Do dogs think humans are in a constant battle to claim toilets?
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I just had a customer shout at me OVER THE SOUND OF THE FIRE ALARM that it didn’t sound “right” so they “legally” didn’t have to leave
Just once i want to meet this mythical “always right” customer I BEG
I just want to bring your heart to it’s knees.
… And while you’re down there…
Can we just admit that a 5-year-old named walkie talkies?
Show me on the doll where the sandwich hurt you
My wife handed me a mop so I inspected it and said, “You’re good to go, woman!” and now the mop handle is in a funny place.
that would 100% work on me
u can always tell when a man is dating someone new. why you going to aquarium and griffith observatory
Why I gotta scan all my parts at tsa but they cant scan the airplane for all its parts
Wanna know what it looks like when a tired mother reaches her breaking point? I just tried to hypnotize my toddler to sleep. She seemed to like it. As soon as I was done she yelled “again”!
I have really bad hearing & thought he said “I love turds” but he said “nerds” & now I don’t know what to do with this shit in my underwear.
Put a bar inside Home Depot you cowards.
You’re clearly insane. Ok, I’ll give you twelve more chances
Kids, because why would you want to sleep on more than 6 inches of your king size bed?
If someone says they’d “Like a word with you,” I can guarantee it’s way more than one word and you’re not going to like any of them.
Amuse yourself at dinner parties by stealing one of their forks and replacing it with one of your own
[Clown College]
Teacher: Ok so balloon animals are pretty simple, you ju-
Pennywise: *raising hand*
Teacher: Any questions that are NOT about eating children?
Pennywise: *sadly putting hand down*
Me: this is my service alligator. he’s trained
Him: it’s not trained. it attacks anyone who gets close to you
Me: like I said, it’s trained
People: Dogs can always sense someone’s true colors.
Dogs: WTF is “colors”?
When my husband is mad at me,
I like to point at my wedding ring
and whisper “forever”
Guy: [strolling along] Well, at least I have my heal- *piano falls on his head*
Me: [leaning out my apartment window] Oh no! My piano!
Judge: Have you any words before I pronounce sentence?
Me: Yes. Could you also pronounce Worcestershire?
Hate to brag, but a cute fireman gave me his number today. It’s only 3 digits & he said it’s only for emergencies, but I know what he meant
just learned that all of the “You’re the best!” texts my dad sends me are one of three quick reply options in his Toyota Rav4
Gonna pay my grandma $100 to slip “Syrian Refugee 1 and 2” onto the Thanksgiving seating chart to piss off my uncles.
Life is too short beautiful and unpredictable to not tell people how you really feel
Her: That’s so sweet, I-
Green Day is overrated
Her:
[shows her my bedroom]
And this is where the magic happens…
[starts doing that trick where it looks like my thumb is coming apart]
“The way to a man’s heart is through his stomach.”
– inept cardiovascular surgeons who end up going into gastroenterology
Pronouncing “driest” like priest
Sometimes I pick another language on the ATM to see if I can make it all the way thru.
So I’m still broke, but now also in French.
He: did you burn dinner again?
Me: it’s a Flambé.
He: it’s mac and cheese
Me: it’s French mac and cheese!!