know at which syllable to stop when saying banananananana
stealing a sock from the laundry: easy. childish. been done many times before
stealing a sock directly from the human’s foot: brave. daring. immediately in the history books
As his name is not “Biggest Bird”, we are to understand that Sesame Street is home to at least one, perhaps more, truly immense unseen birds
[reclining with sliced cucumber on my eyes]
My passengers: “Aaaaaaaaaaah!”
10yo: “I NEED my iPod!”
Me: “I’m sorry honey.”
10yo: “YOU DON’T UNDERSTAND!”
Me: “You’re right sweetie. Mommy played w rocks when I was 10.”
Bought $200 sunglasses.
Lost them in 15 minutes.Bought Walmart sunglasses.
Had them for 238 years.
8: [looking at a picture list of US presidents]. Why are they all SO OLD?
14: because you have to be old to be the president. Like, 40 and older.
me, 40: what in the shit did you just say?
king: the gods are angry with us
advisor: let’s throw a virgin into the volcano
king: how would that help
advisor: [throwing stephen in] help what
This milk is so far past its expiration date that I’m only going to have a small slice.
My life is like that Rihanna song :work, work and work, and then I don’t understand anything else.
I’m told as a lady in my 30s I shouldn’t wear certain things anymore – like halter tops, pigtails, and the scalps of my vanquished enemies.